10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[godknows1440000833]

That's the same with me.  If I try to discipline him it's a nightmare.   I do try & so does their father as I have a daughter too.  Her behaviour isn't as bad &  we get along really well, but she's slowly copying her brothers diabolical behaviour.   Thank Jesus, they're at school at the moment.  That's another problem of mine, getting them there.   I don't give up on that though, school's important, so I will not let them have a day off Willy nilly.   Thankyou everyone going through similar problems to us, it makes me feel not so alone, so thanks.

[godknows1440000833]

My judgement with my son and the games he wants is terrible, I realise that, and in my comment I made last  night I saying I wont be getting him these certain games anymore, unfortunately probably won't be true because, even though he's only nearly 11 yrs old, he's emotionally crippling me with all his threats and his depression.  He has GTA5, one of the games that he & his little mates play on, but it's so wrong , I know.  It's a horrible game for 18cert, but all the youngsters play on it, not just my son.  That doesn't make my lousy decisions right I know, but I'd just appreciate a little peace and to try and have a bit of sanity in our home is to get him this other game he wants for Christmas, against my better judgement and against what the professionals say.   I wouldn't mind so much him playing on these games if he could just leave that behaviour in the game he's playing, but he acts it out in real life.  The swearing e.t.c .  I'm sorry to come off to you all as a victim and not taking control of the situation, but I've tried that and it's got me nowhere.  Just more aggro - so I give in.   He will get this black flag game he wants and be done with it.  I've had enough.  I will be honest and speak to a psychiatrist about what to about my obvious lack of parenting skills.    Not everyone though has children like mine, and despite all this upset I still love them, my daughter and son and just want us all to be happy  and not miserable, when we're alot better off than alot of people in the world. - I try to drum that into them.  Be grateful, appreciate and look after your things.  I can only try to do my best, that's all I can do.

[godknows1440000833]

Hi, I don't know where to begin.  Well my son too is a video games addict.  I don't regulate the time he spends on his games because I know there the only things that make him happy.  He goes online with his Xbox and much to my shame, he plays on games far too old for his age group.   He manipulates me and bullies me into buying these games for him.  My son is 10 and a half and he acts like a 14 yr old.   The games obviously don't help his out of control behaviour.   I'm frightened, I feel at the moment I can't stand anymore.  I'm dreading waking him up for school in the morning, because more often than not his manners towards me are vile.  His choice words when I say, 'come on you've gotta get up now' are '**** off'.   I do blame myself for how he has become this way, but I have always tried so hard, and as you already know my judgment does inevitability get him the game he wants - as he threatens to kill himself otherwise, and break my things.  He also has a younger sister and they fight alot, well it's mostly my son starting on her.  He is quite unbearable and I can only pray that things will improve.   He cannot always get what he wants, or his younger sister as she's also prone to outbursts of rage.  A lot of it copying him.  After today and tonight's episodes, I cannot do this anymore,I've told them both.  Because both of them humiliate me and sometimes their dad in the street.  We live in quite a small community and I'm fed up with the discouraging looks from people, when they haven't got the full picture of what's going on.  Well, I'm not giving up , I'm still plodding onwards,especially heavy with my sons burdens.  I will not give in anymore with the games too old for him, but it's difficult.   You know, on his headphones, when he's online I can hear some little mates he's playing with and they sound only about 8!!!  Gosh, I'm irresponsible,  but it's under duress irresponsibility .   I want to still be a good mum and their dad who doesn't live with us, but visits is trying, so that's important.   I do not hate my son ,or daughter either when she shouts and bawls and shows me up, and my son too - with the swearing, I just want some respect as all us downtrodden, bullied parents want.  No swearing, no bullying,  no throwing stuff, just lovely children that underneath all this,apparent hatred, they still are good kids and I can only try to be a good mum and seek help for us of which I have done and try to be as honest as possible about everything, and then, mabye then, God willing, we will have hope of a normal good life.  I'll say to my son,  R. E. S. P. E. C. T. find out what it means to me.  Thanks for reading my comment.

[Midaftnoon]

Ok thanks Sandman!  You are right... I will look back on the history of what provokes her.  Nothing that I can remember was due to what I would deem pickiness (like over socks) although the car was a trigger until I put her in a booster. Sometimes I couldn't make any sense of it tbh but there were some triggers.  

[Sandman2]

   The question really deals with what "can be provoked over the smallest of perceived slights or grievances".  What may seem like a slight to you can be major trauma to a child with SPD.   Something as simple as the texture of socks for example.  Trouble is I don't know what her triggers were/are that cause the outbursts.  But these are really all things you want to run through Specialmom on her SIDS site.

[Midaftnoon]

Not sure where the word tantrumming went above but that is what would last forever.  For a short span of time she would bang head... and her sense of justice and right/wrong was early.  Those could be attributed to intelligence a/o temperament however, yes?