12-year old boy poops pants daily. Parent enabled?

[jodykip]

jodykip posted:
I read bit and pieces of my question/problem, but never the whole thing.

My fiance's 12-yr-old son poops his pants every day, and still wets the bed. It isn't encopresis (I don't think). His parents split when he was 2.5, he was frantic and his mom "didn't have the heart" to discipline him for toileting. So today, his idea of bowel control seems to be "hold it until school is out" and "weekends are free."

He's coming to live with us this month, and maybe will stay for school in the fall. I love him to death. He is bright, wry, a crackerjack student and athlete, and a perfect small replica of his gorgeous dad (I'm marrying a great guy!). But I feel like I can't quite accept him because of the pooping. (He wears something like a diaper or pull-up to bed, and I don't mind that.)

I want to get a handle on this so I can understand it and help stop it. Can parents enable this? His mom is hostile to me, but once we were talking about Jack (the son) and she said "I was changing his pan . . . " -- and she stopped. I said, "You change his pants?" But she wouldn't answer, and seemed embarrassed. I know that his dad used to change him, and still will clean him up in some circumstances, like if he's dirty at bedtime. So, if parents do this, does it enable to kid? I'm sure there are no consequences for pooped pants at his mom's, and few here (he has to stop what he's doing and go change).

Jack himself never mentions that he has pooped, but he will admit it if you ask, and will go change without resistance (thank God!). But he doesn't do a very good job, because I don't think he knows how. I've bought a hand-held shower for the bathtub, and a hand mirror. I want him to put the mirror on the floor and to stand over it so that he can see if he's clean. Will this help?

The reason I don't know if this is encopresis or something else (like habit) is that the "accidents" never happen in school, but otherwise aren't real predictable. He poops 1, 2, or 3 times every day, but at different times. The poop that I've seen looks completely normal. I mean, not runny/pasty or pellets, like enco. (See, I've done some research.) He will go pee, and while he stands there, he might dirty his pants too. We've talked a little about his accidents, and he's told me that he feels it too late, and that it starts by itself, but he has to "finish it off." I think he has control, but that it comes and goes. Or something.

The "accidents" make me push him away even though he is such a great kid, and I want to embrace him as if he were my own son. I feel guilty. For instance, Saturday before Memorial day, we all went to a concert on a big lawn. It got chilly, so I invited him to lean against me, and I put my coat and my arms around him to keep him warm. Fine. I felt like a great mom. Nuzzled him, kissed the back of his head, and so on. But in about 5 minutes, the odor began, and I realized that he had just dirtied his pants as he sat there. I had to push him away. I said, "Jack, you poopied your pants and I just don't like it when you smell." He seemed a little surprised (I don't know why, since I've mentioned it before), and slid over to his dad, who took him in. And I felt like I'd rejected him.

So, it looks like pooped pants are going to be "business as usual" in our house until I can figure a way to interrupt it. Sorry to run on about this. Any ideas?

[jodykip]

Stand by. I've learned a lot more. And Jack arrives this weekend, for the summer.

[allmymarbles]

If he doesn't control himself at school, and if it isn't a toilet phobia, he may have  a problem with his sphincter muscles. I wonder if this has ever been checked out.

[JC137]

It's depression, ADHD, and probably the beginning of a life of self destruction. The child needs help, this is a medical problem, your not going to punish the child until they quit, you will only make it worse. If not addressed by psychiatrist, it will worsen. He will gave subconsciously

[JC137]

They will have begun a way of dealing with life that is self destructive. Punishment and shame will only lead to more mental disorders. Vgl, just remember you are STEP mom, this is not enabled and you don't have to Godzilla your way in, this is something only his parents can deal with, and if done in a caring way, their will be less harm and less future repercussions.

[Sandman2]

     That's one of the problems with the whole thing.  I am not sure that he controls himself at school (check out my post two back).

[allmymarbles]

My point was that being too understanding might well be enabling. So I would try another tack. My guess is that his behavior is both willful and habitual.

Another thought occurred to me. If he controls himself at school, but not at home, that suggests that he never uses a toilet. It is possible his problem is toilet related?

[Sandman2]

   I post over on the ADHD forum a lot.  If you need any additional resources to help convince your husband, let me know.  I have tons of good web sites, etc.  One book I recommend a lot is "The ADD/ ADHD Answer book," by Susan Ashley.   Its about 10 bucks on Amazon.   It covers everything from school to home in a very easy to read format.   I'll do some research and see if I can find anything on his bowel problem.  I do know that Its very common for ADHD kids to have that problem for the reasons you mentioned.  
   Got a feeling, like most ADHD behavioral modifications  , that working on a schedule is going to be the most successful for you.

[Tnnurse2010]

WOW!!!! This is very interesting! I myself have a 12 year old boy that does the same thing. It has been an ongoing problem for him for most of his life. He has ADHD and has been on medications for that for 6 years. Most of his life I was a single mom who worked and went to college. My parents were his "second home".  I  very active in trying to help him with his problem. I have tried everything from rewards, punishment. Embarrasment, having him clean his pants, restriction. He says that he feels the urge but doesn't want to stop what he is doing so ignores the urge and then has the "accident" but that he doesn't feel it...... Or smell it, which amazes me because it is the first thing I notice when he comes up to hug me. Sometimes he will just continue on with his activities with the poopy pants. When he does change, he hides the underwear in his room or the bathroom or throw them away. It happens anywhere..... Home, school, church it doesn't matter. I recently married and have moved and it is definitely causing problems in the new home. I have been with my husband for 7 years before we married although we didn't live together. They(my husband and son ) seem to have a good relationship. But my husband thinks that my son is doing this on purpose and can just stop at anytime. I know the social implications this can cause for him and we have tried to stress to him that if other kids find out he will be ostracized and made fun of. Not a good thing when coming into a new school. I believe there is some conscious thought but also some things that he cannot control. I do believe that the ADHD is a factor to some degree. The impulsivity, the not wanting to take time to go to the bathroom when he is engrossed in activities, holding it, which compounds the physical issues. I believe encoporesis is also a part. I can help with increasing fiber, water and stool softners, but how do I retrain his thought processes? I am also fighting a battle with my new husband who does not really believe that ADHD is real and is just a excuse and thinks that my son can just "stop" when he wants to. This is a real problem that affects everyone in the household. There are some very good points and ideas here that I will incorporate into trying to help my son. But any support or advice would be welcomed with open arms:)