13 y/o stepson and his maternal mom

[vryncgrl]

What is considered "normal" attachment between a 13 y/o boy and his mom? I have a 13 y/o stepson who visits with his dad about once a month for 3-4 days at a time. When he visits us, she texts him two to three times a day. It is to the point, the child does not want to come to visit his dad but would rather be at home with his mom.  His mother allows him to do what he likes at home.  He does not socialize with friends, spends too much time on the computer and in general is very morose.  
His father is a very good dad, but can't seem to reach his own son anymore. Unfortunately, I have become a bit too involved and lost perspective.  Over the last two years, I have watched his mother be consistantly unreasonable, unreliable and blatantly lie to both the children and their old friends.  I don't know #1. if the relationship is okay between mom and son. #2. What on earth I can suggest to help my husband and his son and #3. how to deal with a person like his mother.  Any suggestions?  .  

[vryncgrl]

Thanks!  Good advice.  

[specialmom]

Sounds pretty normal to me.  His life is pretty much at his mother's home.  It is what it is.  Kids that have two households may get more attached to one------------   I think I would have too as I was closer to my mom.  Just because the dad and you don't feel it is fair------------  life isn't fair.  

The way to deal with his mother is to keep quite amicable and try to be a team for the boy's sake.  

Honestly, this will get worse before it gets better.  He is entering the age in which friends really start to dominate.  Then his activities will dominate.   If your husband can be extremely flexible in terms of not getting his back out of shape as his child goes through these teen age years-------------  the relationship will survive. If he is constantly angry, the son will pull away more.  

Case in point, my friend.  Her son is 14------- plays football in our town.  Dad lives a couple states away.  He is supposed to go to visit dad for 6 weeks this summer.  He wanted to go a shorter time because if he did not, he would not be able to  play football in his freshman year of highschool (and he was to be co captain of the freshman team).  His dad said no-----------  you have to come the whole 6 weeks.  This boy was so distraught that he became physically ill.  So that she fulfilled her legal duty, my friend took him to the airport for his flight to see his dad--------  the boy was on the phone with dad the whole way pleading that he did nto want to come.  Finally at the airport-------- he said he wasn't going period.  He refused to get on the plane.  He said if he did--------- he would run away when he got to his dad's.  He was a 14 year old having an emotional breakdown crying.  He is not seeing his dad at all this summer.  You see it as sad probably and I see it as victory for a child who has been shuffled around by two parents that couldn't get thier act together.  What about dad coming to our town and staying in a hotel and helping out at football practice and hanging with his kid.  Sounds silly-------- but when a dad makes an effort to blend into a child's life vs. making the child always change-----------  it makes a big difference.

Anyway, a few calls a day to mom is not over the top at all.  What you can do for this family is encourage dad to be flexible and loving and understand how his son feels.  good luck