3.5 yr old is destructive, defiant, sexual, dangerous

I'm a mom to twin girls who will be 4 in june. twin A is my 'special' twin.  She's smart, there's no doubt. But she's also been found smelling the exhaust pipe of my car and saying it smelled good, wrapping a scarf tight around her neck and trying to hook it on the door knob, hands constantly in her panties, she has bad 'picking' behaviors, she had a sore on her face and instead of letting it heal, she constantly picked at it til it scarred. i tell her something and she says no. she spills EVERY food and drink that she can get ahold of. she has a lot of melt downs, where she goes limp like a ragdoll, and has to be carried to time out and she also gets short of breath due to the insane crying and screaming, sometimes causing her to vomit or gag. she's a bit OCD and has to do everything a certain way. she's met all of her milestones thus far. She falls frequently. oh yeah, and she's been found splashing toilet water onto her face and head!  multiple times. i'm concerned. i don't see this getting better.  what can i do at this age?

[foppa2102]

Also, she is super hyper and can't still or focus attention on anything for more than 5 minutes unless she's tired.

[AnnieBrooke]

Have you talked to a therapist about all of this?

[margypops]

How do you manage the other twin ..we had twins in our family one was always in trouble and one was always the 'good' twin who got most of the attention,the one always in trouble acted out to get some attention,.What are the dynamics like in the home towards both twins ?

[Ashelen]

I agree with both AnnieBrooke and margypops...I would definitely talk to a therapist, and in the meantime I would examine the family dynamics to make sure that she doesn't KNOW that she's the "bad" twin because if she's NEVER going to be the "good" twin, why should she bother?

By that I mean....if her sister is always good, and she's bad by comparison, she has no reason to try to be better. in her eyes, there's nothing that will make her as "perfect" as her sister, so she might as well do whatever she wants.

she does seem to have some pretty serious behavioral issues...I have a daughter who is almost 3.5 and if she did even ONE of the things you described I would be shocked, much less all of them together. Not that I think she's a "bad kid"...and you should be careful not to label her this way, or even THINK of her as "the bad twin"....because then she will BECOME the bad twin.

Get her some help asap...behavioral therapy at this age could help you put a stop to her bad behaviors before it's too late. While you're waiting for the therapist appointment (call TODAY) make sure you're praising the good things she does, don't verbally compare her to her sister - AT ALL - and try to do things with JUST her to give her a chance to explore her own personality and enjoy time with mom away from "the good twin". I don't necessarily think that any of this is your fault, as some children simply have behavioral issues and nothing we do or don't do affects that, but it's very imperative at this point that you and your partner are extra careful not to let her feel like she is bad, or she will ACT bad.

good luck...

[singledad1311978]

have you had her checked for mild autism. My younger sister has a very rare case and is impossible to see if your not around her alot. in fact even as her brother thought my mom was crazy or seeing a quack until we were in a social situation and then i could tell but no one else seemed to notice maybe just thought her weird. But there is something to consider maybe there is nothing wrong with her (other than the behavior for attention) and the issue is twin perfect fits your idea of a good child and twin special fits into the different unlike you category. maybe you should try to find the good in her even if its not what you feel is the perfect behavior for a child. The acting out is almost definitely because she feel she doesn't measure up in your eyes and as a brother who was always in trouble and could do nothing right in my step mothers eyes and her son my step brother was an angel it made for some disturbing behaviors that were only me wanting attention. Usually when a child cant get positive attention they use negative behavior to get it and after a while the attention becomes secondary to the habit of doing shocking or negative activities. My daughter does some of the things you described resulting from her mother not being in the picture over the last year and me being frustrated and overwhelmed as a single dad and filling the mom shoes as well which not easy. Good luck I would suggest what I did find a behavioral therapist but take both and don't tell them which one its for. you don't want to single one out

[adgal]

Issues with small children (or older ones for that matter) can be as a result of "nurture".  However, they can also be a result of developmental delays, or even just very strong and different personalities.  It's not uncommon to see two children raised exactly the same way become very different people.  I don't think I would assume anything, but would have her evaluated.  I read this post and it's like your describing my cousin's three year old twin girls.  One is very sweet and loving and the other is rather challenging. She has an incredible temper and also screams to the point she goes limp with nothing being able to soothe her.  I know for certain there are no favorites with those two.  If anything the second twin gets more attention (yes, positive attention) as she seems so much needier.

There are a host of very real developmental delays that children are born with that can cause adjustment issues, social issues, etc.  I don't think I would jump to this being a parenting issue, but rather would seek out professional help to see what can be done to help her.  I wish you well.