4 year old havinf screaming tantrums

[laura05]

hi there, my fiance has a 4 year old daughter and has her every weekend. she is usually a a good girl, I mean she will have her time outs. She lives with her mother through the week and she goes to daycare as well. When he talks to her mother all the little girl is doing is screaming and crying and her mother does nothing. So when she come here, she is not use to having rules and she screams at the top of her lungs, hits us, screams no, and doesn't stop crying. Example we will ask her if she wants a drink and she will just give us dirty looks and we will ask her to stop and she will just start with "No!", so we will say if you don't stop your going to time out, she will do it more and then we will give her time out and thats when she explodes. This goes on from teh time she gets up until bed. I mean we can put her in time out all day. We try to take her to do things but she will get mad every where we go and start screaming. any advice?

[waitingwithhope]

She needs clear limits and she has to be able to predict, each time, how you will react. I would get the parents of the child to work out a plan together and I would also discuss your "house rules" with her, allowing her for some limited input. It is possible that the rules will continue to be different in both places, however, she can learn to predict and understand what the rules are in your house and the consequences. Be VERY consistent. It may seem like you are not getting anywhere, but you will. When she starts screaming, don't react, remind her gently about the rule of talking politely and not screaming, tell her that you understand she is upset, let her know she has to calm down in another spot and set a timer. The most she should be in time out for would be a few minutes. Then, bring her out of time out and give her a hug and reinforce the idea that you understand and care about her and if she wants to talk you will listen. It is surprising how little ones will "get" this and actually talk or cry or open up. Every time, do the same thing. Discuss ahead of time what the consequences of screaming outside of the house will be(i.e. if she does this at a store): calmly walking out, putting her back in the car and going home. The calmer you are and the more consistent you are, the less this will happen. As well, praise her good behavior as much as possible before she cries: i.e. "I like the way you are waiting patiently for your cup" (even if you know she was about to start a screaming fit, she may be stopped in her tracks). I hope this helps.

[RockRose]

Your post seems kind of confusing.  You start out saying she's usually a good girl,  but when your fiance talks to the girl's mother,  he can hear over the phone that she's being horrible and oppositional,  and the mother does nothing,  and you are guessing it's because the mother doesn't have any rules,  the little girl acts that way at her house.

But by the end of your post,  the girl is acting the exact same thing at your house,  and in fact,  does this from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed at night.

I guess I don't understand the sentence "she's usually a good girl".    She sounds like she's almost never behaving acceptably,  at her mother's house,  or yours.

Is it possible she has a defiance disorder of some kind?  Children who are not discipllined at all,  at the age of four,  don't usually act angry all the time,  they just don't follow directions well.

Maybe I've just misunderstood your post - best wishes - this sounds awful.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Great advice from jd.  I completely agree that parents should have a game plan.  

As the step mom to be, make sure to step back and let your fiance be the leader in disciplining this child.

Four year olds can be manipulative if they are unhappy or feel threatened.  All kids want their parents to be together and she is expressing her dismay that she is not getting her way.  

Be patient, be firm, be consistent.  Find out her "currency"  In other words what does she love?  If she throws a tantrum, take away a favourite toy.

And a time out for a shild her age should be no longer than 5 minutes.  

[jd1419]

It sounds like she is pushing the limits in everyones home because she doesn't know how to behave.  Having two different sets of rules and the way she is handled by her parents.  As a suggestion, if the dad and mom still get a long they need to sit down and work out rules that need to be followed in each household so there is consistency for her.  Just keep doing the time outs and everntually she should come around to your way thinking--if not she is going to have some boring weekends sitting in time out all the time.