4 year old will not behave

[OmahaDad]

My wife and I are at our wits end.

We have 11 year old and a 4 year old daughters. Our 4 year old stays at home with mom. She is defiant and acts out. When she doesn't get away, she yells at us -- things like "Go away" or "you're fired" or "my house, my rules" (mimicking mom). She throws major tantrums, and has thrown toys, and hit us.

She is exceptionally stubborn, and this seems to be getting worse. She is partially potty trained (she'll poop, but won't regularly pee on the potty.) Earlier this year, she was peeing and pooping on the potty all the time for about 6 weeks. ow, it's like she doesn't want to be bothered. We've tried underwear; she simply wets her pants, runs to her room, changes, and then leaves her urine soaked clothes on the floor. When we say "it's time to go to the pottu, sometimes she'll try, but as often as not, she'll sit on the potty, do nothing, and then wet her pullup or panties 15 minutes later.

We've tried taking away TV and her access to popular pre-school websites. We've tried sending her to her room. We've tried spanking. We're getting nowhere.

When she is behaving, she can be delightful, fun, and humerous. She's very smart. She loves playing with other kids, but she isn't in day care or any play groups. She's excited about the prospect of kindergarten, but I can't even start her in pre-school if she won't get out of pullups. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know where it ends. What happens when your school age kids won't toilet? Do they get institutionalized? Do they get home schooled? What?

My wife is ready to tear her hair out. I'm stressed out, and scared that iif this behavior doesn't turn, things won't end well. OTOH, while I've suggested therapy, all I read is about these kids being put on meds. I want that to be a last resort, not a first line of defense.

[mylittlelammy]

Same boat here too. My son is mostly potty trained but he doesn't do a good enough job at wiping himself so he still gets a rash. Hang in there! Maybe 4 years old is just a phase. I know i'm hoping it is too.

[momof2SC]

I am in the same boat.  After everything I am reading online I wonder if this is just a phase at the age of 4.  My son is about to get kicked out of daycare for his behavior.  When he is behaving i love having him around.  But nothing phases him when we punish him or take things away.  We dont know what else to do.  So dont worry you are not alone

[sher1953]

I have a 4 year old grandson who is having trouble adjusting to pre-school. This is his first year in school and he has stayed home with his mother and other grandparent, and dad part time. His mother has just recently started nursing school and had a new brother 2 months ago when he started school. He is smart , loves to put things together, likes to be read too, but he doesn't seem to like changing activites at school. He also ***** 2 fingers at school and this seems to be a bad thing according to the school He also walks on his toes and they don't like this. I know this can be a concern, but he talks well, sings songs and talks on the phone to me. I live in another part of the state and the parent seem quite frustrated, does anyone have any answers?

[margypops]

Sounds the acting out could be that you use similar methods in the spanking and punishing.  like she is copying her Moms behavior, you said in your post"mimicking Mom" How about you not react her behavior with yelling back, use the time out method quietly and dont feed into it. There is scope here to learn some better child /Parent interaction skills, is she like this outside, at school and with other people?

[tiredbuthappy]

does she consistantly behave this way with others or primarily with your wife?

For the most part, it sounds as though she is seeking negative attention. Since she hasn't been in a more structured environment or any kind of different environment, it would be very difficult for myself or anyone else to say it's more than a difficult, manipulative child who is seeking attention.

What is her day like with mom? Just because a child stays home with mom does not mean she is engaged and stimulated. What kinds of games do they play? Do they go anywhere special? Some positive creative experiences daily may help soothe her. Are they ever just silly together? Do they cook fun things together? Tea parties? Plant a garden? Make homemade playdough? The internet is a great resource for fun activities that engage young children.

Potty training- have you ruled out medical reasons for regression? As for preschool, I would check and make sure that they require the child to be potty trained. none of the preschools that I have worked at required the child to be potty trained. Right now I am at a public preschool and even they don't require it. I also recently saw in a One Step Ahead catalogue a potty watch- a cute watch that you program to go off at certain intervals to remind a child to use the potty. You may need to use something like that and simply tell her that until she stops having accidents she needs to go into the bathroom whenever the watch sounds and not come out until she pees. She will quickly get bored of it and start going potty. This should not come across as a punishment but as a fact of life- you pee in the potty. To make it not seem like a punishment you can even put a small basket of books in there to occupy her until she pees.