5 year old running things

[goncrazy880]

i just recently moved in with my girlfriend who's daughter is 5 (i have no kids) - the little girl is basically running things around the house and mom gives in to everything the girl wants, eventually. ive talked to my gf about it and we've come to the conclusion that something must be done. every morning there is a fight about brushing teeth, and what clothes she will and wont wear (she tells mom to pick it out, then says no shes not wearing it, pick out something else and so on and so forth), do my hair like yours, no thats not good enough..etc. -  but at night is the biggest problem, mom has allowed, thus far, the little girl to lay on the couch every night and watch tv until she falls asleep, then mom carries her to her room and puts her down, every night the little girl wakes up and crawls in bed with us (she seems too old, to me at least, for this behavior). i sat the little girl down and talked to her, told her we were setting some new rules and have set up a chores and reward program and also given her some big kid responsibility to make her own breakfast and pick out her own clothes. the girl responds to me quite well and does what i ask of her except when mom gets around, but thats another issue altogether. so big new rule was we were going to act like a big girl and sleep in her own bed, no tv - instead reading a book, and if she woke up in the middle of the night, at first, she could come in the room with us (just to ween her off of it slowly) but at least start off in her room. it started off wonderfully, mom read her a story then i laid in there and talked to her until she fell asleep - then 1:30am wake up call... horrible.. she throws a huge fit, blood curtling screams and nonstop crying,  because she wants to watch tv, we say no and stick to it (but of course mom wants us to just turn on the tv to shut her up).. the fit lasts about 30min, then she wants an oreo, then she wants her daddy, then back to the tv, this fit, still screaming and crying and now running from us around the house and trying to turn on the tv set, lasts another 30 min.. then when finally realizing she is not getting her way, a new game begins, now her eyes hurt and she cant sleep and now she needs medicine cause her leg hurts and now she needs a damp rag for her eyes, no not that towel a different towel, now you didnt wet it enough, now shes thirsty, now she doesnt want the towel, now she does want the towel, get a different towel, now she wants to sleep in moms bed. i wanted to put her in her room and let her cry it out, but im apparently heartless, mom gives in to the new game being played now.. no longer the tv fight, its now the power struggle to get her way (at least in my eyes), and the kid just won it again.. please help me before mom loses faith in my ideas for better behavior (it was hard enough to even talk to her about it seeing as its not my kid) and before i go insane.

[tdub321]

Ok, well I for one can appreciate that you didn't ask for advice about your love life, and I'm certainly not going to tell you to move out.  What I will say is that right now your girlfriend is being receptive enough to try your suggestions, and that's excellent! But, be aware that at this point she may be doing it more to please you (-- as a means to an end --) and that if the relationship ever fell apart, things might go back to the way they were.  This would be a pretty unstable and confusing thing for the little girl to go through.

For that reason, I will say that as you discuss discipline with your gf, you need to present it in a way that makes her want to do this for HER and her daughter.  That way if things ever change between you two, she'll still have good reasons to keep up the discipline and maintain consistency for the girl's sake.

I think everything Jacobis6 said is excellent.  Consistency, consistency, consistency.  Set boundaries, decide on displine ahead of time, and follow through WITHOUT fail.  

But besides that, think positive too:

1.  She wants control, and she can have it within your limits.   Provide the acceptable options and let her choose WHENEVER POSSIBLE.  If there are options (and there alays are) offer them for her to decide.  In the morning, if she wants mom to pick the clothes, mom can offer 3 outfits.  Those are the only three she can choose from.  If she refuses to choose, the choices change.  "You can choose, or I will choose."  still no response?  "You can choose one of these outfits, or you can go to time-out/lose priveleges, etc."  Decide ahead of time what an appropriate discipline will be, and stick to it.  

2.  Ignore bad behavior and make a HUGE deal out of desirable behavior.  Bad behavior is learned through conditioning.  I did something bad, I got attention, I like attention ---> I want attention, I'll do something bad.  Most recent research suggests that discipline is nowhere near as effective as praise in controlling behavior.  


Good luck!

[Agiesmom]

Yes, move back out.  Your girlfriend needs to focus on being a parent.  Your being there, trying to make changes, is just not going to work.  You aren't the girl's father--you aren't even her step-father--you really are no one to her.  You're just someone who, in her eyes, moved in to HER home and is not only taking some of her mother's attention from her, but you're trying to make her mother not care for her in the same way she always has in the past.  And while your girlfriend may listen to your input and may agree in the moment when no emotions are involved, she obviously isn't ready to lay down the law.

Yep...move out.  Let them figure it out.

[jacobis6]

WoW.  You've got your work cut out for you.  LISTEN.  Your girlfriend needs to decide she REALLY wants to change her daughter's behavior.  The ONLY reason she is like that is b/c she is ALLOWED to behave that way.  Children are SMART and can be manipulative in ways that we, as moms, don't even realize.  I have a six year old son and they WILL take advantage if they know they can.  My son gets out of his bed too in the middle of the night and comes in my bed.  I allowed it, because, one, I'm single and liked being close to him, snuggling, etc. and two because his father and I are divorced and I feel guilty about everything.  BUT, I've recently been cracking down for SO many reasons.  
First, children NEED boundaries and rules.  If they don't have it NOW, they will NOT be prepared for it LATER in life!  She will be a spoiled brat and expect everyone ELSE in the world to cater to her needs and her needs alone.  I think you should do some research on this subject and go to your girlfriend with it.  Apparently, she doesn't believe you when you say that your way is better.  And by the way, your methods are right on!  You don't have children yourself?  Because you sound like a loving father.  Anyway, your girlfriend needs to realize that you are trying to do what's best for her child, and that you're not trying to change her way of doing things, just the harmony in the house.  Emphasize that your relationship is affected by her daughter's behavior.  And emphasize that it's not exactly her daughter's fault.  Of course, DON'T say that it's your gf's fault, but be understanding to the fact that she has been a single parent and now you're there to be supportive.  Also talk to her about the fact that now that you two live together you have to work together.  You are willing to compromise on letting the girl come to bed with you AT FIRST.  She needs to be willing to compromise on things, too.  She has not properly taught her daughter rules and respect, for whatever reason.  Maybe she didn't know how.  But for whatever reason, she has to deal with the consequences.  The consequences being, hearing her daughter cry when she doesn't want to sleep alone and having her throw the fit for a hour in the middle of the night.  And it sounds like she not only needs discipline when it comes to sleeping at night, but with everything in general!  The key is....CONSISTENCY!!  When they see that you're NOT going to give in and that YOU are the boss, they will respect you more. I promise!   And the trade off is having peaceful rest everynight from then on and a household that will be more harmonious and happy.

You two will have SO much more of a chance of lasting forever if you're both on the same team!  GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND WE'RE GLAD YOU REACHED OUT TO GOOD PEOPLE INSTEAD OF HEARING FROM YOUR BUDDIES, "MAN, GET OUT OF THERE!"  :)

[RockRose]

I think you should move back out.  This child's mother is setting her daughter up for a lifetime of chaos by having a live in boyfriend.  This girl will grow up thinking this is the way things should be done.