4 year old wetting & soiling

[tf1970]

I have 2 boys 6 & 4. I toilet trained my then 3 year old son in may 2007, he did great even went to bed & didnt wet the bed at night.  He turned 4 in Jan 2008.
I was 4 months pregnant at the time.  We went on a family holiday in June 2007 & everything changed, he started wetting his pants & pooing in them, we ended up putting him in Little swimmers during the day & pull ups again at night.  I decided I would try to retrain him again on our return.
I moved into my parents house for 2 weeks while they were on holidays & this wetting etc still continued so I left it again for another while.  I started up the sticker chart & everything went well.
Had to keep him in Pull ups at night as just didnt seem to sink in to get up during the night to go to the bathroom even though I would cut out drinks in the evening & make him use the bathroom before he went to bed.  Now he is back doing this at least once a week, I had my 3rd child a girl & ended up in hospital for 2 weeks so put it down to this with him being out of sorts, I had blamed the break in his routine prior to this due to moving him out of his home when in my parents also.
I have slapped him, reasoned with him, put him back in a nappy to try to embarrass him, threatened to take toys off him, stop him from going to montessori, told him he wont be allowed go to big school in Sep.  I watch him throughout the day & see him jumping & tell him to go to the bathroom, it sometimes takes me 4 times to tell him before he will stop what he is doing to go.  He leaves it til the last minute & jumps around while taking down his pants to go to the toilet & by then he has already wet them.  He has started to go & change his clothes himself & put the wet pants in the laundry basket & tells me not to look at them.  He has soiled himself on few occasions, when out with my brother & his son, when I have had a friend in the house, when he is out in my parents house with other children.  I have tried to figure out is it an attention thing or just pure laziness.
I dont know what to do anymore.  I have rewarded him from the sticker chart when he has a full day of no accidents, should I go back down this route again ?

[skepticalpeach]

You should NEVER EVER slap a child for having an accident. That's horrible, you should be ashamed of yourself. I doubt he will stop having accidents now because you've scared him. Should I slap and threaten my daughter for having a speech delay? I don't think that would help her learn how to talk at all. And, you know what, she's still in pull ups at night. According the US Pediatric board children are not expected to be fully potty trained when they are 4 because their bladder muscles still aren't very developed. I wouldn't advertise how you are dealing with this because someone  might get really upset with you.

[margypops]

The other posts are old but I think that possible some anxiety has been created regarding the matter of your son, it occurs to me that if you lessen the talk, the punishments ,the problem may get better , perhaps he is constipated , children dont like to try to go if it hurts .Have you asked your doctor what he thinks .I dont it hard when you are the one doing the washing but make less of it, does he do this at school what does his teacher say if he smells .?

[Skrfuda]

My son is 8 yrs and 3 months and often squeezes his bottom to hold in having a poo which then slips partly out and he then soils in his boxers which dries smells and makes his bum sore I've tried everything he says he knows when he's got to go and as well as an 8th old can assures me he can feel in his tummy he needs a poo, I'm not so sure it's too late he panics and holds it in thinking he can't get to toilet on time. He's been soft soaped cuddled alsorts I've stopped playing out grounded him suggested doctors it stopped then started again and even found hidden boxers under his book case scared telling me I've explained he'll smell I'm sure he understands I'm so so
Upset no idea what to do I feel for him and worry I do however think how distracted he is in playing and things to point he just leaves it too late!  My younger sister had same problem at his age (now 35) and did grow out of it with no treatment or routed problem I remember this was before my parents split so can't blame that I recall my mum sympathetic approach and my dad furious but she's fine now!  It's upsetting as u don't want them to be seen smelt etc any advice please I just wonder if it's patience and encouragement they need To be patient themselves to actually go to the loo

[Nanc1970]

Dear tf,

He could be regressing because of the new baby...some older siblings will do this.  Also, whatever you do don't embarrass or threaten to do things...this will only make matters worse.  The sticker chart is a good thing...I did it with my daughter...I had a big desk calendar and would put a star on the day for each time she went pee and then she would get a bigger sticker (Mickey Mouse, Scooby-doo, etc.) when she went poo.  If she did really well and earned a good number of stars at the end of the week she got to go to the dollar store and pick out one thing.  You may just need to change the approach and don't push him...he will learn more quickly with rewards than negativity.  If he wets his pants just don't make a big deal of it...say, "Oh, well....you had an accident it happens."  Make light of the situation and you will get a lot farther with him:)  I have potty trained many kids in my life and had a daycare for 3 1/2 years.  Believe in him and he will succeed and so will you:)

Good luck I hope this helps.

Nanc1970