My 10 year old son had innappropriate touching with his friend.

[laceejm]

A few days ago, my son confesses to me, just randomly that he cant stop watching the pornography you tube videos, he feels so guilty about it and wants to stop and says he prays to God to help him stop. He wanted me to know because he knows he's not supposed to be doing this. This is something he was caught doing at the age of 7 and was taught about the birds and the bees at that young age unfortunately, since he already learned from the videos I thought it best we clarify to him the actual meaning of it. He was told it's not appropriate to watch them, although it's normal to be curious.

So then a few days later, he tells me again just randomly, his inappropriate behaviors with his friends. He states basically that he's riddled with guilt and needed to tell me. It's been weighing on his mind and he cant stop thinking about it and he needed to tell me because he feels guilty about it after he does it. He did not want to go into detail but basically tells me that him and his friends, his age, show each other there privates and may or may have not touched each other, he said he couldn't remember. I pursued further until he told me everything.

HIs balling his eyes out at this point and tells me his friend from a few years ago, he's ten now so they were 7ish at this point, he tells me they put each other's penises in each others mouths. I'm dead faced at this point in our conversation, I try not to show my shock but my eyes are wide and I know he see's it. What in the world do you say to this?

I asked him if he liked boys? He said no with shock that I even asked that. Is this normal curiosity, what's happening to my son?

[Lotus1015]

Your son is growing up! It's natural for him to be curious and experiment. Typically this would come at an older age, but because porn is so easily accessible, and our society is simply steeped in sexuality, kids lose their innocence much earlier nowadays. I suggest staying as calm as possible when he talks to you about these things. Reassure him that there's nothing wrong with his thoughts and feelings; sex is perfectly normal and the method by which humans have populated the earth. Explain to him that sex is something that adults do when they're ready, and that while it's perfectly okay for him to be curious about his body, he should do that in private.

Remember to explain that what he sees in those videos isn't a good representation of healthy sex. That these are movies made for entertainment the way cartoons are. Make sure he knows that not all adults like them or watch them - even if they enjoy sex. If he wants to learn more about his body and the changes he'll be experiencing in the next few years, buy him some reproductive education books; there are tons of resources out there. This can also open the door for talks about consent, STD's, etc. The important thing is to take away the guilt and seediness your son is feeling about something so very natural, and replace it with knowledge and empowerment.

Also be mindful of the environmental dialogue in your home in regard to homosexuality. If your son is gay or questioning his sexuality, it may be crippling to hear his family members speak negatively about it, even as a joke! Make sure he knows that you love him unconditionally and that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck!

[laceejm]

Oh my, thank you so much for your words. I really didn't know how to respond and I was hoping I wasn't doing more damage than good. You never know how much one small thing you do can effect their little growing minds. It's nice to know that this is normal. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, just reading this truly brought tears to my eyes. Thank you again.

[Margaret_Hale]

No, watching porn is not normal for an adult let alone for a 10 y.o. Whoever says otherwise take it with a grain of salt and do your own research. Some specialists consider introducing children to adult content material is a form of abuse since a child is not emotionally mature and his/her brain is not developed enough to cope with chemical changes that occur during the process. There are lots of reasons your child should not be allowed to watch porn. Here are a few that I can think of : 1. you are the parent and you know what is better for him (no adult content material (no grooming)  until he is of legal age. 2. pornography has been linked to prostitution and human trafficking (pornography is a Greek word that means ‘watching prostitution’) 3 watching adult content material interferes with the normal development of a child (look into how pornography modifies the brain chemistry) 4. it has been  proved to be addictive (see brain chemistry) 5. porn warps and twists the concept about a healthy sexual life, it destroyed families and lives of men and women alike, and it is degrading and dehumanizing. 6. He might have been introduced to it by some of his pals (if that is so you might need to make him understand that some of his friends are a bad influence and stop befriending these kids). 7. PIED ( porn induced erectile dysfunction- it is a new condition that most men who were watching porn for some time get it sooner or later, some REALY scary stuff for a man!). Your son sounds like a decent kid who is crying for help.  Why don't you discuss the bad and the ugly of pornpgraphy with him and after that ask him if he can stop himself from watching it  or if he needs your help (your help means you might need to restrict his access to the internet and break up the friendship with his “friends” for a while).
Last but not least, if you tell him that it is normal to do it and it is normal to be curious he might get the false impression that lots of kids are doing it and he would be the exception if he wouldn’t do it.  Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, it is the opposite. As I said, it is not normal behaviour and his curiosity should be focused on his schoolwork not sex.
One more thing: ask yourself why did God remove the penial bone in male humans?
Pray to God to give you strength to help your child rid himself of one of the plagues of our society. There is hope to break the addiction!  Please watch the video attached and the presentation given by Noah, Gabe’s co-presenter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2KrTBicyrQ

God Bless you!

[Womble_of_Wimbledon]

M_Hale, please could you comprehensively cite your sources as there seems mostly opinion delivered as fact in your comment.Thank you.

[A2k]

Really, I think common sense is enough citation for such facts as are stated by M_Hale, although I have also read research articles to support the "common sense". I don't want to sound religious as so many will easily reject truths if they sound (or are presented as) religious. But if you don't agree with M_Hale, teach your child pornography and study his development. Very good study for you, and a terrible outcome for him (and of course for you too). Good luck.

[Memelegs65]

I also learned at young age aswell me and my friend did but we didnt do anything bad but we watched nasty videos when i was 8 or 9 i got caught and m6 dad told my mom i was upset and cried because i knew it was wrong and it kinda ruined most of my childhood as i still grow up

[ambermana]

I will give the best advice I can from my perspective. I was sexualized at a young age and began masturbating and watching porn when I was 10. I do not think it's normal to be sexualized so young, although in this day and age it's very common. I do believe that is what led to me being permiscuous when I was older...although it's a different situation I think the best thing to do is educate him, make sure you don't make him feel guilty (it's a good think he's coming to you), and honestly I think therapy may be good for him! On a personal note, my father was sexualized around that age, and went on to molest me...I think it messes with people's mind at that young of an age and may manifest, so making sure he's in a good and open environment is important..

[Kellis07]

Okay.... I work with at-risk youth who have been sexually abused or are the abuser.  First off, heavy parental controls for devices.  Children are way too sexualized because of this. They get a false perception of how sec is suppose to be and take the purpose or mental connection out of it.  I would seek a therapist to help him work through this and help him discover who he is with support.  It seems you have good communication with him so getting him additional help will help eliminate the shame or guilt and help him work through any issues he may have.  And anyone who dismisses this as normal behavior or playing doctor isn't OK to me.  Two boys performing oral sex is beyond that.  Educate yourself.  Good boundaries.  Open communications.  Parental controls.

[Ruii371]

I definitely agree with others. The fact that he can confides in you shows that you're a great mother. I started experimenting at earlier age, between 4-5 yrs old with my male cousin who's younger than me. We were curious so we started kissing each other and touching each other inappropriately. Fortunately, we both snapped out of it not long after. You should really talks to him about every details regarding safe sex, what really happens in the bedroom between two lovers instead of how it's depicted by porn videos and especially how to treat partners. I honestly had an unhealthy addiction with bdsm videos that started when I was 13 due to no supervision by adults. It later transgend into bad choices in partners which of course became abusive relationships. Thank god I met someone who really loves me and treat me right. I'm married to his man now for 2 months already =D seriously, do lead your son throughout his life and accepts him for whatever he chooses to be because we can't help who we falls for. Gender is just gender, it doesn't change who we really are deep inside. Always love him and be there for him. I had no one through my darkest moment before so please don't let him go through that. All the best for both of you.

[AsItWere76054]

I would like to chime-in on this from a DIRECT exoeriences when I was younger (6-7 yrs old) When I was 6 a friend and I expirimented with eachother orally like your son has told you. I caution you here with your sons physcial feelings of this oral action. Since he and his friend have done it for quite some time, it will only become more persistant and thete WILL come a time where they will be caught. I highly suggest that you help him to understand that this type of behaivor (regardless if it is boy/boy girl/girl or boy/girl) is highly innapropriate for his age and he needs to cease said sexual contact between him and others. Honestly if you do not let him know this, it will only get worse as far as FREQUENCY. I understand that 'a few times' will happen but it will become...a more practiced action and low and behold, down the line in a few months things will progress (as is the natural flow of things) and sooner or later they will break off from eachother and your son WILL seek out another to continue these actions though by then, he will have become more advanced in said practices. At his young age, it is highly important to help him to understand that regardless of how it makes him feel sexually (good) he is doing an ADULT act and is not yet able to fathom the complexity of this (as far as repercussions and effects) and therefore should wait til he is in his Late Teens (16, 17, 18) to revisit and explore these practices with others his age. Sex at an early age DOES have adverse effects. They may not be clearly apparent YET but they will pull themselves to the surface at a later time. In closing, I stopped ALL actions on my own because I knew that my guilt made me stop regardless of how good these actions with another felt. I fineally gave my Virginity at a very LATE age (24) but was glad that I refused to be sexual for my entire life between 7-24. I can say with a clear heart and mind that I had NO problems with boyfriends because I simply REFUSED to allow myself to be put in circumstances.

[chiquitabee]

Totally totally agree with you!!!!! AsitWere76054. Best answer so far. They need to know actions has concequences.

[KMCK1]

So true. You are lucky that he came to you--that shows that you are a great mom because he trusts you and knows you will help him. Here is a good opportunity to show him that you mean what you say when you tell him you love him no matter what. Reassure him that you are going to help him fix the problem, but theres nothing wrong with leveling with him and letting him know that you need help to know what to do, then call a professional. They can help give the both of you the tools to overcome this but also be someone both of you can talk to about your feelings independently. Decide on this person together. Decide on plans of treatment/management together. Make him apart of the process so it does not feel like a punishment and cause deep shame, but rather a solution. It is a tough situation--been there--but not a hopeless one by far, and a really great opportunity to grow your relationship while also solving a problem. Hang in there!

[chiquitabee]

Totally agree with KMCK1. It's a very delicate and difficult situation . But thank God he felt he could talk to you. Don't go around and talk to people who cannot help, as this is a serious issue for everyone in your household. I personally myself would have a chat with the other friend's parents . We would be shocked to find out maybe the other friend is more awake & experienced in this subject. We must be very careful who we allow our children to be friends and socialize. It's a new whole world out there and society is stealing our children's innocence. Take away the porn for now and maybe contact a sex therapist for you both/ family therapist. I see it different than many. This is serious subject . It's your son and should be addressed in the best possible way, but you need to be firm as well. Good luck mom

[YMA8]

Good pictures bad pictures is a great book about pornographer and children. It's an introductory book and sadly your son is past that part BUT the second part talks about the addiction and hormones/chemicals and how it can rewire the brain. I would first love him and tell him he did the right thing by telling you. He feels bad because it is not healthy. That's his heart telling him it's not good and he won't feel better until he stops viewing and acting it out. Offer to help him so he can feel peace again. I would find a counselor who specializes in porn addiction in children.  You need to talk to the other parents of the joys involved so they can help their kids. Then, remove all screens from within his access until you can be sure he has the proper tools and practice to know how to safely (avoid porn) navigate the internet. No sleepovers. It's not too late for him. There is help and your sweet boy wants it.

[Jeannie2_0]

It's so crazy that with all the accessible porn out there and the misrepresentations of sex that we haven't implemented a more comprehensive sexual education program in our schools. Children should be taught about sexual health, safe sex practices, and everything else that goes along with it, especially at young ages. Instead of waiting until high school to teach them over two weeks at most and hope that they listen. Yet we wonder why so many of our children are becoming parents before becoming adults themselves! Sorry for the rant, but it frustrates me lol.
  Now, based on my studies for my psych degree your soon is exhibiting normal behavior, as crazy as it may seem because of how taboo sex is. However, I do agree with a previous poster that you will want to steer him away from being so ashamed. The poor boy could develop some serious psychological issues (or worse, deviant sexual behaviors by like hurting himself or others) if he grows up being ashamed of himself and his natural urges. I understand how difficult it can be to openly talk about sex, especially with a child. But it's so important that you openly communicate with him (in an appropriate way of course) about sex and his sexual health. Make him feel safe and comfortable, that way he will feel secure enough to ask questions for clarification. Encourage him to ask you questions whenever he wants to and make sure that you buy him true educational tools to help support any thing you tell him and to cover things you may not know. (In fact, maybe read them with him, never know what you may learn too!) I hope this helps, please take care. I hope this all works out. And if your son is gay, please embrace him, let him know that it's okay as long as it makes him happy. That you will love him no matter what! Bless you both!

[Tao36]

It's hardly even sexual at his age because he hasn't gone through puberty yet. When I was his age we didn't have access to porn but I had friends that would experiment like he would and they all grew up heterosexual. It's more of a curiosity since mandatory clothing has made "private parts" taboo. It's nothing to worry about. Porn is more of a problem since it can give him unrealistic thoughts about sex and mess with his dopamine levels but he would need to watch porn for a few years at least before it causes serious damage. The fact that he admits it is wrong is proof enough that he will eventually overcome this on his own.

[laceejm]

Thank you so much, it's good to hear this is a normal thing.

[Mehmeh123]

It's hard for some adults to accept. But many many kids do play doctor. Age won't stop it from feeling good. I think you need to just make sure you have very open dialogue about this. Even get him to dial back on the shame so he will talk about it more often. Nownis a good time to have safe sex talks for gay and straight sex. Boys who mess with other boys often start sexual relations at younger ages, such as 13. He may like boys or both. Sometimes kids don't think about it until hormones hit and tell them what they like. I assumed I was straight until puberty and then all the sudden hormones went wild and I knew very strongly I didn't like guys, I was very attracted to other girls.

[laceejm]

Thank you so much. Just the messing with other boys had me concerned. I mean, I only have two kids of my own and I really want grandkids from at least one of them. I'll support him either way, as long as he's happy and knows what he wants in life and is headed in the right direction. I don't want him feeling this guilt for feeling like this. I think your right, he will start sexual relations at a younger age as well. I'll need to explain lot's of sex safe issues with him and STD's before it starts then. Thank you for your response, I'll be sure to take your advice and do just so.

[chiquitabee]

Whatever you do. Try to keep him away from that friend. Try to involved him into school activities, sports. It's the company our children are associating . They're responsible for our children' s sexual awakening. I would even consider taking him to a therapist . It would help. Good luck

[chiquitabee]

Sorry for all those mistakes.

[chiquitabee]

Whatever you do. Try to keep him away from that friend. Try to involved him into school activities, sports. It's the company our children are associating . They're responsible for our children' s sexual awakening. I would even consider taking him to a therapist . It would help. Good luck