Aa
At a loss
At the age of three my son was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, and Encropresis as well as a Phonological disorder. We have been going through therapy through school as well as have tried medications and behavioral therapy. Last fall, he was suspended from kindergarten three times within one month and then transferred to another school where it was just him and a teacher. Needless to say, the stress levels at home became very high due to having to figure out how to help him on top of everything else I was doing. In the end, he ended up going to his fathers (lives out of state and normally only goes there during school breaks) to finish kindergarten out as I could not do it any longer and I felt that him being around children his own age at home (he has a step sister one year older at dads while I only have my ds) would help him. So, ds finished the school year out there and has been back with me since June.
Since school has begun, I feel the levels of anxiety and disruption rising. DS is doing "ok" at school - we've had our IEP meeting and his support team seems great; however, at home has gotten worse. He is so defiant and it's almost continuous. It's to the point where I feel beaten down and am unable to be the parent I know that I can be. Besides being at school and maybe one evening a week, DS and I are always around one another. We play games, go to the library, cook, go to the park, and etc together; however, that only last for maybe an hour or so a day. The rest of the time, no matter what I do or say, it's like hate is radiating from him. Everything I ask him to do - it could be for him to pick his shoes up - ends up being a battle. I know that my son has issues and I feel as if I've tried, tried, and given, and given to him all these years and I get nothing but defiance and hate from him.
Last year, my son and I lived on the opposite side of the city - about 45 minutes away from my family. To make matters easier - to have a a support system. But I feel as if my ds is a burden to everyone. If I ask for just one night a week to myself, for them to babysit, it's as if the world has come to an end. They say they help (my mother does watch him for about two hours after school - which he sleeps most of the time) but I don't feel as if they understand. I'm constantly ridiculed about my ds's behavior and that I need to do something about it. I'm trying so hard and I feel as if no one understands.
So to sum things up, I don't know what to do. I feel as if I am now a mother rejecting its young because it's gotten to a point where I just despise him. I feel the cloud lifting whenever I drop him off to school and head to work. I'd rather be at work than be around him.
Any advice from people that have gone through these issues with a child diagnosed as such? Anything will help - really!
Since school has begun, I feel the levels of anxiety and disruption rising. DS is doing "ok" at school - we've had our IEP meeting and his support team seems great; however, at home has gotten worse. He is so defiant and it's almost continuous. It's to the point where I feel beaten down and am unable to be the parent I know that I can be. Besides being at school and maybe one evening a week, DS and I are always around one another. We play games, go to the library, cook, go to the park, and etc together; however, that only last for maybe an hour or so a day. The rest of the time, no matter what I do or say, it's like hate is radiating from him. Everything I ask him to do - it could be for him to pick his shoes up - ends up being a battle. I know that my son has issues and I feel as if I've tried, tried, and given, and given to him all these years and I get nothing but defiance and hate from him.
Last year, my son and I lived on the opposite side of the city - about 45 minutes away from my family. To make matters easier - to have a a support system. But I feel as if my ds is a burden to everyone. If I ask for just one night a week to myself, for them to babysit, it's as if the world has come to an end. They say they help (my mother does watch him for about two hours after school - which he sleeps most of the time) but I don't feel as if they understand. I'm constantly ridiculed about my ds's behavior and that I need to do something about it. I'm trying so hard and I feel as if no one understands.
So to sum things up, I don't know what to do. I feel as if I am now a mother rejecting its young because it's gotten to a point where I just despise him. I feel the cloud lifting whenever I drop him off to school and head to work. I'd rather be at work than be around him.
Any advice from people that have gone through these issues with a child diagnosed as such? Anything will help - really!
Thank you for an update, but I am sorry to hear that your son had been suspended from school and he is still have problems.
As a mother it is very heart breaking not knowing what to do for the best.
He is a child and children do not process thoughts like adults. He will just do what comes at the spur of the moment, albeit not so good.
As he didn't finish the timed maths test, it may be a good idea to get him checked out for dyslexia. Children diagnosed with dyslexia do get given more time to complete their tests. This not excuse him from throwing a "wobbly".
By what you write it sounds like he is very insecure and it is very important for you to reassure him that you do love him, by giving him hugs and kisses, but make it clear that you will not tolerate bad behaviour and sanctions will be given. No point in shouting and losing your temper with him, as this will serve no purpose.
I trust that even though he is suspended at the moment that he will continue to be seen by the therapist.
I am not sure if the psychiatrist is the right person for him to see. I would have thought a child psychologist may be the right person.
You could contact the psychiatrist department to say that if they do have any cancellations you would be happy to attend an appointment at short notice.
I would also try a get him to be seen by a child psychologist.
Best of luck.
As a mother it is very heart breaking not knowing what to do for the best.
He is a child and children do not process thoughts like adults. He will just do what comes at the spur of the moment, albeit not so good.
As he didn't finish the timed maths test, it may be a good idea to get him checked out for dyslexia. Children diagnosed with dyslexia do get given more time to complete their tests. This not excuse him from throwing a "wobbly".
By what you write it sounds like he is very insecure and it is very important for you to reassure him that you do love him, by giving him hugs and kisses, but make it clear that you will not tolerate bad behaviour and sanctions will be given. No point in shouting and losing your temper with him, as this will serve no purpose.
I trust that even though he is suspended at the moment that he will continue to be seen by the therapist.
I am not sure if the psychiatrist is the right person for him to see. I would have thought a child psychologist may be the right person.
You could contact the psychiatrist department to say that if they do have any cancellations you would be happy to attend an appointment at short notice.
I would also try a get him to be seen by a child psychologist.
Best of luck.
An update:
We have started to see a therapist that has access to my son in school. I'm not quite sure if it's working or not, only time will tell.
My son has been suspend twice this school year and we have revamped his IEP to help with his BIP (Behavioral Intervention Plan), but the school has decided to suspend him again. Last Friday he decided to punch his teacher in the stomach several times, tried to stab her with a pencil, and then chased her with a pair of scissors saying that he was going to kill her with them. I picked him up from school and had a heart to heart with him on what he said and what those actions actually mean - we had a weekend of hard work with cleaning and organizing and continued to talk about good choices and how they make us feel versus the bad ones.
Today, he hit his teacher in the stomach again and also some of his classmates. He ran from the teacher and the principle and pulled down information off of a bulletin board. He ran out of the school (a school "cop" was called to help) and he would not go back inside. My mother picked him up from school and he is suspended again.
We are not able to get into see the psychiatrist until November and he is continuing to work with the therapist. Each of his behaviors are triggered by something, such as:
At before care last week he was playing tag with other students and was tagging them - once a kid tagged him he immediately turned around and hit the child (he was in flag football once and would gladly pull the other kids flags but as soon as his would pulled he would have a kneejerk reaction and immediately hit the child that pulled his flag).
Another episode happened when he didn't have time to finish a timed math test (he's really good at math and has a lot of pride in it). The school couldn't "bring him back" after that happened and he became upset and couldn't handle himself.
Another reaction happened because he was first in line from using the restroom - however it was his day to be 3rd in line. He couldn't handle that his number was 3 since he was the first one done.
It's like a switch goes off and instead of making the right decision he automatically makes a bad choice. When I speak with him about what happened he understands that it was wrong and is very remorseful. Is it time to get more in depth therapy - another evaluation on why he is responding this way? He worries all the time about me loving him and other people liking him - this is a huge concern for him.
Are there signs that I'm missing on the correct diagnosis path? There has got to be something that explains it all but I can't figure it out nor can those around us.
We have started to see a therapist that has access to my son in school. I'm not quite sure if it's working or not, only time will tell.
My son has been suspend twice this school year and we have revamped his IEP to help with his BIP (Behavioral Intervention Plan), but the school has decided to suspend him again. Last Friday he decided to punch his teacher in the stomach several times, tried to stab her with a pencil, and then chased her with a pair of scissors saying that he was going to kill her with them. I picked him up from school and had a heart to heart with him on what he said and what those actions actually mean - we had a weekend of hard work with cleaning and organizing and continued to talk about good choices and how they make us feel versus the bad ones.
Today, he hit his teacher in the stomach again and also some of his classmates. He ran from the teacher and the principle and pulled down information off of a bulletin board. He ran out of the school (a school "cop" was called to help) and he would not go back inside. My mother picked him up from school and he is suspended again.
We are not able to get into see the psychiatrist until November and he is continuing to work with the therapist. Each of his behaviors are triggered by something, such as:
At before care last week he was playing tag with other students and was tagging them - once a kid tagged him he immediately turned around and hit the child (he was in flag football once and would gladly pull the other kids flags but as soon as his would pulled he would have a kneejerk reaction and immediately hit the child that pulled his flag).
Another episode happened when he didn't have time to finish a timed math test (he's really good at math and has a lot of pride in it). The school couldn't "bring him back" after that happened and he became upset and couldn't handle himself.
Another reaction happened because he was first in line from using the restroom - however it was his day to be 3rd in line. He couldn't handle that his number was 3 since he was the first one done.
It's like a switch goes off and instead of making the right decision he automatically makes a bad choice. When I speak with him about what happened he understands that it was wrong and is very remorseful. Is it time to get more in depth therapy - another evaluation on why he is responding this way? He worries all the time about me loving him and other people liking him - this is a huge concern for him.
Are there signs that I'm missing on the correct diagnosis path? There has got to be something that explains it all but I can't figure it out nor can those around us.
Hello Brandy,
In your first post you say that when your son was 3 he was diagnosed with ...... How old is he now?
When you mentioned in another post "It's more anger and defiance than anything else." I think you have hit the nail on the head so to speak.
When parents separate for whatever reason when a relationship does not work out, it affects the child very emotionally even younger than a 3 year old.
He is not able to express in words how he feels about you and his father splitting up and in fact all these exhibits of anger, defiance may be his only way at expressing the way he feels about his mum and dad not being together. Perhaps you should say to him that mummy and daddy made him out of love and that you both love him and it is NOT his fault that you split up. Young children blame themselves for their parents split ups and you need to reassure him that it had nothing to do with him.
You may need to tell him this many times and over a long period of time.
The diagnosis of the Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder may all be related to the family split up if this happened around that time or soon after you separated from your husband.
You need to also try and find out what is causing the Encropresis. Is it painful for him to empty his bowels and he is holding on until he then has no control, or he does not go to use the toilet in time, or whether this is done deliberately. You say that in the one incident he gave the excuse that he forgot. Because he does have this problem, he should be observed or if he lets wind, then for him to be reminded to go to the toilet. Children sometimes will not go deliberately and hold on so as not to miss anything, and then have a mishap. Again the holding on may be a psychological thing of "not letting go" which can be connected with his mum and dad not being together.
With regard to the Phonological disorder, all children while they are developing their speech will go through different phases of this. As I do not know the age of your son, it is hard for me to say whether this is due to his developmental skills, or psychological issues. Some children for example will hold on to "baby talk" when they are much older. This too may be due to him being unhappy about his parents not being together.
You should not feel guilty for wanting some "me time". This is vital to your health and well-being. As for crying at work, this is nothing to be ashamed of. This is your body's release mechanism by letting go of all the emotional feelings that you have been bottling up. It is far worse for you to bottle up all these emotions.
I know that you are going through a rough time at the moment and it is very hard to show love to a child that has drained you of your energy and how this has made you feel to resent him and that too will make you feel guilty that you are feeling like that. This too is a very normal reaction, so do not feel guilty.
If your son has not been referred to or seen by a child psychologist, perhaps you could consider this. He may benefit from a speech therapist. I do not know how you get referred to these people in your country, perhaps the school or your doctor may be able to provide you with information with regard to that or refer your to seen by these people.
All the best
In your first post you say that when your son was 3 he was diagnosed with ...... How old is he now?
When you mentioned in another post "It's more anger and defiance than anything else." I think you have hit the nail on the head so to speak.
When parents separate for whatever reason when a relationship does not work out, it affects the child very emotionally even younger than a 3 year old.
He is not able to express in words how he feels about you and his father splitting up and in fact all these exhibits of anger, defiance may be his only way at expressing the way he feels about his mum and dad not being together. Perhaps you should say to him that mummy and daddy made him out of love and that you both love him and it is NOT his fault that you split up. Young children blame themselves for their parents split ups and you need to reassure him that it had nothing to do with him.
You may need to tell him this many times and over a long period of time.
The diagnosis of the Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Disruptive Behavior Disorder may all be related to the family split up if this happened around that time or soon after you separated from your husband.
You need to also try and find out what is causing the Encropresis. Is it painful for him to empty his bowels and he is holding on until he then has no control, or he does not go to use the toilet in time, or whether this is done deliberately. You say that in the one incident he gave the excuse that he forgot. Because he does have this problem, he should be observed or if he lets wind, then for him to be reminded to go to the toilet. Children sometimes will not go deliberately and hold on so as not to miss anything, and then have a mishap. Again the holding on may be a psychological thing of "not letting go" which can be connected with his mum and dad not being together.
With regard to the Phonological disorder, all children while they are developing their speech will go through different phases of this. As I do not know the age of your son, it is hard for me to say whether this is due to his developmental skills, or psychological issues. Some children for example will hold on to "baby talk" when they are much older. This too may be due to him being unhappy about his parents not being together.
You should not feel guilty for wanting some "me time". This is vital to your health and well-being. As for crying at work, this is nothing to be ashamed of. This is your body's release mechanism by letting go of all the emotional feelings that you have been bottling up. It is far worse for you to bottle up all these emotions.
I know that you are going through a rough time at the moment and it is very hard to show love to a child that has drained you of your energy and how this has made you feel to resent him and that too will make you feel guilty that you are feeling like that. This too is a very normal reaction, so do not feel guilty.
If your son has not been referred to or seen by a child psychologist, perhaps you could consider this. He may benefit from a speech therapist. I do not know how you get referred to these people in your country, perhaps the school or your doctor may be able to provide you with information with regard to that or refer your to seen by these people.
All the best
COMMUNITY LEADER
boy, I can really understand your concerns about medicating him and the results of long term medication. Fortunately, there has been a lot of research on this. I am giving you 3 good links that should answer most of your questions.
The falling asleep does make sense. Stim meds if not given at the correct time (or if too big a dose) will make it very difficult to sleep. He probably did not get much sleep that night and made up for it during the day. Its kind of weird, but some kids actually sleep better because the stim meds stop there mind from racing from subject to subect. It all depends on the kid.
I do hear you about the money issues. Make sure your doc is also aware. Lots of times they can be very helpful in that regard.
Anyway, the links are below. If you have any questions about them or need more info - please post.
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/medication/WWK3
http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/22/10856.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=August
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10852-2.html
The falling asleep does make sense. Stim meds if not given at the correct time (or if too big a dose) will make it very difficult to sleep. He probably did not get much sleep that night and made up for it during the day. Its kind of weird, but some kids actually sleep better because the stim meds stop there mind from racing from subject to subect. It all depends on the kid.
I do hear you about the money issues. Make sure your doc is also aware. Lots of times they can be very helpful in that regard.
Anyway, the links are below. If you have any questions about them or need more info - please post.
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/medication/WWK3
http://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/22/10856.html?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=August
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10852-2.html
My son has not met my boyfriend as I believe that it is not time for them to meet. I am extremely cautious about this - in fact, my son has only met one of my boyfriends since his father and we were together for over two years.
Yes, what my son said yesterday was on the mild side of things - very mild. It's really not the things that he says that are bad, it's his physical actions and defiance. He will hit, scream, kick, hurt the cat, hurt his 2 year old cousin, lash out - it's pretty much what a typical child would do but it's amplified. These behaviors have been going on for years now and since he's getting bigger and more self-sufficient things are becoming more and more hostile. Again, this is not 100% of the time. The times when he's not acting out, he is all over me - literally. He's on my lap, hanging to my arm - all of his homework has "I love mommy" written all over it. While some may think this is cute, it's only that way to a point. It seems a bit unhealthy - how attached he is to me. If he could crawl into my skin, he probably would.
His father pays child support - while it's extremely low and not even enough to cover his basic needs for a week - and is not willing to pitch in anymore than he's required to. His father does not believe in medication or counseling. At this time - I'm having to beg him for his insurance information in regards to mental health (I have the card but since I'm not the carrier I can't get the information).
What strategies do you use?
Yes, what my son said yesterday was on the mild side of things - very mild. It's really not the things that he says that are bad, it's his physical actions and defiance. He will hit, scream, kick, hurt the cat, hurt his 2 year old cousin, lash out - it's pretty much what a typical child would do but it's amplified. These behaviors have been going on for years now and since he's getting bigger and more self-sufficient things are becoming more and more hostile. Again, this is not 100% of the time. The times when he's not acting out, he is all over me - literally. He's on my lap, hanging to my arm - all of his homework has "I love mommy" written all over it. While some may think this is cute, it's only that way to a point. It seems a bit unhealthy - how attached he is to me. If he could crawl into my skin, he probably would.
His father pays child support - while it's extremely low and not even enough to cover his basic needs for a week - and is not willing to pitch in anymore than he's required to. His father does not believe in medication or counseling. At this time - I'm having to beg him for his insurance information in regards to mental health (I have the card but since I'm not the carrier I can't get the information).
What strategies do you use?
I can tell you that my son's worst moments are when he is having any sort of fit or not being his best self. He can't totally control it at times. And to be honest . .. while that hurt you what he said, that is pretty tame from things he 'could' be saying.
Perhaps he senses that you are feeling overwhelmed and perhaps his being sent away left him with the impression that you don't WANT to care for him (rather than the truth that you needed help due to his behavior).
Kids with adhd (and sensory like my kid) have a lack of filter. Sometimes I've died at the things my son has said. He'll look his best buddy in the eyes that we've worked so hard to foster a friendship with and say "I'm so bored with you today. This hasn't been fun at all getting together." He LOVES his friend. He just lacks a filter that we have worked with an occupational therapist to help have strategies so that he doesn't hurt people with whatever thought pops into his head and saying it. I cue my son if I hear him say these things and the look of horror on his face that he just said something so cruel and rude and hurtful . . . but it just comes out. we ALL have thoughts in our head that we don't say. Adhd kids say it.
I can tell you some of our strategies that seem to help with this if you want.
But think of it this way. Say it is a really bad day with him. And the thought drifts into your head "man, I wish he'd go live with his dad so I don't have to deal with this." It's there for like 4 seconds. If you had add/adhd, you might say it out loud. But you don't, because you have a filter and understand that it is just a thought for a brief second. So, try not to take hurtful things he says personally.
You mention a boyfriend. Could this factor into his behavior in any way?
So, medication. I hear ya. I don't like the idea of medicating kids. However, if it is what a child needs, it is what they need. I can get past it if it is going to help them function and in many cases, functioning makes them FEEL better.
I also understand money issues. Would his father be willing to help financially a bit more?
Perhaps he senses that you are feeling overwhelmed and perhaps his being sent away left him with the impression that you don't WANT to care for him (rather than the truth that you needed help due to his behavior).
Kids with adhd (and sensory like my kid) have a lack of filter. Sometimes I've died at the things my son has said. He'll look his best buddy in the eyes that we've worked so hard to foster a friendship with and say "I'm so bored with you today. This hasn't been fun at all getting together." He LOVES his friend. He just lacks a filter that we have worked with an occupational therapist to help have strategies so that he doesn't hurt people with whatever thought pops into his head and saying it. I cue my son if I hear him say these things and the look of horror on his face that he just said something so cruel and rude and hurtful . . . but it just comes out. we ALL have thoughts in our head that we don't say. Adhd kids say it.
I can tell you some of our strategies that seem to help with this if you want.
But think of it this way. Say it is a really bad day with him. And the thought drifts into your head "man, I wish he'd go live with his dad so I don't have to deal with this." It's there for like 4 seconds. If you had add/adhd, you might say it out loud. But you don't, because you have a filter and understand that it is just a thought for a brief second. So, try not to take hurtful things he says personally.
You mention a boyfriend. Could this factor into his behavior in any way?
So, medication. I hear ya. I don't like the idea of medicating kids. However, if it is what a child needs, it is what they need. I can get past it if it is going to help them function and in many cases, functioning makes them FEEL better.
I also understand money issues. Would his father be willing to help financially a bit more?
The medication that my son was on was Intuniv. He was on it when he was 5 and it seemed to work great. However, insurance covered a small portion until the prescription deductible was met, and we ended up paying right around $180.00 per month for the medication. I opted for this medication to begin with because it was a non-stimulant drug to help with ADHD. He didn't have any problems with it - didn't notice any side effects or anything. One down side was that he couldn't have any off days unlike the others. The first medication he took was Focalin; however, I can't remember why we switched from that one. After the Intuniv we started Adderall. His psychiatrist at the time ended up uping his meds at one point and we ended up in the ER with extremely low blood pressure and excessive sleepiness (he fell asleep during his football game).
I really feel horrible medicating him - he's so young and what are the long term side effects? Will he be on medication for the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to function without it? These are the questions that I think about. Also, for a single mom with an income that I have (I make too much for state help such as medicaid and whatnot but not enough to be able to afford all of these medical treatments and psychiatry visits) it's difficult to have all of these treatments and medications. I'm now stressing over what it's going to cost me for the therapy that I'm currently setting up.
In regards to him acting out on purpose - I don't know. He says things to me that are so hurtful - last night it was "You don't care for me. You don't do anything for me. I care for you and you don't care for me". I mean, I work so hard and try so hard that these things hurt. I tried talking to him telling him that I do care and that I am trying - his response "No, you don't. You can't come to my birthday party. I don't want you there". Also, he is what I would call a master negotiator. He tries to negotiate EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I don't even know that he's doing it until it's over with.
I really feel horrible medicating him - he's so young and what are the long term side effects? Will he be on medication for the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to function without it? These are the questions that I think about. Also, for a single mom with an income that I have (I make too much for state help such as medicaid and whatnot but not enough to be able to afford all of these medical treatments and psychiatry visits) it's difficult to have all of these treatments and medications. I'm now stressing over what it's going to cost me for the therapy that I'm currently setting up.
In regards to him acting out on purpose - I don't know. He says things to me that are so hurtful - last night it was "You don't care for me. You don't do anything for me. I care for you and you don't care for me". I mean, I work so hard and try so hard that these things hurt. I tried talking to him telling him that I do care and that I am trying - his response "No, you don't. You can't come to my birthday party. I don't want you there". Also, he is what I would call a master negotiator. He tries to negotiate EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I don't even know that he's doing it until it's over with.
COMMUNITY LEADER
The links I sent you should help with the home environment.
Its possible as Specialmom mentioned that he is trying to hold it together so much at school, that when he gets home he just falls apart? It sounds like he is unmediated at school? Maybe they are doing so things at school that you could copy at home?
You said, "In regards to the ADHD diagnosis - I really don't think that this is the underlying reason for his behavior. It's more anger and defiance than anything else." I can tell you from a lot of years on the ADHD site that yes, it is the ADHD that is causing this. You think he is doing this on purpose or has control over this? I am surprised your doctor has not better informed you on this.
You mentioned that he was on one expensive med that helped. If you don't mind what was it? It will give me a feeling for what is going on with him. Also if the other meds made him like a zombie, then he probably was over medicated (unless they were anti-psychotics - in which case he still was over medicated). Stim meds will make a normal person hyper, but for a child with ADHD they can do just the opposite if too much is given.
Its possible as Specialmom mentioned that he is trying to hold it together so much at school, that when he gets home he just falls apart? It sounds like he is unmediated at school? Maybe they are doing so things at school that you could copy at home?
You said, "In regards to the ADHD diagnosis - I really don't think that this is the underlying reason for his behavior. It's more anger and defiance than anything else." I can tell you from a lot of years on the ADHD site that yes, it is the ADHD that is causing this. You think he is doing this on purpose or has control over this? I am surprised your doctor has not better informed you on this.
You mentioned that he was on one expensive med that helped. If you don't mind what was it? It will give me a feeling for what is going on with him. Also if the other meds made him like a zombie, then he probably was over medicated (unless they were anti-psychotics - in which case he still was over medicated). Stim meds will make a normal person hyper, but for a child with ADHD they can do just the opposite if too much is given.
It really sounds as if your son could benefit from a day treatment program, even at a very young age. This would give you both some time apart while your son receives treatment for his disorders. Either your son's pediatrician or a mental health professional can refer you to a day treatment facility. Regarding payment, all facilities are different. Usually, they take health insurance. Some also accept Medicaid. You simply would need to contact one to learn more about this option.
Yes - I have spoken to my family about how I feel. My parents are very old school. I was raised in a Marine Corps household and an extremely strict environment. They believe that I should physically punish him by spanking. I've tried to explain to them that spanking is not the answer (my son feeds off of anger and punishment - it only fuels his rage and defiant behavior). I've explained to them the methods that I use and their response is that when he's their it's how they feel the punishment is needed. This is something that we continue to battle about. When he does stay the night with them, I drop him off an hour before bedtime and pick him up by 8am because I'm nervous as to what his behavior was like and what happened. I've also expressed to them that I don't need to hear all the negative - whenever I pick him up its "your son did this and that". In addition - it's always "well, I need a night to myself too". To this, they are empty nesters; however, they do spend a crazy amount of time with my two nieces.
I've also explained to them on how them acting as if it's a big deal really bothers and hurts me. It's as if they are rejecting me and my son.
My other close relative is my sister and she's going through a divorce with two kids. I think its unfair to burden her with the addition of my son - she states she doesn't mind but she's extremely hesitant on watching him and it's always only in that I will keep her two kids (3 and 9) the following evening. Once again, I pick him up early the next day.
Being around my son for more than several hours can be extremely taxing, so their hesitance on watching him is understood - but it doesn't make it any less hurtful and any less needed on my part.
I also feel guilty of wanting that one night a week (I do have a boyfriend that I only see at that time) - I'm his parent and I should be taking care of him. My son is extremely attached to me - more so than what I think is normal. He always has to be by my side and is very possessive. Again, something that we are working on but doesn't seem to lessen any.
I've also explained to them on how them acting as if it's a big deal really bothers and hurts me. It's as if they are rejecting me and my son.
My other close relative is my sister and she's going through a divorce with two kids. I think its unfair to burden her with the addition of my son - she states she doesn't mind but she's extremely hesitant on watching him and it's always only in that I will keep her two kids (3 and 9) the following evening. Once again, I pick him up early the next day.
Being around my son for more than several hours can be extremely taxing, so their hesitance on watching him is understood - but it doesn't make it any less hurtful and any less needed on my part.
I also feel guilty of wanting that one night a week (I do have a boyfriend that I only see at that time) - I'm his parent and I should be taking care of him. My son is extremely attached to me - more so than what I think is normal. He always has to be by my side and is very possessive. Again, something that we are working on but doesn't seem to lessen any.
Have you discussed with your family how you feel when they ridicule you for your son's behavior when you have them babysit? Unless you and your son spend some time apart, this is always going to be an issue.
To answer your questions:
Unfortunately, hiring a baby sitter just so I can have alone time is not something that is feasible financially. The whole point of me moving closer to my family is because they knew that I needed a support system and help with him, but that has failed.
As for the anger management, I have done a plethora of things. We have done play therapy, we speak about how he was feeling when he was angry (he never seems to know - it's as if there's a switch that's abruptly turned off and on), we have done behavioral charts, sticker charts, taking things away, time out's, removing rewards, and awarding him for pleasantness. I always make it a point to comment on his good behavior and when he helps out. I think that this is crucial, but unfortunately those times are becoming less and less frequent.
In regards to working on other mental health things - we've always done a full circle of efforts and treatment: working on all of them for the best outcome. He was medicated at one point, but the one that worked best was over $200 per month after insurance. The others just made him a zombie which I do not believe is healthy. I really do not want to go down that path again. Also, his father denies medication even though our court paperwork states that he must give it to him.
Moving closer to his father is not an option. A) It was his father that moved out of state and B) I am not willing to separate myself from where I grew up.
In regards to picking my fights (I call them battles), this is something that i practice. The biggest issue use to be meals - now I don't even battle him over it. If he eats, he does - he won't starve himself.
As of earlier today, I have reached out for counseling for myself and for him with the goal of a wrap around technique. I actually lost it at work today - just started crying. I feel that I'm failing as a parent - not only for him but for myself. Whenever my son is not around, my emotions are balanced and I am happy. Whenever he is around, I'm the complete opposite. Dealing with him (yes, that is what it feels like at this point) literally makes me depressed. I've pretty much been crying for the past 24 hours. Then today, I get a phone call because he's had another bower movement in his pants at school. I am now required to provide extra clothing for him. The teachers have been working with him on notifying them when he needs to go since he has encopresis. Today, he told his teacher he forgot to get up and go to the bathroom.
He really wanted to sign up for boyscouts, so we have done that. I'm trying to use it in a positive manner so that he can be around other kids his age outside of school - but I'm afraid, terribly afraid of what is going to happen.
In regards to the ADHD diagnosis - I really don't think that this is the underlying reason for his behavior. It's more anger and defiance than anything else.
Unfortunately, hiring a baby sitter just so I can have alone time is not something that is feasible financially. The whole point of me moving closer to my family is because they knew that I needed a support system and help with him, but that has failed.
As for the anger management, I have done a plethora of things. We have done play therapy, we speak about how he was feeling when he was angry (he never seems to know - it's as if there's a switch that's abruptly turned off and on), we have done behavioral charts, sticker charts, taking things away, time out's, removing rewards, and awarding him for pleasantness. I always make it a point to comment on his good behavior and when he helps out. I think that this is crucial, but unfortunately those times are becoming less and less frequent.
In regards to working on other mental health things - we've always done a full circle of efforts and treatment: working on all of them for the best outcome. He was medicated at one point, but the one that worked best was over $200 per month after insurance. The others just made him a zombie which I do not believe is healthy. I really do not want to go down that path again. Also, his father denies medication even though our court paperwork states that he must give it to him.
Moving closer to his father is not an option. A) It was his father that moved out of state and B) I am not willing to separate myself from where I grew up.
In regards to picking my fights (I call them battles), this is something that i practice. The biggest issue use to be meals - now I don't even battle him over it. If he eats, he does - he won't starve himself.
As of earlier today, I have reached out for counseling for myself and for him with the goal of a wrap around technique. I actually lost it at work today - just started crying. I feel that I'm failing as a parent - not only for him but for myself. Whenever my son is not around, my emotions are balanced and I am happy. Whenever he is around, I'm the complete opposite. Dealing with him (yes, that is what it feels like at this point) literally makes me depressed. I've pretty much been crying for the past 24 hours. Then today, I get a phone call because he's had another bower movement in his pants at school. I am now required to provide extra clothing for him. The teachers have been working with him on notifying them when he needs to go since he has encopresis. Today, he told his teacher he forgot to get up and go to the bathroom.
He really wanted to sign up for boyscouts, so we have done that. I'm trying to use it in a positive manner so that he can be around other kids his age outside of school - but I'm afraid, terribly afraid of what is going to happen.
In regards to the ADHD diagnosis - I really don't think that this is the underlying reason for his behavior. It's more anger and defiance than anything else.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Besides all the other great recommendations. As I am sure you really know, ADHD kids are really hard to work with. Many times you have to "pick your fights" and let some things slide.
Here are two links to sites that have very good advice on working with your child.
http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_parenting_strategies.htm
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/879.html
Here are two links to sites that have very good advice on working with your child.
http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_parenting_strategies.htm
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/879.html
I agree with the other's thoughtful comments, and I'd like to suggest you try video feedback. It's an incredible tool in cases like this - so often people have no idea what they look like to others. I have a friend who is a head injury therapist, and she uses this as a tool to help her patients behave socially gracefully.
So here's how you do it. You have a talk early in the day - something like "I feel like you and I don't get along as well as we could and I know you're as unhappy about that as I am. We need to think of ways we can get along better together and make our home more pleasant and peaceful for both of us. So I'm going to put this video camera up in the kitchen during dinner, and later in the evening we'll watch the video and see what we think we can do to improve our relationship".
Then do it. Be positive. Be on the hunt for what the problem is and what solutions could be found.
Then an hour or so after dinner pop some pop corn and sit and watch the video WITHOUT ANY NEGATIVE COMMENTS AT ALL ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR. You can say stuff like wow it looks like you really loved the mashed potatoes, stuff like that. Ask HIM what he thinks in this situation would have made it a more pleasant dinner. If he says you could stop being such a jerk, you could be nicer, whatever, don't fire back. Just listen.
I think you'll be amazed.
So here's how you do it. You have a talk early in the day - something like "I feel like you and I don't get along as well as we could and I know you're as unhappy about that as I am. We need to think of ways we can get along better together and make our home more pleasant and peaceful for both of us. So I'm going to put this video camera up in the kitchen during dinner, and later in the evening we'll watch the video and see what we think we can do to improve our relationship".
Then do it. Be positive. Be on the hunt for what the problem is and what solutions could be found.
Then an hour or so after dinner pop some pop corn and sit and watch the video WITHOUT ANY NEGATIVE COMMENTS AT ALL ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR. You can say stuff like wow it looks like you really loved the mashed potatoes, stuff like that. Ask HIM what he thinks in this situation would have made it a more pleasant dinner. If he says you could stop being such a jerk, you could be nicer, whatever, don't fire back. Just listen.
I think you'll be amazed.
Hi there. Well, I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. single moms work harder than ANYONE out there. I'm tired and I'm a stay at home mom with a husband so can't imagine how tired you are!
I also parent an out of the box kid. My son has sensory integration disorder. In preschool, we had some very rough years. What was really key for us is the right diagnosis and treatment. It almost sounds like they have just thrown 'everything' at your son in terms of diagnosis but none of the treatment has been super effective. That is so unfortunate.
If I may ask, what kinds of things have they worked on for anger management? Have they worked on other mental health things besides just the add/adhd type of diagnosis? Things like anxiety and depression?
My son's sensory symptoms made him appear very defiant with a temper. He was in actuality trying to cope and needed things 'just so' so he could make it through the day. Understanding that and working on the root of the problem (the sensory problem) made that a lot better. But we also used anger management strategies to help him work through it in a more positive way.
I also get feeling judged. It's hard not to take things personally when it is our kid. And you might be a bit sensitive too. I know that I was always on high alert for any criticism or someone acting like my son was trouble. It hurt me for him. But I also understood. facing his teachers was hard for me because I wanted him to be perfect. I love him so that I wanted everyone to love him too! But reality in preschool was that he required more of their effort and patience. Hard position to be in as a mom. I, to this day even years later (my son is now 10), I send in a thank you card periodically with a small gift card in it to let them know I appreciate what they do for my son as he might need more from them. (He's now really done well after the right diagnosis and treatment to give you hope for the future!),
Our occupational therapist told us that one common thing happens when kids go to school. They 'hold it together' to get through their school day and then fall apart in their safe zone--- home. Not easy on a family or a mom. But indicative that he is working hard at school.
I agree that maybe a non relative caregiver would be helpful. They have sites that you can advertise (caregiver.com) that is a way to hook up with caregivers that would know up front that he may require some extra attention. Maybe a sitter every Saturday for 4 hours? Whatever works for your budget. You really do need to recharge your batteries.
Also, make a list of your child's positives. Read them frequently (add to them when you can) just to kind of keep your spirits up and not focus on the negatives. Sounds silly but I know when I'm stressed, I start to think of what is wrong and need to remind myself of what is good.
Any possibility to move closer to his dad if that is beneficial to split time with him in a better way?
I also parent an out of the box kid. My son has sensory integration disorder. In preschool, we had some very rough years. What was really key for us is the right diagnosis and treatment. It almost sounds like they have just thrown 'everything' at your son in terms of diagnosis but none of the treatment has been super effective. That is so unfortunate.
If I may ask, what kinds of things have they worked on for anger management? Have they worked on other mental health things besides just the add/adhd type of diagnosis? Things like anxiety and depression?
My son's sensory symptoms made him appear very defiant with a temper. He was in actuality trying to cope and needed things 'just so' so he could make it through the day. Understanding that and working on the root of the problem (the sensory problem) made that a lot better. But we also used anger management strategies to help him work through it in a more positive way.
I also get feeling judged. It's hard not to take things personally when it is our kid. And you might be a bit sensitive too. I know that I was always on high alert for any criticism or someone acting like my son was trouble. It hurt me for him. But I also understood. facing his teachers was hard for me because I wanted him to be perfect. I love him so that I wanted everyone to love him too! But reality in preschool was that he required more of their effort and patience. Hard position to be in as a mom. I, to this day even years later (my son is now 10), I send in a thank you card periodically with a small gift card in it to let them know I appreciate what they do for my son as he might need more from them. (He's now really done well after the right diagnosis and treatment to give you hope for the future!),
Our occupational therapist told us that one common thing happens when kids go to school. They 'hold it together' to get through their school day and then fall apart in their safe zone--- home. Not easy on a family or a mom. But indicative that he is working hard at school.
I agree that maybe a non relative caregiver would be helpful. They have sites that you can advertise (caregiver.com) that is a way to hook up with caregivers that would know up front that he may require some extra attention. Maybe a sitter every Saturday for 4 hours? Whatever works for your budget. You really do need to recharge your batteries.
Also, make a list of your child's positives. Read them frequently (add to them when you can) just to kind of keep your spirits up and not focus on the negatives. Sounds silly but I know when I'm stressed, I start to think of what is wrong and need to remind myself of what is good.
Any possibility to move closer to his dad if that is beneficial to split time with him in a better way?
Well, the bottom line is that you need some time for yourself. Everyone needs to take a break at times. There isn't anything wrong with this. As a matter of fact, it is emotionally and physically healthy to do.
Do you need to have your family babysit your child? Why not hire a non-relative babysitter?
Do you need to have your family babysit your child? Why not hire a non-relative babysitter?
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