HOw can I help my lonely teenage son?

[mimi128]

I hurt for my teenage son.  He is 17 years old and he will tell you "I know I'm not an average guy".  For his entire academic and social life, my son has been troubled with bullies and lacking in true friends.  My son has been diagnosed with high functioning Asperser’s a few year ago with the most evident symptom being his lack of appropriate social skills.  His lack of social skills easily has made him a target as other children see him as odd and annoying.  HE has always had to eat lunch alone and has often been made to move from a table by other kids.  No one ever calls or asks him to come over.  It breaks my heart for him.  I've intervened on many specific occasions of "bullying" with the school's support, but these interventions have not nor ever could totally shelter my son from his loneliness.  The cumulative result of all the years came to a head last Spring.  With the stress of school (he does have an IEP) and the obvious daily battle of enduring another day of LONELINESS....he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  He began to journal his feelings (very healthy I think); however he began having conversations about his feelings with "imaginary friends" in his journal.  When asked by our physician, our son informs us that he knows they are imaginary.  Over the summer, our son discovered the internet and "forums".  Although his opinions often open him up for "cyber bullying", he has found some "friends" online.  He began to want to dress in ALL BLACK clothes and refuses to wear anything else.  He told us prior to the beginning of this school year, that "if they don't get me, they don't get me"!  I guess this is a healthy attitude to have, but it breaks my heart.  All his teachers say he is doing fantastic this year, but I can't tell you how sad I am for him. He said the other day that he feels like he has to hang around the "Goths" despite disagreeing with them on some moral issues, because, "if I reject them, I'll have NO ONE".  Bless his heart.  He says he still has his imaginary friends and even draws pictures of them.  His doctor tells me that he is just being creative...but it does concern me.  I believe that he is SO LONELY that he has had to "create" his own circle of friends...even if they don't really exist.  This grieves me so much!  How can I help?  I'm his mother and we are very close...thank goodness.  HE is going away to a very small community college next fall........I pray he finds a least one other person that accepts him and does not judge him for being a little "different". He is a good boy!  Never gets in trouble at school!!  Someone told me that college may be different for my son.....as the trivial "high school" antics are not so easily accepted or tolerated....I PRAY this is true.  HE has a strong Christian faith.......I'm so glad he has his faith.  Please help us, help our son......to feel worthy, to feel an important part of this planet!  How can I help prepare him for college!  Guidance please!!

Mom to a LONELY boy!

[kortnieg]

To be totally honest with u it just seems as tho ur son is trying to find himself. I didn't have any friends till I switched to a bigger school then I had tons of friends but it took me awhile to find my place. The friends I made when I was 16 and moved to a different school r still my friends today. I don't think u need to worry so much ur son will find his place and find friends that make him happy. Every parent wants there kids to be well liked but it doesn't work that way. He'll get there don't worry

[dragonlover91]

i feel so sorry for him in a way as growing up i had no friends at school and was bullied 4 being different and only had a few friends at home but weren't really my friends as whenever we used to get together the 3 of us together we would fight and i would always be the 1 losing out as my friends would always take each others side then i moved and had no friends at all until i went to college and till this day real only have that 1 friend i met in college i know from experience its hard not having any friends as i grew up like that i find escaping into the world of video games/the internet helps i also have a great relationship with my parents and this is a good thing maybe if u think ur son is lonely like i know i am most of the time u should ask him if he would like to go places with u or maybe u should buy him some video games and tell him that he could makes some really good friends online i may only have 1 real friend but i have lots of friends online that are always comforting to have and talk to and play games with

i hope my story of my experience has helped u :)

[Cindy84]

Please, please seek help for your son. I don't want to scare you but,  teenage suicide is extremely high.  He needs to talk with someone or anyone that can understand what he is going through.  Sometimes getting in with the wrong crowd can be dangerous.  Not to say that the goth are bad but DO they connect with him on his level.  Or are they just playing with him.  Kids are so sneaky and mean sometimes.   You need to get involved.   Make sure he has a real PURE connection with someone, anyone.  He needs a positive enforcement other then you mom.  Friends are everything at this age and sometimes you make the wrong ones.      The right ones are around the corner you just have to help him look for them.
God bless you and your family
  

[mlg106]

It just breaks my heart when I hear things like this : ( I think that despite everything, just like everyone else said your son seems to have a very level head and is a very strong person not to let the stuff at school get him down. My personal opinion is that even tho you are hurting for him, he is the only one that can do anything to better his situation. You can't make people want to be your friends no matter how cool of a person you are, kids are mean. Plain and simple. It may just be the school he is in and if he has gone to this school with the same kids from k-12 he will always be the weird one to them. When I was a teenager I switched schools and I cannot tell you how different it turned out for me. I was very depressed and I would cry to my Mom all the time and tell her I didn't want to go, that was when we made the switch. It seems to me tho that he is doing fine other than being lonely and there are so many new and different people to meet in college that he shouldn't have a problem at all.
Just curious, do you go to church, you said he has a very strong faith, I know my husband was raised in a very christian household and he has many lasting friendships with the people that he went to church with and youth groups and christian conventions. Just a suggestion on that front because "church" people seem to be a little more understanding and friendly, at least his friends are very nice.
I wish I could help you more, just stay strong and pray and know that the Lord will get you and your son through these tough teenage years. I wish you both the best of luck!

[RockRose]

I think it's great that he has the Goth friends,  because that will give him the social skills and social "standing" to reach out to kids who are more like him.   As long as he has a crowd - and they are in fact not doing harmful stuff,  they're just kind of odd and dark - that's good.  From there,  he can branch out especially if he keeps his goth look to a minimum and keeps up his grades and keeps trying to reach out.

In the high school my kids go to,  he'd fit in with the Arts kids, and the drama kids.  With his drawing skills is he in art?  He should be able to find like minded kids there.  

I agree with you about the college experience.  In high school there probably are kids who would be his friends but they can't because then they'd be rejected too by the mainstream kids.  In college,  it isn't like that.   He'll be able to make connections.

[91004]

That is just the saddest story ever. High school is very hard and like the ohter post said it is getting alot worst a tread even putting my boys in school. I was thinking about private school but it goes on there to. College will be alot better for him and just think and something you mite be able to tell him those bullies are gonna have horrible jobs and he can look back later down the road and he will be succesful and the bullies will more than likely have nothing. Atleast that is how it was for me I see all the bullies from my school and they make minimum wage where all the smart kids and the ones that were bullied have awesome jobs and cars

[mom@homenow]

Hmmm... Your son sounds like a very bright and emotionally balanced person, in spite of the challenges that he has had. I agree with his doctor, do not worry about the imaginary friends. More people talk to themselves and/or invent people in their heads to entertain themselves when lonely than want to admit it. It is a coping mechanism and it's working for him. It sounds like he is doing well and not getting into trouble, not angry or overly depressed, and as long as you don't feel the online forums are turning him in a dangerous direction then let him continue. Wanting to wear black as a teenager is so normal, that wouldn't concern me at all. As for hanging around kids who don't share all his moral values, well, he seems to have the maturity and wisdom to keep his own values intact so if they accept him as he is then I don't see the harm in it. If you think, however, that they are pressuring him to do things he knows are wrong, then I would encourage him to dissociate from them.

It's valid for you to feel bad for him, but you must try very hard not to project those feelings to him, not to let him know you feel sorry for him. It might make him feel worse, that he is not able to live up to what you think he should be. You say he's been "different" the whole way through, and bullied, and to be honest with you I think he is to be commended for continuing to go to school and having good grades and good behavior. It takes a strong individual to not be crushed under those circumstances and that is to his credit and yours as well, as a supportive parent. Keep in mind, too, that this is the only life he's ever known and so a close friendship does not mean to him the same thing it means to you. You cannot miss what you've never known.

That said, it would of course be best if he could have friendship in a group of people that is tangible rather than online. College is indeed a very different environment than high school and I agree he may find a group there to hang around with. Other ideas: Do you live near a large town or city where there might be Asperger's support groups? Call the health department to start a search. Or does he have any extra curricular interests that he could attend activities for? He is old enough that he could attend both student groups or adult groups, and he might find greater acceptance and allies in an adult group. Community theaters or other "artsy" type groups tend to be accepting of people who are different. You say he likes to draw his imaginary friends... maybe he would like art classes or to volunteer in a local art gallery or museum? The idea is to get him out into the community in venues where he feels comfortable, because you never know where you will find a friend.

[margypops]

Bullying in schools is a big problem and I was listening to a radio show yesterday and very often the schools dont deal very well with it either and in fact ignore a lot of what is going on. They did say the bullied child has to stand up for him self and not let the bullying happen, I know if there is a few of them that is hard,he would be best hanging out with firends,at least you get the schools support,maybe you are over worrying for him, let him know he can talk to you and his Dad and that is the best thing as very often kids done speak to their parents and deal with their upset alone.Try to have a positive attitude around him and focus on his positive side,I understand how you feel , we all want to protect our children from being hurt.