8 year old-Lying

My 8 year old son will be 9 next month and for the last year or so has increasingly been trying to see how far he can get in lying about dumb things. His overall attitude is loving and he wants to be with family a lot, and we try over and over again, never giving up on trying to make it work, but then he gets in trouble almost every time we are all together, and it ruins it for everyone! He in trouble almost constantly at home and only for occasional talking at school, mostly because all of our attention is focused on him here and I call him out on it if I think he is lying, by asking, testing, then telling him I will check, then checking on the facts of the matter. During these "steps" of making sure he is not lying, he used to break down somewhere along the line if he was lying and admit it. Now, he just goes beyond this, will not admit it at all and you really just have to catch him and tell him you know he's lying and punish him whether he admits it or not, and by that point, he is getting grounded and probably spanked.

Today: He came home from his soccer game around 1:00pm and I asked him if he was hungry for lunch. He thought about it a second and he said no. I decided that we should go out to get our pumpkins for Halloween. At 1:10 we drove by a Chick-Filet and my husband says "I don't know about anyone else, but I want a spicy chicken sandwich!" and makes the turn into the parking lot. My son says "Oh Yeah!" and smiled. I called him out on the fact that he just told me that he wasn't hungry, when the healthy (and free!) lunch was offered to him at home. I don't expect much out of him, but we went through this scenario last month as well, when at that time he took a bite of his healthier lunch and said he was full, we had to throw the rest of the lunch away and go ride with my friend to the store. My friend hadn't eaten and pulled into the McDonald's, and not knowing any better offered to buy my son a cheeseburger which he said he wanted and I called him out then as well and did not allow him to have one (looking like a mean parent). He got a long lecture about healthy food vs. junk, and not being wasteful. Back to today-after I called him out and said that he should remember what happened last time, I told him he wouldn't be getting anything from Chick-Filet. He claimed "I didn't mean that I wanted one." (lie) I repeated what everyone just said back to him, to clarify and said "I think that is a lie, do you want to admit that?" He then says "I am telling the truth, I promise!" (lie) My husband says, "So if Mom didn't say anything, I would have ordered you a sandwich and you would have given it back and said "I didn't actually mean that I wanted one"." He replies "Yes." (lie) I get mad, try to press him to admit the truth before it gets ugly, and he just tries more and more to claim that he didn't really want one. In the end, i'm yelling and he's crying and finally admits after lying no less than 6! more  times to us, that he didn't want to get in trouble for wanting the sandwich! I would have corrected him about it and that's it! I tried to get him to see how much more trouble he was in for lying over and over to us multiple times. This is the kind of scenario that happens over and over again when it comes to chores, things at school whatever...

I just want him to stop! We have LONG conversations whenever he gets into trouble where we go step by step over what he did, what happened, what should have happened, where I try to guide him into thinking logically so he chooses not to lie. When he gets in trouble the only thing that makes him upset is taking away TV and going outside with friends to play. He never sees the point, or how to stay out of trouble!

[margypops]

Sorry but I have to say one thing then leave it to others , I am shocked by the way you are treating this child and what in my opinion amounts to mind games ... now I will back off .

[AG2012]

I am confused by what you are referring to as a mind game. Could you please clarify exactly what part this is?

[specialmom]

ugh.  Your example of chick filet is ridiculous.  Sorry to be so blunt.  Your "calling him out" and such . . . well-----------  gosh, I get real hungry whenever I drive by McDonalds.  Cut this kid some slack.  He's "lying" because he said he wasn't hungry at home and then when dad suggests something yummy, he says yes, he's hungry?  Is this your step son or something that you don't like much?

He got in trouble for wanting a chicken sandwich??????  Really??????   Quite frankly I think you are the one ruining your family outings.

[AG2012]

Ok, so in other words, you simply disagree with the parenting style, where lying and being wasteful are strongly discouraged, and eating healthy is encouraged. Secondly, if you will reread, he was not in trouble for wanting the sandwich, that was corrected simply by reminding him of a similar situation and letting him know that he would not be getting one, What the issue was, was lying about wanting it...a dumb lie, but a lie all the same. Thanks for your input all the same but please read the details before going off the handle emotionally.

[AG2012]

BTW-I would like to add that he was NOT spanked for this incident but once again-lectured about just telling the truth. There was no reason to not just say (in his own words of course) "I forgot I told you I wasn't hungry" I understood he wanted the sandwich. No one blames him for that. Only for the lying trying to make it seem as if he did not want it.

I am sure that if you are even parents or when you were there was at least one characteristic that your children displayed at some point in time that you did not know exactly how to handle. Everyone does the best they can with kids. The name of the game is consistency when trying to correct a behavior, and so that is what we do in our house.

[specialmom]

I read every word of your post.  You are creating issues for your family and I think you will pay for it down the road when your son does not trust YOU.  

[specialmom]

So, whew.  I am having a very bad reaction to your post and parenting style.  I'm going to take it down a notch and just suggest a book called "Love and Logic" by Charles Fey.  It goes through the concept of natural consequences to help with issues we have with our children and you won't have to lecture the poor kid until you are blue in the face (about thinking a burger is better than your healthy lunch.).  

And the lying to make it seem like he did not want it to you might be because he doesn't want another full day of you lecturing . . .  he's protecting himself from it.  

Parenting is hard.  That is very true.  Read that book and see what you think.  good luck

[teko]

Having raised 6 kids and gone thru similar situations myself and at a time when food was scarce, I do know how frustrating situations like this can get. With that said and having the value of hindsite being 20/20, I will share with you what I learned as it might save you, the child and everyone around a lot of frustration. First of all. Choose your battles. This one is simply not worth the anguish it is causing. A child will generally say he is not hungry, if it is something that does not strike his appetite or he simply doesnt want it for any given reason. Secondly, I do not know a child that will not jump at the chance to eat out and get the good stuff he is not allowed to have on a regular basis because you are trying to stress good eating habits. He is getting way to much attention as a result of this annoyance. Ignore it! He will not starve and will pretty much eat what he wants. As annoying as this is, it is totally normal and the best thing to do is forget it, there will be much bigger issues in a few years so enjoy these pre puberty times and allow them to be kids. You will have better memories and so will he. If you are at home and he wastes his food, pitch it and no more till the next meal is reasonable, however if away from the home, in a case like mcdonalds and he is offered, no big deal, but enforce it when in the home.  

[specialmom]

Teko, that is what I meant to say!  good advice.