4 yr old behaviour problems

[MrsBMW2]

I have a 4.5 year old step daughter that is an absolute delight. She was born to parents who were not together, so she has always known her Dad and I as mom and dad and her biomom as mom.
She has always had a bit of a defiant streak to her, but is a naturally sweet child. Recently she has stopped listening a LOT of the time. She will be told to stop something, but continues right on doing it. Her teachers at school have had a lot of problems with her recently with her looking right at them and continuing her disruptive behaviour.
I do know that this is quite normal for a lot of kids - but our BIG problem is that she really has no sense of remorse for her actions.
Today at school she pushed a child over and hurt him and just looked at him crying and said 'Sorry' and walked away to play with someone else.
This is a common reaction for her - she dosen't seem to care about what her actions do to others or what the concequences will be. We have all been consistant with her time outs, taking toys away, taking privilages away, etc... and it is just NOT working.
What can we do???

[MrsBMW2]

Thank you so much for your suggestions!

It has been a real problem lately :( The poor little thing KNOWS why she is getting in trouble and she just doesn't seem to know what to do next.
It's like she is very mechanical about it. She looks at you says "I'm sorry", "Yes I know what I did wrong", "I promise not to do it again" and then turns around and does it again.

Last night was a very bad night. We sat her in the corner for about 10 min because of the really bad day she had at school. She sat there and didn't say a word. Then as soon as it was done, it was like nothing had even happened.

What we have been doing lately is if she has a bad day at school, we talk about it when she gets home and then let it go. We try to reward her for everything she is doing good - but still the problem continue.

The thing that is scaring me the most is her absolutle detachment from any sort of punishment. I am literaly afarid that there is something not right in her brain that is causing this 'blankness' in her. She does not understand the concept at all of when her parents are angry. It's almost like when she sees us angry, she tries to make us laugh, which in turn just makes us more angry.

I don't know what to do anymore. We are all at a complete loss :(

[benjimom]

This is a tough one.  I would just make sure everyone is consistent.  Some children are what I call "spirited" and no one understands what it is like to have one until they have one.  I think specialmom has some good suggestions.  

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, first of all.  Good job making this a positive situation for you all as it sounds like you all get along for the sake of this little girl.  Does she live with you?  How is her time split between you and bio mom?  Have there been any changes recently such as bio mom getting a new boyfriend, a move or anything like that?

Without the above information, I would say that I would try to switch things up.  She sounds smart and I'd work with that.  I'd switch it to a positive system of recognizing what you want her to do.  Try something like beans in a jar for doing as you ask, noticing when she does the right thing, when she is your helper, etc.  When she gets to a certain number of beans in the jar, she gets to pick an activity of her choosing.  Or you could go the coin route----------  she earns a coin for the things I just mentioned to put in her  piggy bank and when it is full---------  make a big deal of counting the money.  She gets to spend half and the other half is for the real bank to save.  (or you could do thirds--------  spend a third, save a third, give a third).  It is amazing what my two boys will do for a few coins (they are just turned 5 a couple of days ago and 6).  

I think I'd work in terms of natural consequences.  If she knocks someone down--------  she is to help him up, she is to put what was in his hand back in it, she is to fix the problem.  If she throws a toy, she loses the toy.  If she yells, no one responds until she stops yelling.  

At school, I'd give her choices.  The teacher (and you at home) control the choices-----  so it is not like she is getting her way.

As to the emotion.  That is a tricky one.  Hopefully it will come naturally.  She maybe has two different sets of rules and hence, does not take any seriously.  good luck