8 yr old sleeping and hygiene issues

[melissagoldie]

I have an 8 yr old step daughter that I am concerned about. She is a good girl, very smart, and loving. A little background...she lives primarily with her mother and stays with her dad and me during the weekends. Her mother is very neglectful, such as not having her brush her teeth, bathe all week, eat good meals, and does not provide discapline. When she is with us, we provide all those things and more. She has her own room with us but sleeps with her mother (even though she has her own room there). So here's the issue, for over 9 months she slept in her own room with us with absolutely no issues. She had issues at first which is understandable since she had never had her own room. After about a month she settled down and would sleep through the night in her own room. Starting about 3 months ago, she gets out of bed several times a night to wake up her father saying that she can't sleep (excuses being bad dreams, bad thoughts while she is awake, too hot, too cold, too dark, to much light from her night light, ect). We have tried talking to her, punishing her by taking away priviledges, and anything else we can think of. Her mother blames is on her father for letting her watch certain tv shows, not allowing her to sleep upstairs with us, etc. I am at my witts end!!! I can't lay down the law since I am not her mother and its ultimately her father that needs to do it, but any suggestion would help. Also she won't take care of herself. At eight years old she should know that she needs to brush her teeth and bathe regularly since we have had many conversations about it and underestands exactly what we are telling her. We find poop in her underwear because she doesn't wipe well and will also ask her mother to wipe for her when she is at home. Is there anyway to correct these behaviors with the child despite her mother's lack of concern?

[Rutter589]

My 10 year old daughter  has the problem of not properly wiping herself after going to the bathroom.  Thus, she has more then "skid Marks ". Her mother states after I brought this to her attention.  That it is due to her diet at my home. ( Well balanced ! not fried! )  We have litterly had to throw out three pairs of underwear of hers due to the poop in them. I have tried my best to be a tactfull daddy, and informed her that it doesnt matter how much T.P. she uses.  Just make sure she is clean.  Hygene is a big deal with me against my EX. And it comes down to me taking pictures of our daughters outfit and hands and toe nails when I pick her up. is there something else I need to be aware of or be looking out for?   I have a child counslor for her for issues in the past.  should I see about having her start sessions again?

[melissaj]

Ok so This is totally out of the blue, but I have read everything and my thought on it, is that bio mom is doing this to controlt he dad. It seems as though she doesn;t really want to raise the child, and this is proven by her not bathing, teaching the child personal hygiene, etc. It is obvious that she doesn;t want to mother the child. However, lets her do whatever she wants, doesn;t have to brush teeth, sleeps in the bed with her. So she gets to be the "favorite" parent. Hey what a nice, guaranteed control over the other parent? Becasue the minute there is discipline.. its " Mommy doesn't make me do it". " I want ot go home to Mommy". "I like Mommy's house better", etc. And I know this because I have dealt with it. My kids prefer to be at their dads.. becuase there is no discipline there. How do you take that control back, without giving into manipulative games, and still stand your ground? I have no idea.

[koukla29]

I think you and Michigan Mom have a lot in common in the situations you are dealing with.

[koukla29]

I think you are right to step back from the situation and let dad take control.  Sounds strange that mom wants her to sleep in the same bed.  Usually, at least the adults want some privacy.  

[melissagoldie]

He and I have talked numerous times about what happens with his daughter. He has talked to her mother several times about but nothing ever changes. She sleeps with mom in the same bed with no sign of it stopping. She actually thinks its unreasonable that we make her sleep in her OWN room and that we should be more understanding. However at the age of 8, developementally she should be sleeping through the night in her own bed with no issues. I have called child protective services and they told me that it was neglect but that there was no enough complaints to do anything about it. i am trying to step back and let him deal with it, though mainly because he and I differ on opinions when it comes to how to handle it. When it comes down to it, its his decision so i'm not going to torture myself. Mom isn't going thru any difficult time, its a combination of laziness and stupidity in my opinion. she lets her go out in summer dresses in 20 degree weather because she says that at the age of 5,6, etc she is her own person and can make her own decision. she doesn't respect mom, she hits her and screams at her. she tries to throw fits with us because she gets away with it all week but it doesn't work here. However dad is a little more lenient then i would be. she has no structure during the week and as she gets older its going to get worse. i keep telling him that he is going to have to be a little more strict to try and instill the things he wants since he only has her during the weekend.

[koukla29]

If you and your husband feel that the hygene is that bad, and are concerned that your stepdaughter is not recieving proper care from her mother, you could file for custody.  What you are describing sounds like child neglect.  If you feel mom is neglecting her, you can call child protective services on mom.  In addition, I think that hygene should be enforced by her parents.  She is old enough to take care of her body.  I think you should discuss this in more depth with your husband.  In addition, what are the living conditions for mom?  Why does this little girl sleep with mom in same bed?  Is this temporary?  Is mom going through a difficult time?  Are there any other siblings?  How does your husband feel about this situation?

[Michigan mom]

I can feel you on this.  I have a soon to be 7 year old step son that we get on weekends.  His mother is the same way as far as not giving him a bath all week, not eating good meals or disciplining him.   My husband feels he needs ot be his friend cause he feels guilty, me on the other hand having an 11 month old and knowning how I want to raise her and don't want them to have different sets of rules.  It's hard to sit back and let the biological parent discipline when you know what is right or wrong.  I have been told to sit back and do nothing when it comes to my step sons eating habits and behavioral habits.  Because you can't change something that he/she does Monday-Friday.  It's hard to make them understand that on the weekends when they are with dad and step mom there is one set of rules vs being at their mothers house.  I have talked to my husband about my concerns and he told me it's up to him and my step son's mother.  I told him we all need to sit down and address the issue and let her know what the rules our at our house and where we are coming from.  He doesn't want to because he doesn't want to cause any problems between the ex (not wife) and himself.  It seems like she is treated like a baby at her mothers house and gets what she wants exactly like my step son.  It's going to be very hard to change her habits just on weekends.  See if your husband will address the issue with his ex and go from there.  It is very hard being a step parent knowning what is right vs. wrong and being able to do nothing about it.