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91/2 yr old son wont sleep in his bed
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91/2 yr old son wont sleep in his bed

My son will simply not sleep in his bed.  He wants to sleep on the couch or in my bed.  Last night he slept on the floor by my bed because I told him he could not sleep with me.  He tries to go to sleep in his bed, but during the day makes comments about not being able to and fearing that he will not be able to sleep in his bed.  I have reasoned with him, taught him relaxing techniques, begged, threatened and even pleaded for him to just stop...the other night I sat in a chair in his room, and within 5 minutes he was asleep.  Last night I laid in his bed for 15 minutes or so but he still did not fall asleep.  I am at a loss, if he sleeps in my bed or on the couch he sleeps fine...but he will not (can not?) sleep in his own bed in his own room?  And he gets himself so worked up about this that it affects him during the day...he gets sad when he thinks about it and gets bummed out.   We had him on Concerta for ADD for about a year with no problems,  but then we took him off of it because he would start to cry for no reason and and had started having sleep problems...he would not get to sleep until 2-3 in the morning, but would sleep in his bed...after we took him off the meds, he started sleeping good for about 5 weeks...now he wont sleep in his bed at all!!!  Help!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
My nine-year old daughter has always slept with me. She gets a better sleep and so do I. If she wakes up with a nightmare she goes right back to sleep because I am right there beside her and I don't have to get out of bed. I think it's just natural for most kids to not be able to sleep alone. Don't worry about pressure from other people. They don't have your child.
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635583_tn?1222782896
Just got back from my Grandsons doctor.   While there, my daughter asked the question posted here, His replay was that the cuttoff age for sleeping with the mother or parents is about 6 years old.

The child should be put into his/her own bed.  IF THEY FUSS, a parent should setup a sleeping blanket or a cott next to the childs bed, to assure them that they are safe and when they fall asleep, the parents should go back to their own room.  He stated that, this usually will go on for only a week or two.  By then the child should feel safe sleeping in their own room.  Once in a while you may have to repeat this only if the child is scared or having bad dreams.

So there you are girls.   Time to break that apron string and let you child grow up

BTW:  His doctor has 6 kids of his own.
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Avatar_n_tn
you should give him a dream catcher.
native americans believed that dream catchers would catch bad dreams if he has bad dreams. but if he just cant sleep, give him a night light and tell him that you are going to be right in the next room. leave his door open with a hallway light on.  refuse to sleep with him and tell him that he is old enough to sleep alone.   tell him that his friends probably sleep alone and he is going to be like a bull in a china shop if he doesnt sleep alone.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have an 8 yr old that has slept in our bed since she was 3, we also have a bed in our room that I try to get her to sleep in.  At 8 though my main concern (besides my lack of sleep when she is in our bed) is that by her sleeping with us that it is fostering co-dependence.  What I mean by that is that when she gets older, teenage or young adult, she might not be able to function on her own.  I know a lady that her daughter slept in the parents room until they were 9 and when they "grew up" they had a hard time adjusting to adult life such as keeping a job etc.  I won't even tell anyone I know personally that this is still going on so I don't have to deal with what people think.  Do you have any concerns like that?
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Avatar_f_tn
My husband is from India, and they slept together as a family.  I remember crawling dowing the hall wanting to be next to my mom and sleeping next to her bed. We both are highly educated and have excellent jobs.
My 9 year old son slept with me every night in my bed until he started school at 6.  Then we went to okay on the weekends.   Now, it is the same every night- He still goes to sleep with me every night, whether his room or mine (I will move him over after he is asleep). But  I talk to him about his day and we talk about something positive before going to sleep.  He sometimes comes in to my room around 4 or 5 in the morning and crawls in at the foot.  My 3 year old sleeps with me now too.  We will do the same thing.  Eventually they will grow out of it.  They are only young once; so, enjoy them.  One day they won't want anything to do with you- they will want their privacy!  Just because they sleep with you doesnt make them codependent.  Make sure they are dependent in every other way, and go ahead and snuggle a bit at night.  They will be fine!  
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1603628_tn?1297743558
I would see what is bothering him about his own bed it could have been a nightmare or something else that is bothering him find out what it is spacificly that bothers him about his own bed. Once you figure that out then you can find out a soloution. Try asking him but not when its bedtime, bedtime scares him by the sound of it. its not going to be easy but stick with it and never get angry at him. it might be as simple as you have to check the closet and under the bed, or have a night light. but its not always that simple.. it might be more complex then that but you will never know untill you ask him what bothers him about his bed.
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Avatar_f_tn
I love the idea of the family bed.  When I was raising my children over 30 years ago, there was a wonderful book with that title - The Family Bed.  My children slept with us whenever they needed to or they slept together.  We have two girls and one son.  At one point, when they were very young, they all slept together in one double bed and loved it!  They outgrow it soon enough and become normal, well-adjusted adults....my children are 35, 32 and 30, all well educated and well adjusted.  My husband and I look back on those days as the best days of our lives...The family bed is a wonderful thing.
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Avatar_m_tn
i have the same problem well for me its a problem my daughter has been sleeping with me since she was born now i have a fiance and when i talk to my daughtyer about sleeping alone she freeks out and my fiance wants me in bed with him help?
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535822_tn?1417529476
How old is your daughter? The problem here lies in the fact that you BF is not your childs father so its a bit different , and although like others here I agree the family bed is okay its difficult when a 'stranger ' comes along .for me I wouldn't do it, You have to get your daughter a bed /room of her own and maybe coax her in to staying there to sleep, it may take a little longer but it can be done .Make the room exciting for her, again you didnt tell us the age but nice decoration, nice bed, positive encouragement, books, perhaps a night light . Reading happy stories before she sleeps , music ..if the bf is going to be long term after a while he could read stories to her making you all a unit.
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Avatar_f_tn
To:  Answer21

I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with you at all!  This child obviously has some fears, and anxiety about being away from his Mother!  I think that you are way off base with your rigid answer to this!  You also need to educate yourself on making your children feel much more secure, rather then forcing them to do something that will not soothe their psyche at all.    

I personally think that if this lady's son just won't sleep in his own room, then he's not ready to!  He must be feeling a lot of anxiety over this, so, I say, "let him sleep with you, Mom!"  If that is making your child feel secure, and he get's a great nights sleep knowing he is near you Mom .. then why not?  As he get's older, and more independent then he will most likely feel more comfortable sleeping in his own bed!  I just wouldn't force it right now!  

You need to read articles about the Family Bed, and the security of your child, and how they need to be near you!  

Here is a link that may interest you!  
http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/five-benefits-cosleeping/

Some people co-sleep with their children at age 11.  I think you need to do whatever it takes to make your child completely comfortable, and secure!  He may have some fears, and right now he needs you!  Look at how incredibly comfortable he sleeps when he is near you, Mom!  

You said that he slept easily when you stayed with him in the chair, have you tried that again?  

Anyway, I think you need to make your son feel secure, and if that security comes from naturally co-sleeping for awhile, then obviously he needs that right now!  
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi Brooklynmelanie,

When I was younger and my 4 year old daughter slept with me everynight, I also became engaged, and he also wanted my daughter out of my bed, as he also wanted me to himself!  Understandably so!

I made a huge mistake by ever letting him come between me and my childs security!  It took her 15 times of taking her and putting her in her own bed, screaming!  Then he finally locked my bedroom door so she couldn't come in.  It was awful, and I will never forget the anxiety that this placed on her!  I unlocked the door, and held her, but I feel the horrible guilt of it to this day!  I feel now, that he really should have been much more understanding of my bonding relationship with my daughter at that time!

What I will suggest is let her cuddle with you on your side of the bed .. away from him!  He is not her father!  Let her sleep next to you and the wall .. not in the middle between the two of you, as the co-sleeping is already creating problems for him, and between the two of you .. he shouldn't have a problem with this!  I would let her sleep with you as she always has!  Remember that he is the new person in your life, and she didn't ask for her world to be turned upside down by this!   She will look at him resentfully as he takes Mommy away from her!  She didn't ask to be put into this position, not to have him in her life!  Your daughter is your number ONE priority here, NOT your fiancé!  I would let her cuddle, and fall asleep with you as always, and if your fiancé wants cuddle time with you, then once your daughter falls asleep, then put her in her own bed.  Try seeing how this works when she wakes up in the morning, or bring her back in with you later!  Your daughter's sense of security is the most important concern right now, and your fiancé really needs to understand that!

Having been where you are, I would have done things totally different!  I would have cuddled her, and when she fell asleep, either kept her with me, or if future hubby wanted romance time .. let her fall asleep and then put her in her own bed!  I probably would have brought her back in with me later though, as this was our way of life long before he came along .. and her security with me!  I made a big mistake!  

If she falls asleep, and is perfectly content in her own bed when she wakes up in the morning, then that is a whole different solution for you!  But if she wakes up crying in the night when she realizes you aren't there .. then I would bring her back!  Kids are too precious not to have their Mom right there, and they grow up way too fast!  This will all pass!

In the end, it's a personal choice, and it's your choice!  Best of Luck to you :)
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