6 1/2 y.o. girl angry? attitude? sassy!

[kitten217]

Let me begin at the very first tantrum,anger outburst and backround.  She was maybe 4weeks old. Screaming,throwing her little body out (arms, legs) and more screaming. This came into her 1-2 y.o. phase. Screaming and throwing her self out on the floor or if anyone picked her up to hold her she would throw her back in an arch. This now turned into back talk, smacking, and kicking doors, screaming still and crying over EVERYTHING.
My dauhgter is well taken care of. She is very healthy, is exceptionally intelligent, and gets along with almost everybody. She has no problems being well behaved and respectfull to adults. I have always been told she is the best child to care for and/or most helpful.....ect....you get the picture.
Here is my problem. She has a sassy mouth on her to no end when we are at home. (It's only her and I, dad is a evry other weekend parent with 2 step children) She will "test the waters" from morning till night no matter what. Her big thing is she will scream at the top of her lungs if I tell her to do something. Sometimes it's as simple as wanting to zip up her dress for school. I've tried the calm approach "don't talk to me unless it's nice" " that's very rude to scream at your mommy" to grounding her to sending her to her room....you name it I've tried it.
Her behavior towards me is taking it's toll. I'm stressed to the point with her I want to cry and my jaw hurts so bad from clenching my teeth.
I need help. Is this normal? Is there a book for this? Am I the only one? Am I doing everything I can for her?
I'm completely exhausted from dealing with her outbursts and crying.
She has chores she does, she is in structured events such as dance classes, she has a routine she follows.
What gives?

[SuziB]

There are TV programmes here called Nanny 911 and Supernanny. She deals with kids behaving just as you describe. She has a lot of success with 'the naughty step/chair/mat', positive reinforcement in the form of rewards for good behaviour plus some family rules which must be adhered to. I'm sure there will be books or DVDs of the same name. It sounds like you are already putting a lot of effort into parenting but it isn't so easy when you are doing one thing and your ex might not be on the same page. Maybe get together with him and see if you can make sure that you are both saying the same things to your daughter. The nanny on the programme is absolutely insistent that her rules are followed, which is hard when you are trying to get organised and you have a beligerant child pushing your buttons but it seems to work!

[RockRose]

Obviously she can completely control this behavior because she only does it to you and her dad - apparently at school she is completely controlled and cooperative,  and the same at friend's houses and out in public.

It sounds like it's a huge effort for her to maintain at school,  and she's bursting with anxiety and rage,  and you get to experience it.    Is she driven to succeed and excel?