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Possessiveness?
I have a 10 year old niece named Abigail and she's very...possessive?
I'm not sure how to describe it. But, she has a babysitter, a very, very kind babysitter who's good to her, but when she was a little younger, Abigail hated her. Just HATED her. If her babysitter told her to do something, or scolded her, Abigail said, "This is my house! You don't control what I do here! I live here, it's my Papa's house and he can kick you out if I want him to!" She says it very, very forcefully, then it looks like she starts to tear up, but she's also very angry.
Once, her babysitter scolded Abigail for using a bad word (Abigail said crap, but we discourage her saying it). Abigail got VERY defensive and said, "I hate you! You can't control me in my own house! You don't live here, I do! My brother will beat you up and then you'll never come back!" Her brother is 6'11, so Abigail uses him as a threat.
Abigail hit her brother, so her dad took her toy laptop from her, and Abigail snapped at him saying, "My papa bought that for me! You can't just take it! He got it for ME! It's not yours! Only he could take it away from me!" Also, if her papa (grandpa) isn't home with her, she cries until he comes back because she misses him.
With her older brother, Abigail somewhat likes him, but she snaps at him too. If he torments her (he's actually her half brother) Abigail says to him, "My dad will kill you! He'll beat you up so hard!" and she cries so badly. She just gets so mad.
Now, Abigail is 9, and she told me that in school, her best friend scratched her with her fingernail, and she got very mad. Then Abigail apparently got right up in her face and her friend smacked her arm and said "DON'T TOUCH ME" and this made Abigail VERY angry that someone would try to take her on like that. Abigail said she felt like punching the child in the face, then repeatedly kicking her "so bad". She also said she got so "pissed off" that she wanted to wrap her hands around the girl's neck and choke her to death.
I'm concerned about this behavior. What do I do?
Abigail lives with me. (Her parents died in a car wreck about a year ago.)
I'm not sure how to describe it. But, she has a babysitter, a very, very kind babysitter who's good to her, but when she was a little younger, Abigail hated her. Just HATED her. If her babysitter told her to do something, or scolded her, Abigail said, "This is my house! You don't control what I do here! I live here, it's my Papa's house and he can kick you out if I want him to!" She says it very, very forcefully, then it looks like she starts to tear up, but she's also very angry.
Once, her babysitter scolded Abigail for using a bad word (Abigail said crap, but we discourage her saying it). Abigail got VERY defensive and said, "I hate you! You can't control me in my own house! You don't live here, I do! My brother will beat you up and then you'll never come back!" Her brother is 6'11, so Abigail uses him as a threat.
Abigail hit her brother, so her dad took her toy laptop from her, and Abigail snapped at him saying, "My papa bought that for me! You can't just take it! He got it for ME! It's not yours! Only he could take it away from me!" Also, if her papa (grandpa) isn't home with her, she cries until he comes back because she misses him.
With her older brother, Abigail somewhat likes him, but she snaps at him too. If he torments her (he's actually her half brother) Abigail says to him, "My dad will kill you! He'll beat you up so hard!" and she cries so badly. She just gets so mad.
Now, Abigail is 9, and she told me that in school, her best friend scratched her with her fingernail, and she got very mad. Then Abigail apparently got right up in her face and her friend smacked her arm and said "DON'T TOUCH ME" and this made Abigail VERY angry that someone would try to take her on like that. Abigail said she felt like punching the child in the face, then repeatedly kicking her "so bad". She also said she got so "pissed off" that she wanted to wrap her hands around the girl's neck and choke her to death.
I'm concerned about this behavior. What do I do?
Abigail lives with me. (Her parents died in a car wreck about a year ago.)
Just remembered one of my techniques for handling tantrums. I become stone deaf. Sometimes I walk out of the room. The child becomes invisible. Her abuse has no target. Improvement follows, but be patient. If you feel this is a good suggestion get the sitter to cooperate so that there is no break in the discipline.
What do you do when Abigail mistreats the babysitter? Have you ever told Abigail, in the presence of the babysitter, that when you are not home she is to obey the sitter? I gather that your niece behaved badly even before her parents were killed, so this nothing new. She may well be a younger version of her parents.
Of course, I wouldn't have dared let her go into the foster system. Ughh. No.
Her stepbrother is over 20 years old. He was from her mom's previous marriage, so Abigail has known him for all of her life. But he'd mostly just tease her a bit, but the thing that mainly made her mad about him was that he always called her grandpa horrible names and Abigail LOVES her grandpa to bits. And no divorce was ever in her life. I was horrified that Abigail was dead serious about grabbing her friend's neck and choking her until she died. Her other brother (who is 11) also lives with me, and he's pretty hotheaded too. Her mom and dad were both a little hotheaded, mainly her dad. But nothing too horrible.
I'm also concerned that she's so possessive of her grandpa (I left this out before, so I apologize). She hates when other children go for her grandpa's attention, especially the neighbors kids and some of her cousins. She just loves her grandpa so much and she only seems fully happy when she's with her grandpa. She goes to his house everyday (he lives right next door), and he gives her cookies and he reads books to her, they watch Tv, they play with his Labrador Retriever, he takes her for rides around town, she helps clean his house, they watch movies, etc. Abigail's brother isn't that close with him though, but when he goes for his grandpa's attention too, Abigail doesn't seem to mind much because she doesn't see him as a threat that would take her away from being Grandpa's "favorite".
I don't know if they just have a close bond, or Abigail is just being possessive over one of the last things that might help her remember her mom. I mean, her grandpa is 83yrs. old and had cancer, so he's probably not going to stick it out too much longer. I just want to sort of...loosen their bond so she won't be emotionally messed up (anymore than she must already be) when he passes. She loves her grandma too, but Grandpa is always #1 to her.
And @margypops, No, she only watches G-PG tv, and I moniter everything she does on the internet. Her school is a very nice school, the kids are nice for the most part, so I don't think she picked the behavior up from anywhere.
Her stepbrother is over 20 years old. He was from her mom's previous marriage, so Abigail has known him for all of her life. But he'd mostly just tease her a bit, but the thing that mainly made her mad about him was that he always called her grandpa horrible names and Abigail LOVES her grandpa to bits. And no divorce was ever in her life. I was horrified that Abigail was dead serious about grabbing her friend's neck and choking her until she died. Her other brother (who is 11) also lives with me, and he's pretty hotheaded too. Her mom and dad were both a little hotheaded, mainly her dad. But nothing too horrible.
I'm also concerned that she's so possessive of her grandpa (I left this out before, so I apologize). She hates when other children go for her grandpa's attention, especially the neighbors kids and some of her cousins. She just loves her grandpa so much and she only seems fully happy when she's with her grandpa. She goes to his house everyday (he lives right next door), and he gives her cookies and he reads books to her, they watch Tv, they play with his Labrador Retriever, he takes her for rides around town, she helps clean his house, they watch movies, etc. Abigail's brother isn't that close with him though, but when he goes for his grandpa's attention too, Abigail doesn't seem to mind much because she doesn't see him as a threat that would take her away from being Grandpa's "favorite".
I don't know if they just have a close bond, or Abigail is just being possessive over one of the last things that might help her remember her mom. I mean, her grandpa is 83yrs. old and had cancer, so he's probably not going to stick it out too much longer. I just want to sort of...loosen their bond so she won't be emotionally messed up (anymore than she must already be) when he passes. She loves her grandma too, but Grandpa is always #1 to her.
And @margypops, No, she only watches G-PG tv, and I moniter everything she does on the internet. Her school is a very nice school, the kids are nice for the most part, so I don't think she picked the behavior up from anywhere.
Puprock, bless you for taking her in.
She sounds like she's got a quick temper and is defensive.
But I was surprised to read that so much of what she's done that is a problem happened between 4 and 6 years ago, and now she's 10.
Up until the girl scratched her and then yelled at her, and Abigail got really mad at that (sounds deserved to me!) she's seemed to have a fairly even keel?
It does sound like she could benefit from some help in controlling her anger. But it also sounds like she's had a VERY disrupted life - sounds like there's a divorce in there - with a "stepbrother" blended family who torments her, and now her parents tragically died and she's living with you.
It would be a surprise if she survived all that with emotional health and a completely pleasant personality.
Did either of her biological parents have quick tempers?
She sounds like she's got a quick temper and is defensive.
But I was surprised to read that so much of what she's done that is a problem happened between 4 and 6 years ago, and now she's 10.
Up until the girl scratched her and then yelled at her, and Abigail got really mad at that (sounds deserved to me!) she's seemed to have a fairly even keel?
It does sound like she could benefit from some help in controlling her anger. But it also sounds like she's had a VERY disrupted life - sounds like there's a divorce in there - with a "stepbrother" blended family who torments her, and now her parents tragically died and she's living with you.
It would be a surprise if she survived all that with emotional health and a completely pleasant personality.
Did either of her biological parents have quick tempers?
It sounds like some counselling may be the way to go, I would also ask does she see or hear this behavior from anyone else ,you say her half brother torments her, there may be something there that causes her to respond the way she does .I can understand her not liking that behavior.Again I feel she needs some help and a professional would be the way to go Good Luck
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