Bad in Preschool Not at home

[confussed_mom]

Hello I am new here.  I really need some help.  My son is just turned three years old in January.  Right before his birthday he started a new preschool because of a job change I had.  At the old school there was a mix of races and nationalities, and now at this school he the only one of his race.  I don't know if this is a problem because I thought kids this young didn't know the difference, but it could be the teachers that is making the difference.  Anyway, I had recieved a bad report from his old school once in one year when he went from the infant class to the two year old class that he hit someone.  After that I did not recieve anymore reports about him.  

Since this new school I have recieved about thirty reports that he spit, hits, and throws toys as the teachers and a kids.  When I first recieved the written reports, I would ask who the teachers were and nobody was around to tell me, I only got answers like, "well I was here this morning."  The problem that concerns me more is that he does not seem this terrible at home.  Yes, he is the only child, but when he visits his cousins he plays well with them.  In the past several weeks when visting his cousin I saw him spit for the first time, and I popped him for it.  

I was confronted by his teacher this morning who asked if I talked to my son, and I said yes.  Then, with a slight smile the whole time, she started to vividly tell me how he spits at her and how other kids are afraid of him and how its now everyday that he is out of control.  It really bothered me that she was  laughing because I do not see the humor in this situation at all.  I know this is not normal behavior.  When speaking with I ask my did you do these things.  At first he would say that someone (he gave me a name) hit him.  I asked if this was a child and he said yes, but I just found out yesterday that it was actually a teacher.  Yesterday he also said another teacher cut him with a knife but said she was sorry.  On both occassions I repeatedly asked him the questions to see if he would give me the same answer.

I have cried so much over not knowing what to do.  I was in an abusive relationship and wondering if that have everything to do with it.  Is it my son? Is it the teachers and him being different that EVERYONE else in the class?  Should I spank my son at three?  Should I change preschools?  Should he see a child psychiatrist?  Please any help would be great.

[fthkp1]

My son has problems in groups and has been in several different daycares recently, and had been doing most of the behaviours you described.  I know he does it to get attention.  He learned spitting because it annoyed one of the teachers so much as the school that she flipped (that was her breaking point), so he learned he could get her attention by doing that.  So your son my have trouble fitting in.

And yes, I know the schools all think you aren't doing anything.  They need to do something too.  You need to come up with a plan together.  If the school isn't willing to work with you, then you need to find a school that will (that's the hard part, sorry, I put my son in home care because I couldn't find a school that wanted to put the time in with him, they just wanted my money).

Several books suggest having a reward system.  Have the teachers have a card, like he's good during circle time and then gets a sticker on the card, and then another catergory etc.  And then those stickers mean something at home, like TV time, or a cookie, or getting to do something with you etc.

Sit down with the director and the teachers, and I wish you the best of luck.  I really feel for you.   I've been there, I'm still there....

[harper2b]

take a deep breath...lots of children fall apart when day care is changed. talk to his doctor get their ideas, dont panic...may need to change daycare...you may want to slowly introduce him to a new daycare situation....stay calm if you can  

[LRM1021]

Take a deep breath-- its going to be ok!!
Here is what I am getting from your post
- your son had no problems in social interaction or in a day care setting prior to going to a new day care
- now he has issues at his new day care
- when you try to get more details you get people who are laughing/ smiling, and get people who say , "I'm not sure-- I was here this AM-- I don't know"
- he is picking up new behavior and displaying it at home - when he never did before

All of this leads to --- this situation is not working for your son. You've got some red flags there that this is not a good place for your son. Get him somewhere else.

In my experience, when children act this way it is because they feel insecure about their surroundings -- for some reason they are not feeling safe. You've heard of fight or flight? Well, young boys often go into "fight" mode when they feel this way, while yound girls will often go into "flight" mode when they feel this way-- and they will cry incessantly.