Bio-Dad

[lvmom]

My son will be 10 later this year. I met my husband when my son was 2 1/2, and he has always called him Dad. My husband and I clicked right away and moved in together; we knew we were going to be together so we told my son to call him Dad.

We had another son in 2009. My older son and my younger son look very different as my older son's father was Mexican & Indian. I have a feeling that my older son has contemplated why he looks different than his brother. I also have a friend who suspected his entire life that his dad wasn't his real dad (because he looked nothing like him) but his parents denied it even though it was true and he didn't find out until the man who raised him was dead. It kinda messed him up and now he has no relationship with his mother. My friend's advice to me was to not wait until he is a teenager, or pre-teen, as I had planned, because thats a real easy "hate your mom age." So I thought about telling him now because he is old enough to get it. We also have many examples of the same scenario within our extended family that I could bring up.

I am concerned that my son's attitude might change if we tell him, but I don't want to wait and have it seem like we betrayed him, because everyone but him knows. The biggest difference aside from his looks, is that my son has a very close relationship with my parents, but a very superficial one with my husband's parents who never took the time to catch up or get close to my son since they missed the first 2-3 years of his life. In fact, its a little awkward.

I don't know how to begin this conversation with my son. I don't know how much to tell him about his biodad. I want to explain a little bit about biology and reproducing so I can explain it more technically to him. I don't want to shame him but his father has never been in his life, we broke up when my son was about 6 months old and I believe he is in jail, at least he was the last time I checked. The other issue is that my son has his biodad's last name, so we are working on getting it changed, and then having my husband adopt him (I think). A name change is a few hundred dollars as opposed to an adoption which is a few thousand.

Any advice would really help.

Thank you,
lvmom

[Majoodle]

My husband is not the bio dad of my step son but he has raised him since birth. The bio mom one day threatened to find his bio dad and take my step son back (she gets a little irrational now and then) We took our son to a therapist and talked to him about it there. (Just in case bio mom ever did say anything it would come from us) We let him know that all being biologically related really means is that you know what illnesses run in your genes. Love is love. And because he was adopted by his dad, he was even more special because he was chosen. His dad told him that he loved him very much and that nothing could ever change that fact.

[lvmom]

I kind of wish he was 5 because I love how you worded the response!

[lvmom]

I should have clarified. My son does not know his last name is different than ours. I have been able to have him use my and my husbands last name in school and other groups. He noticed it one time on a prescription for cough medicine, be he so seldom gets sick this was about a year ago. I told him the pharmacy goofed and once they had it wrong in their system they could not change it. He was only 8 so he bought it.

I guess I am mostly afraid of it pre-occupying his young mind. I wanted to tell him because I think he should know and I feel that now is better than mid teen years and waiting until he is 18 or older seems worse to me. Besides, by that time I think he should already know and someone may slip and say something that he will be able to figure out. I mean, he was the ring bearer in our wedding, he was 5 and remembers it very clear. Someday he will question me more specifically about that. I do not want to lie to him. I cannot stand liars and I don't want to go into his teen years and accidentally find out while hormones are raging, having him feel betrayed by his family who he thought he could trust. Those are my fears.

I have read a lot of responses of people in both situations from the parent to the child, and I think it really revolves around how ready or mature your child is. Each case has to be analyzed individually. I believe he is ready but my husband and I are aprehensive and don't want to regret it. I think we just need a little courage and to show our beloved child how much we care about his wellbeing. I think it all depends on how you explain it. I think I will save the details of his bio-dad's criminal ways for when he is older so he doesn't start feeling bad about it.

Thanks for everyone's input! It's a tough conversation but I don't think it should be put off or avoided.

[specialmom]

I agree with Rockrose.  I'm surprised at 10 he has not questioned his last name being different from yours yet.  But that is the time to talk to him as Rockrose suggests.  And I would definately just go for the whole adoption no matter what it costs.  That will be emotionally satisfying to him and clears up any questions if his step dad really feels like he is his son.  Best of luck to you.

[RockRose]

Sorry,  I just now reread that your son is 10.  I was writing this for like, a 5 year old.

I think same story,  adult words and sentences.

[RockRose]

I think the time to do it would be during the formal name change.

You need to say this very positively - with hardly a mention of the biodad -

I think you should say when you were just a baby,  you and I lived together and we hadn't et your daddy yet.    I was really glad you were my baby and I loved being your mom.  Then one day we met your daddy,  and he knew right away that he wanted to marry me and be my husband and be your dad.  So we got married,  and I thank God (if you're religious) every day that he gave me a precious baby like you,  and then later I met your wonderful dad and we made a great family,  and then a few years later your little brother was born and I am so grateful for the blessings of my beloved family.

Just leave it at that.  He'll ask later what happened to the biodad,  and you can just say it was a mistake to have a relationship with him,  and that when you choose a wife make sure you choose the very best one that you want to live with forever like I chose daddy.  I don't know where he is now but he never wanted to be married,  and good thing because look who we have instead.