Bossy Daughter

My oldest daughter can be the most charming of kids - precocious, friendly, thoughtful, has lots of friends and sleep-overs.  But, we see her with friends at times and it's disturbing to myself and my wife.

She's very bossy, controlling, discouraging, demanding and wants to hear that she's the best all the time.  She can be the best big sister at times, but other times can do exactly the opposite.  It comes across as a lack of confidence. Or a compensation for lack of control in her life somewhere else.

We are involved parents, we have her do a home math program that is demanding (1 hour a day), we sign her up for soccer, swimming, chess club.  I mention these because sometimes she wants them and sometimes she doesn't.  But she gets to veto as often as we do it seems.

We talk openly with her and don't treat her as a little kid.  We try to empower her when we can.  We are a little restrictive (other friends of her's have a phone but she doesn't), but not as restrictive as some.  We try to be consistent and we do have expectations.

I'm wondering two things -
1) - It seems likely we've contributed to this, what could we have done to make her feel the need to act this way?
2) What can we do to help her not feel this way?

[specialmom]

Hi.  Hm.  Sometimes kids get caught up in being perfectionists.  We think of being a perfectionist as a good thing but in truth, it is quite difficult emotionally.  No one is perfect, you always fail if you are a perfectionist.  

One of the things you do for kids like this is to work with them on the concept of failing.  Talk about failures you've had.  And if you haven't had many, come up with some anyway.  Then set up situations in which she will fail.  Help her learn that this is part of life and it is okay if she does.

You don't say how old she is but am guessing late elementary due to her work and activities???  If so, you should set up boundaries with her in the area of social skills.  Conveying that being a good friend means that we encourage others, listen to others, and let others have equal time in planning what we do.  These are the social rules of friendship and being a good friend.  

You mention activities such as organized sports and clubs and difficult math programs and expectations----  what do you do as a family for fun?  If most of what she does has an attachment of succeeding to it, it does make for that type of mentality.  And when one lacks confidence, they try to compensate and cope by some of the things you say she is doing.  So incorporate unstructured, fun time with family with nothing expected of anyone but to have a good time.  If you do do it, increase it.

good luck.  It is wise to try to address this as it gets worse as the stakes of life get harder and kids can then 'crash' which you do not want.

[skepticalpeach]

Have you explained to her how you feel about her behavior? Praise her good deeds and explain to her what she is doing wrong and why it is wrong. Sometimes that can go a long ways. It's very normal for girls to act this way. In fact, I know a lot of adult women who act like this! So, I wouldn't panic over it.

My guess is that she really wants a phone, right? Well, tell her that if she can go for, let's say 6 months, without being bossy or rude, she can get a phone. That's a long enough time to make it a habit, but she'll do it. You just have to make it worth her while.

There's a fine line between being bossy/bratty to being a leader. Don't squash her spirit completely because part of being successful is confidence and having the ability to get people to do what you want. Being a parent can be so complex!