8 year old's behaviour

[awilde]

I have a few questions about my step son (to be).  His home life is much different from that of my own 2 kids so we have had a few bumps in the road, behaviour-expectationwise.  When we first met 2 years ago he had a few poop accidents in his pants while at the park or playing outside.  At 6 years old I didn't make much of it.  When he did it purposely to get out of going somewhere, I raised my eyebrows a bit.  Now 2 years later he will go in his pants and leave pieces of it around.  He was confronted by his father who told him it was NOT to happen again. (i had some issues with the way Dad handled it but wasn't there to add my 2 cents to the conversation)  We have also since found out that he openly told his mother about "sometimes going in his underwear and then he has to fling the poop".  She found a hoard of it behind his bed and in her linen closet.  She told us she made him clean it up and that was the last we ever heard about it.  This past weekend I found another 'goodie' after he had left.  (i had a strong suspicion on Sunday but couldn't find anything at that point.. i think stripping the sheets off the bed flung it on to the floor)
He has also become openly destructive, not even trying to hide the evidence of books he's torn to shreds.  There is also lying to the point of ridiculousness but I just chalk that up to being 8.. some 8 year olds are just like that.

Help?  What's 'normal' here?  

[SLR11]

I have a 10 year old with almost identical problems, and I'm at the end of my rope.  He has the encopresis, and the lying.  Otherwise, he is a sweet boy with a very gentle temperament.  The pooping his pants has stopped (for the last couple of days), but he is still smearing it on the walls of our bathroom, and he does the same when we go to visit people.  I feel like we've tried everything from ignoring the behaviour to getting him checked by a doctor.  Unfortunately, we don't have the same communication with his mother that you do.  The one time we did ask her about it, she implied that it was our fault ("maybe you should examine when you are doing when it happens.")  We wanted to get him assessed by a psychologist, but she said "I don't want to label him."  We've considered the possibility of sexual abuse at his Mom's house, but we think more likely it is a control and attention getting issue.  We just need to figure out who's attention he is trying to get and what he wants to control...  Any suggestions?

[awilde]

His parents were never together. (well except for a few months after his birth)  He is a limit pusher to the max, i will give him that.  I have NEVER seen temper tantrums like the ones i've seen this kid have.  He finally stopped having them around me this past summer (so at 7 1/2 years old) when I told him outright he'd get a timeout for having a tantrum.  He thought that was 'babyish' and I told him the punishment had to fit the crime, if you throw yourself to the floor like a baby, I'll put you in timeout like a baby.
His mother cannot control him (she's told me that herself, even said things like "well he just does what he wants, what am I supposed to do?")
I guess my main problem right now is if I should be concerned.  Is he being rotten because he can/wants to  or is there a serious issue his parents are burying their heads in the sand about.

[RockRose]

This either sounds like encopresis (it's possible,  really)  or rage.

Is he in counseling for anger issues - maybe related to his parent's breakup?