My daughter is extremely direspectful...a bonafide brat

[TaunyaLee]

My 51/2 yr old is and has been a fit throwing,demanding ,controlling child for the last 5 years. Literally...when she started to be able to motivate and communicate the fits started and her behavior towards me became more and more mean and nasty.When her dad is around.....anyway. I recently had a meeting with her teachers ,( she's in kindergarten) and they are seeing the same thing, she simply will not do what she's told,at home she will  say No.. at school she just looks at the teacher, turns around and does just what she wants! She is disrespectful to her female teachers and not to her male PE teacher. At home I have tried spanking,timeout,taking away things,explaining,all to no  avail,because, I believe, I do not have any re-enforcement from my husband. He will take the opposite point of view on EVERY situation that comes up. He will argue or try to argue about every word that comes out of my mouth. And, he does this in front of Kasi Bo. So....she does the same thing... he will sit and watch her throw things and slam doors,yell at me, etc....and will say nothing. Of course ,  how my 5 yr old interprets that is that dad doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. That's not to say he has never told her no or reprimanded her,he has,but it's not consistant, one day it's ok to be told to do something and say (in the snottiest tone of voice I've ever heard) NO I don't want to, and another day he'll threaten a spanking (he won't follow through with it though). So in my childs defense, no wonder she's a brat. She never knows where the boundaries are,they change every minute. When my husband is at work,her and I will begin to get some structure and calmness established....(he works five 12 hr days/nights, then has 5 days off)then days off roll around again.....She will be loving and cuddly when he's not around, and it's like she thinks she can't be nice to me when he is there. She loves to help and do chores with me, but when her dad is home she turns into a different kid.I guess my question is, What can I do? The teachers at her school, suggested I get some counseling for myself, (which I have an appt to do) my marriage is a joke and apparently they could sense that.
So anyway....enough rambling,I'm at a loss for the first time in my life. I do not know what to do, any input will be appreciated!     Thanks Taunya

[TaunyaLee]

Even though I do lack respect for my husband, I don't treat him disrespectfully....but kids are smart and my daughter can just sense the tension. My daughter is really insightful,for a kid, I'm teaching her to be respectful to him, or at least trying, Like I said before , I'm starting to be around people that show me respect, so she can see the way they act and treat me and her. I love to see her with her dad, she just loves him,and little girls need their dads. There's some more emotional need on my part, I know how badly I needed a relationship with my dad, and I never got a very good one. I want her to have a dad! It's a crazy deal.....I did just get a new babysitter, a friend of mine , who knows the whole situation, she and her husband will be very good for my daughter to be around. Plus my daughter is crazy about them. She will see how they treat each other in their family, and maybe it will make an impact.  
Thanks for the ideas, when I see someone else say "leave him" I don't feel so wacko for having the thought myself.
Have a great day everybody!!!!! It's going to be 70 degrees where I am!
Taunya

[guera82]

yes you need to leave him.

[guera82]

i wanted to rely to your question before i read anything others wrote, so i wouldnt be influenced by their answers. i think when you tell your daughter to do something and she doesnt listen wen her dad is there it is because she senses lack of respect between you and ur hubby. and if dad doesnt respect you why should she. she doesnt know better. thats why her attitude changes when hes gone... she is no longer influenced by him.... in this situation i would say that you need to put ur husband on your page make him understand that you lil girl actually is 360 of how she acts when hes there

[TaunyaLee]

I suppose money is the biggest thing,if I am to be completely honest. And being honest with myself is very important. I did leave for 3 months last winter. I pulled my daughter out of school,loaded up ALL my stuff and left. But no job ,a couple medical issues,and serious depression didn't make the situation very successful. Although it made me realize , I need to get with it. So I came back,got my daughter back into her very good pre-k program (fortunately) ,got on Zoloft, had a hysterectomy in March and a double spinal fusion in May, took a class at the college, reconnected with alot of people that I had isolated myself from,had as good a summer as I could and started looking for a job when school started, found one, and am doing well for the first time in a long time. I have been married to this guy for 31 years.....started dating when I was a senior in high school. I became a sick codependant,and that lasted for a good many years. I sacrificed relationships with family,friends,and even good jobs for what I thought was what a good wife does, be there for your husband. Support him,encourage him etc.... and even though for years my brain had recognized that there was no reciprocation of anything...my emotions were able to override those thoughts. So....when I had an emotional breakdown,that was finally the end for me...I could finally say no, because I just didn't have anymore to give him! It was a great thing! That was 10 years ago, and right about the time I was getting serious about leaving him, 4 years after that,,we got a phone call about his niece being 71/2 months pregnant and her decision of giving the baby to her friends (who already had 3 kids, no jobs, living in squalor) so...well you can figure out the rest of the story! Had I have said no to the baby, I don't really know what would have happened to her, and I guess that's how I justify my decision of bringing a newborn baby into a marriage that I knew was not good. I convinced myself that I could overcome the marriage mess by being a good mom.It never occurred to me that my husband would be so insecure, and weird about it all. So ..I am moving forward and preparing for raising my daughter alone, but I'm going to use the situation I'm in to help us as much as I can. In the meantime, I just need some support and some ideas how to counter or diffuse his behavior.
Thanks again for the input, it helps alot.
Taunya

[babygirl6152]

what I see more than anything in this is a girl who is living a life with a man who is abusive, neglectful, self centered, and manipulative-
You do know what that does to a girl by the time she is a teen? I hate hate hate divorce I truly do/ if you separated - would that wake him up to want counseling? I wish he were committed to the family for your sake.

I know what you mean about counseling though- my ex wouldn't go either- makes things so much tougher. He was so self- centered and negative. It was like he was determined to put up the opposite stance on anything I tried to do to be proactive in our family.
I am so sorry for you- you seem so strong, though.

[momagain59]

Why do you stay with him?

[TaunyaLee]

As far as respect goes,no,I don't believe he does respect me. I don't believe he really cares for me either. My "theory" is that because my daughter is adopted from his family, he considers her his, and not my child. In fact , at one point when she was real little there was just a tone about him that made me feel like I was the babysitter. I , at that time still thought I could talk to him about things, so I told him how I felt. His response was to say "well????" Like gee didn't I get it? I believe he is so insecure and has such an insatiable need to be liked or loved by EVERYBODY that he can't stand to see my daughter have a close sweet relationship with me. My mom could see what was happening too, and tried to reason with him. Now, I can see that he has always been that way, with my friends,family, job situations. He can't stand to see me excel in anything, he will minimize me by simply not even commenting on what I've done.  And it has done a number on me. A couple of years ago I was sick with a horrendous sinus infection, and it was Friday. My Dr. is not in his office on Fridays, and I was in such pain  I told him I thought I needed to go to the ER. He kept saying "what? what do you mean? It's that bad?" Now he never did actually say the words " No, I will not take you to the ER" but my little 3 year old got the message and came into my bedroom just screaming at me " We're not gonna help you do nothin" Talk about break my heart. Because prior to him being on his days off she was taking my temperature, and getting me tissues...etc...you know taking care of mom. And he never said a word when she did that, to her or me.  And so it goes...there are more situations just like that one. One of the things I started doing to help myself is , I'm telling people what's going on. If people don't know , they can't help and be supportive. Another is ,I am trying really hard to maintain the ENERGY to be consistant on my part with my daughter. I took a class at the college, I took care of some medical issues that I have, (so that I can feel better) and I just went back to work a couple weeks ago. ( I haven't worked since my daughter was 1yr old) I refuse to let him minimize me anymore. As far as him seeing a counselor, no way. But I have been before, and am going again. I want to be as strong as I can be,( emotionally and physically) if I need to make, what I think will be the inevitable decision. But for now I need to find a way to make things work.  And I agree with you all, my daughter will have a tough row to hoe , if she isn't taught  how to follow rules, treat people with respect, be responsible and kind. As far as giving up on her, not a chance. She can be the sweetest ,funniest little person. And like I said , it's not her fault, She lives on an emotional roller coaster! So do I !  Thanks for your input everybody.   TaunyaLee

[ticked]

He reminds me of my friends husband. He will joke around with he than be serious, never follow through until he is tired, snaps and spanks and sends them to bed. It is not the childs fault she is confused by what she sees. Does your husband disrespect you in front of her, call you names, or belittle you with her around? Growing up if i even said anything in the slightest way that disrespected my mother my dad would always step in and tell me not to talk to her like that and if i continued I would get a spank.  I sounds like he doesnt have respect for you and that is the main problem.  

[momagain59]

Why do you think your husband lets her get by with murder one day and the next day she can't? Does he drink, use drugs, or is he mentally ill? I would say that she feels like she is hanging on a cliff, never knowing what is going to happen next. She sounds so confused but she has to learn to respect women. I can see why she would act and react the way she is. Her Dad is doing her no favors and he is actually setting her up for a life of hell. I don't mean to sound hateful, it just drives me crazy to hear of a child being put in this postition. He is creating a lifetime of trouble for his daughter. I am sure he loves her but he needs therapy. I would try to get  the whole family in therapy. Don't give up on her.

[sarah071]

First, what really needs to be established is that you and your husband are on the SAME page, It seems like you have got the right picture of how to handle her, but kids are very smart and can tell what they can and cannot get away with and when they can get away with it. So after you and your husband get on the same page I would starting becoming a team together. Be FIRM and do not let the behavior go unnoticed. You have to be consistant. Most kids with behavior problems are not affected with spankings (or atleast the one's I have worked with) they really are affected if you take something aways that is really special to them. God Bless!