Difficult times with my 4 year old

[joaz]

I have a 4 year old boy, who I am having a lot of problems with. I was a single parent up until he was 2.5 years old, and now am married with a infant brother for him. Everything is a struggle with him, supper, bedtime everyday things. He cries over everything! I have tried everything, trying harder to please him, spending more time with him, taking toys away, time outs, spanking... nothing works. He is resentful of my husband most days, will not talk to him only wants mom, yet some days its the complete opposite and he only wants dad... He is an angel at his grandpas house, they spoil him alot but he always says he would rather live with him than me as grandpa is nice to him... we are too! I dont know what else to do to make him mind me, eat his supper, go to bed on time, repect his mom and dad, he is good with his brother and I have no problems withhim and his brother just the parents...any suggestions on how to help him not cry over everything and to mind us....

[Cleveland Mom]

If your son is particularly close with his older brother, it may be that this brother's absence plays a role in your 4 year old son's recent behavior problems. Your son seems to be very anxious and you need to provide him with affection and reassurance that his brother will return.  Perhaps, your 4 year old doesn't understand that his brother will return and misses him.  Has your 4 year old had any contact with his big brother i.e. via phone, post cards, photos etc.?  If not it would be prudent to make a phone call so that your 4 year old could speak to him and realize that his big brother is fine, that he will return and that he loves him.  Are there any other family issues or problems that could be contributing to your son's fearfulness, anxiety and behavior change (oustside of your older son's absence)?  The level of his anxiety and the level of his behavior problems raise my concerns that something is is going on with your son or your family, outside of just your older son's absence.  

As stated you do need to provide your young son with some extra TLC and do your best to reassure him.  However, he needs to receive consequences for bad behavior i.e. back talk, screaming, cursing,spitting. Tell him this behavior will no longer be tolerated and that when he breaks a rule, he will go to time out. Time outs work well for children his age, chose a boring place for time out like a bathroom or utility room.  He should be in time out 1 min. for every year old he is, so since he is 4 years old, he should be in time out for 4 minutes.  The key is to be CONSISTENT.  If you are consistent, every time he displays a negative behavior, his behavior will improve.  Its also important to provide praise, hugs and kisses when he is behaving well i.e. "You were so polite".  "Good job, helping out."  Negative consequences of negative behavior and postive consequences for good behavior.   You may also use the "carrot on a stick" approach.  If you are do not scream, curse or throw tantrums today, we'll go to the park".  Some behavior is best ignored i.e. whining, just stop your eye-contact with him, tell him once that when he talks like a big boy, without whining then your talk with him, go about your buisness ignoring him.

If his behavior problems continue or escalate, it will be necessary to talk to his healthcare provider to gain perspective and to receive a referral to a child behavior specialist i.e. child psychologist, clinical social worker for help.  Best wishes to you and your family...

[MommaBina]

I am in need of serious help and advise.  I am a married stay at home mom, with a 8 year old boy 4 year old boy and 15 month old girl.  My problem is with my 4 year old, my older son Anthony had to spend 5 weeks with his father for their summer vacation time together and has never been away from us for that long amount of time.  My 4 year old who is normally a very sweet boy, he had his bad moments but nothing like I am dealing with now.  Since my eldest son left my 4 year old has become extremely attached to me, we are normally very close and loving but he has taken it to a different level.  I cannot even leave the room he is in to go cook dinner go to the bathroom, anything if i do he screams and throws a fit and follows me.  He will not go to the potty by himself I have to come with him.  If I do not do what he wants , when he wants it he will throw things and give me ultimatums...if you dont do this then im gonna do this or i wont do...until you do ...when that doesnt go his way because i try to explain to him that he cant always have what he wants when he wants it and i try to explain that i am mommy and he is the child he throws any eve nbigger fit.  He will throw things, kick scream bite and now he has even started cursing and spitting at me.  He has only done this behavior with me until yesterday my Aunt tried to step in and discipline him and he turned on her and did the same thing to her.  He has become so defiant, demanding and just pain bad.  I am afraid to send him to preschool now and cry every day.  I am so stressed out and cannot even enjoy time with him because i truly would rather not be near him anymore ,and I know how awful that sounds but i cant go to the store with him a family members home ,anywhere without the fear of his behavior.  It also takes me away from my other 2 children and is causing problems in my marriage due to my stress.  Someone please help me, advice information anything...
desperate mommy in NJ
Bina

[Michigan mom]

Joaz,
You are not the only one in this kind of situation.  I am in a similar situation.   But I am the step parent.   I have been around my now step son since he was 3 1/2.  He is now going on 7.   My husband and I have a 1 year old daughter and on on the way.   My step son resents me most of the time as well.  He won't speak to me very much either.  He will only ask his father to do or get things for him.  He cries about everything as well.   I asked him the other day to please put his toys away and he started pouting.  His dad went to leave for an hour and he flipped.  He said I was mean to him.   He'll do those things at his mothers house but for me to ask it upsets him.  I know what you are going through.  People have gave me the same suggestions as April2 gave you.  A new marriage and sibling is alot to deal with.   Like April2 said you have to be consistent in what you and your husband do.  You have to be on the same page.   The time out chair is a good idea that April2 gave you.  I set the timer on microwave so he can hear it when it goes off.  If he complains or acts up while sitting there I add 10 seconds or so.   I was told try not to come down on him, reverse it and make it as if you I am explain the action I don't want him to do.  For example, my step son doesn't like to cover his mouth when he coughs...Instead of always asking him over and over and over to please cover your mouth, what did I tell you about covering your mouth,  I explain to him that when you cough it blows germs all in the air and onto things that his sister put into his mouth.  We don't want her getting sick so it is very important that we cover are mouths when we cough so we don't pass the bad germs on to other people.   I have to keep telling him that instead of seeming mean and telling him over and over like I said.   It's very hard being in a blending family and than having a child with the new spouse.   It will take lots of time and hard work from everyone.  Take little baby steps cause trying to fix everything at once won't work.    I also did an rewards chart but it's for him to earn time to play is Nintendo DS or if he gets a special start (pick something new each week) he can watch a movie.   It seems to be working.   Good luck and I hope everyones advise helps  

[April2]

I think he just needs extra patience and love right now. He's had a big change in his short life (new stepdad, new baby brother). It's just going to take some time for him to adjust. Try and keep his schedule consistent. Kids feel more insecure if things are always changing, and will act out more. Also, make sure he's getting enough rest. I wouldn't battle with him so much about eating, etc. Just let him know when dinner is ready. Set everything on the table and if he refuses to come to the table, just ignore him and have everyone start to eat. If he's hungry enough, he will join you. If he asks why you ate without him, just act surprised and say "Well, I called you to dinner. When you didn't come, I thought that meant you wern't hungry, so we went ahead and ate." Stay calm. Don't make a big deal out of it. If he whines or cries, keep telling him calmly that you will be more than happy to listen to him when he can use a normal voice. Tell him that you can't understand him when he's crying. Children learn by example, so keep your voice soft but firm. Stay calm and consistent. If you give in to him sometimes and not sometimes, you're giving him conflicting messages and he won't know what to expect. If he refuses to mind, give him one warning and then put him in a time out chair for four minutes (1 minute per age of child). When his time is up, tell him why he was in time out and have him apologize. Reward the good behavior. Give him attention and praise when he's being good and minding. Give him little jobs to make him feel important and part of the family, like helping when you change the baby (getting the powder, diapers, wipes, etc.), or helping you feed or dress the baby. Try a reward chart. These seem to work really well for kid his age. They love them. Give him stars or stickers for the things he does, like helping with the baby, listening to mommy and daddy, feeding the dog, etc. When he accumulates so many stickers then he gets an extra special treat, like at trip to the ice cream store or small toy or just extra one on one time with you. See if that works. Hope any of these ideas work for you!