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Does my 3.5 son have a behavioral problem?
My 3.5 year old son is an angel at school and to everyone he knows - except us. He back talks to everything we say, won't listen, he refuses to do time out. The other day it took me 25 minutes to get him to sit for his 3 minute time out. I actually sat on the floor and held him for a few minutes to try and calm him down. We have taking a way priviledges and toys -some permanently. I even tried (out of desparation) two 2 swats on the behind once and all that did was put him in a fury of smacking me in self defense. We are consistant and clear with our rules - 3 strikes you are out. I have recently tried having him repeat back to me what I have said so that I know he is listening. We are consistant - HE is unpredictable. I am at my wits end! I should also add that he is very smart for his age which I don't think makes things easier. he has been very verbal since 14 months.
Here is a specfic example of an event that occured today. We needed to go to the store to buy toilet paper as we were almost out - he also wanted to go to the library. When I asked him to put his pants on he refused - i asked again again and again - eventually I started yelling. I packed up my 11 month old in the car and asked my 3.5 year old again to put on his pants. I reminded him that we could go to the library afterwards if he behaved. I also told him I would take away his little plastic slinky that he won in a vending machine the day before if he didn't put on his pants. Anyway, after 20 minutes of debating over the pants I said fine you can ride in the car in your underwear - I picked him up and carried him to his car seat in the garage. I also took the little slinky and disposed of it. I tried to put on his pants, he then screamed "I want to go in the house and put them on!. I said it was to late and that we need to get going if we were going to do both errands. He went crazy and started screaming and hitting me (which is an automatic time out in my house). I wrestled him into the seat with his pants on finally. He screamed the whole way to the store - then he screamed about which store we went to. Then he refused to put on his shoes to walk and started screaming. I warned him that if he didn't let me put his shoes on that he wouldn't be able to walk and I would put him in the stroller. I ended up putting him in the stroller and carrying my 11 mnoth old. He screamed the whole time. when we got back to the car he screamed to go back into the store so he could walk. I then had to wrestle him back into the seat. We did not go to the library because of his behavior and that was clearly explained. So he refused to get out of the garage because he wanted to go to the library.... I took the baby in the house, told him I loved him and to come in when he was ready.
Is something wrong with him? How should I handle this??
Here is a specfic example of an event that occured today. We needed to go to the store to buy toilet paper as we were almost out - he also wanted to go to the library. When I asked him to put his pants on he refused - i asked again again and again - eventually I started yelling. I packed up my 11 month old in the car and asked my 3.5 year old again to put on his pants. I reminded him that we could go to the library afterwards if he behaved. I also told him I would take away his little plastic slinky that he won in a vending machine the day before if he didn't put on his pants. Anyway, after 20 minutes of debating over the pants I said fine you can ride in the car in your underwear - I picked him up and carried him to his car seat in the garage. I also took the little slinky and disposed of it. I tried to put on his pants, he then screamed "I want to go in the house and put them on!. I said it was to late and that we need to get going if we were going to do both errands. He went crazy and started screaming and hitting me (which is an automatic time out in my house). I wrestled him into the seat with his pants on finally. He screamed the whole way to the store - then he screamed about which store we went to. Then he refused to put on his shoes to walk and started screaming. I warned him that if he didn't let me put his shoes on that he wouldn't be able to walk and I would put him in the stroller. I ended up putting him in the stroller and carrying my 11 mnoth old. He screamed the whole time. when we got back to the car he screamed to go back into the store so he could walk. I then had to wrestle him back into the seat. We did not go to the library because of his behavior and that was clearly explained. So he refused to get out of the garage because he wanted to go to the library.... I took the baby in the house, told him I loved him and to come in when he was ready.
Is something wrong with him? How should I handle this??
And do not ask again and again - ask twice at the most and then come over and "help" or "prompt" him to put his pants on.
Sounds like control/transition issue.
How about 10/5 minutes warning - he probably initially refused to put his pants on b/c he was busy with something else and had trouble transitioning. Unless there is an emergency, you should be able to do this. My son started doing this lately - when he wakes up for school, he needs to climb on the top bunk and play his "piano" for a couple of minutes - I let him have his "music time". Some chidren just need more time to "wrap up". I personally witnessed multiple tantrums at my son pre-school - from other children - they were falling apart when their parents came to pick them up right before ther were going to play outside. Parents were embarrased, but I realized that is is because anticipation of "outside time" was probably building up in their little heads for 10-15 minutes, they need time to settle and realize that their "plan" has changed by factors outside of their control.
On the other hand, dad wants him to go and have his breakfast immediately, and his attempts to retrieve his son result in a tantrum.
Think about how you would feel if, for example, your spouse would all the sudden demand that you get ready to go somewhere, while you had your own plan in your head....More so if you spent all day at work and were anticipating a quiet afternoon with the cup of coffee and a book.....
I like to plan my day, for example, so do children.
My son did not have any problems with transitions until he turned 3.
"Activity strip" helped a great deal with transitions - like a visual schedule
Hopefully it helps
How about 10/5 minutes warning - he probably initially refused to put his pants on b/c he was busy with something else and had trouble transitioning. Unless there is an emergency, you should be able to do this. My son started doing this lately - when he wakes up for school, he needs to climb on the top bunk and play his "piano" for a couple of minutes - I let him have his "music time". Some chidren just need more time to "wrap up". I personally witnessed multiple tantrums at my son pre-school - from other children - they were falling apart when their parents came to pick them up right before ther were going to play outside. Parents were embarrased, but I realized that is is because anticipation of "outside time" was probably building up in their little heads for 10-15 minutes, they need time to settle and realize that their "plan" has changed by factors outside of their control.
On the other hand, dad wants him to go and have his breakfast immediately, and his attempts to retrieve his son result in a tantrum.
Think about how you would feel if, for example, your spouse would all the sudden demand that you get ready to go somewhere, while you had your own plan in your head....More so if you spent all day at work and were anticipating a quiet afternoon with the cup of coffee and a book.....
I like to plan my day, for example, so do children.
My son did not have any problems with transitions until he turned 3.
"Activity strip" helped a great deal with transitions - like a visual schedule
Hopefully it helps
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree with all of the above. I think you handled the end of the episode correctly. I probably never would have started it. I would have given him about 5 min. to get dressed (with reminders). And then cancelled the whole trip.
Its kind of tough not to be able to get out. It will take some real planning on your part. This is also a stage that should end soon if you work on the points mentioned above.
You also might try checking out Lynn Clarks' book "SOS: Help for Parents"
Its kind of tough not to be able to get out. It will take some real planning on your part. This is also a stage that should end soon if you work on the points mentioned above.
You also might try checking out Lynn Clarks' book "SOS: Help for Parents"
He is challenging you with his fighting with you and he is winning. One thing I have learned from my first born being extremely advanced for her age, is be short and to the point in a firm voice. Tell the child how you expect them to act when you go somewhere in a firm strong voice. Let the child pick out what the child wants to wear. I am not sure why he did not want to put the pants on. Was it the wrong pair of pants? Are they uncomfortable? Remember you are in control. Do not lose your temper. Firm, to the point, no arguing or discussing with children. The problems you are having with him is that he is bright for his age, so he will challenge you more. If he feels that you are getting upset with him, he will challenge you even more, pushing you to the limit. Do not feel sympathic toward him. Do not let him sense that you are getting angry with his behavior. It is his choice if he is going to be well behaved or not. If not, then there are consequences and he should know them before. Follow through with any consequences and make sure that they fit the bad behavior. I went to a seminar about dealing with smart children and it was very helpful and helped me to understand why my daughter acted the way she did. Check to see if there is any seminar for you to attend in your area. It is well worth it.
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