Four Year Old with Frustration Issues

[MamaNash]

I have a four year old son who will soon be five in January and I am concerned with how he deals with frustration and "failure." Since my son was born he has been somewhat of a "perfectionist." As an infant he would try 1 or 2 times to crawl but as soon as his body would go backwards and not forwards, the way he wanted, he would cry, give up and go back to the "army man crawl." This continued until about 9 months when he finally took off crawling "the right way." When it came time to walk, he started trying about 9 mos. old and again, he would wobble for only a second and then drop to the floor and not try again. Finally at almost 13 months, he took off walking with no problem at all.

I stayed home with him his first year and then returned to work. When I returned to work, my son stayed with his Grandpa for a year and at two I decided it would be a good time to get him in school to interact with other children his age. My son is an only child for the time being, I am expecting our second child in May. Once my son started daycare he began throwing temper tantrums and throwing himself on the ground and crying if he could get something to go his way. It has only progressed. At about three years old he really got interested in coloring. I would put him at the table with his coloring book and crayons so he could color and the second he would get out of a line, he would scribble all over the paper, wad the paper up, grunt, cry, and say he's "no good." This continues to this day at home and at daycare. I will reassure my son that it's okay to get out of the lines, everybody gets out of the lines at one time or another and to continue with the picture and it will look great. He doesn't buy it and he will give up.

At my son's day care, they have a curriculum that they go by so he learns quite a bit. I also work with him at home with writing his letters and numbers. The minute that he writes a letter wrong he gets upset, cries, throws himself back in the chair, and again says he "can't do it." I tell him that the more he practices the better he will get and it just takes time and practice. We are working with sign language and its the same thing, the minute that he doesn't get something right its like he feels like a failure and gives up.

This frustration boils over into game time as well. If we play a game and he loses he gets terribly upset, walks out of the room, cries, tells me or my husband that he doesn't want to play with us anymore, etc. He does the same thing at school and even once went to the wall and bean hitting his head on the wall after losing a game. The teachers at his daycare now let him when the first round in the game just so he won't get mad and throw a fit. I on the other hand do not "allow" him to win. If I win, I will tell him "great game!" before he has a chance to storm out of the room and try to encourage positive behavior but he still gets upset. I have told him that I will not play with him if he acts like that anymore because it makes me feel bad everytime he gets made because I win. This goes for any type of interaction/game. He loves playing with our neighbor's two boys but the first time something doesn't go his way he blows up, walks off and will begin either crying, throwing something at the ground or pretend like he is yelling or talking to the person that made him angry. When it comes to sports, if he doesn't hit the baseball everytime or catch the football everytime he is mad and wants to give up. At this point my husband and I push him to finish what he started and if he continues to be mad then we send him inside to sit on the couch.

I need advice on what I should do. Do you think that this issue goes further than typical four almost five year old behavior? My husband and I will be enrolling him in teeball in the spring and I hope that this helps him. My son is a very loving child 90% of the time. He has no problem telling me he loves me or complimenting me or anybody else. He loves to play, laugh, sing, & read. I am a bit of a perfecionist myself and my husband is very competitive. When our son does do a good job on something or puts effort into something or when he tries at something period, I always make an effort to encourage him and compliment his work. Is there something else I need to try?

[MamaNash]

I appreciate your feedback. I really do make a concsience effort to encourage him and assure him that its okay if you don't always get something right. Me being a perfectionist is really exemplified at work and in school not necessarily while spending time with him. I say that but maybe I just can't see it with him because I am not an onlooker. My husband typically ignores the behavior until he starts getting out of hand like throwing toys at the wall or hitting things. Again, thanks for you advice and I will ask for some outsiders' perspectives on how I react to him when he exhibits these behaviors.

[margypops]

You could try not to feed into the issue when he doesnt get things right allow him to get frustrated and throw it to the ground, ignore it, you say you are a perfectionist so maybe you have high expectations and he sees this. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on him to get everything right, hes only 4 years old its okay if he doesnt.,Still encourage him but not over react when he gets it  wrong ,Children copy us maybe he has learned some of his frustation,Get your husband involved and have fun and games and outside activities,