ADVICE PLEASE!

[nikkihouse360]

I moved in with my fincee three years ago.  He has a Daughter, 7years old, he has raised her since she was 4 when her mother left.  When I first moved in she listened to everything I asked of her.  Even over her father.  Recently since she started speaking with her mother on the phone her behavior has taken a turn for the worst.  She refuses to listen to me at all, disregaurding everything I ask of her, arguing with me comstantly, trying to embarress me in public situations, and now as of today startied acting out in school.  She will be all sweet and momy this mommy that, until i tell her no about something.  At which point she will whine, argue, yell, tell me no, and Im not her mother.  I have spoken with her father about the issue at hand but its almost as if he dont believe me.  I have almost completly shut down due to stressing about this behavior.  I dont like to spank her because he has never really displayed  physical disipline.  I have grounded her, taken her toys away, she has lost privledges, written sentances, stood in the corner, did wall sits, assined chores, you name it I have tried it more than once.  She responds by stomping off into her room and breaking her things in rebellion.  when its just her and her dad she listens to him and occupies herself.  WHen she is with me (majority of the time he works all day into the evening) she expects me to entertain her constantly, and refuses to do her chores, or homework, geting into shower etc. its literaly to the point where I cant make her do anything she will not listen.  Then goes to her friends or others we know saying I am mean to her, and dont listen to her at all.  I realize that step-families require more effort and are challenging to blend, but sometimes I feel I am the only one trying to make it work, and keep her safe and raise her correctly.  What can I do to make her respect me again? and What chores are approperate for her age?  All I ask now Is for her to clean her own room put clean laundry away, and pick up after herself after meals, showers, or activities.  IS that too much? And what disipline ideas could i try now? please help before I throw in the towel!!

[sovss_girl]

I have a 7 year old of my own and when me and my husband, at the time, fiance, got together, my husbands two older daughters were 8 and 6 and they didnt take well to me at all. their mother was telling them to give me a hard time because i'm not their mother and it was a constant fight all the time but i decided from day one that because i'm not their mother, even though i made them realize that i love them as my own and to me there is not difference in the way i love them and the way i love my daughter. i decided that i would not physically discipline them. i would punish and take things away and other ways of discipline but never spank. their father told them that they are to listen to me or they would be in trouble from him but they still gave me a hard time. today, they are 13 and 11 and even though we still have a problem every once in a while, me and the two girls have a much better relationship. i have proven to them that i am not going anywhere and that even though they see their mother and spend time with her, its ok for them to accept me and know that i love them. you have to prove your not giving up on them no matter what they do. once you do, you will probably see a big improvement. hope it helps.

[specialmom]

Oh, the motherless daughter.  Such pain.  This child had a mother who left her.  I know you are important but that NEVER replaces a child's mother and particularly a daughter.  she's in pain, it sounds.  Missing her mother.  Will the mom come back into the picture at all?  

This is a tough position for you to be in.  Kids desire the love of their parents.  You must be patient because it is very hard on a child to be left like this and particularly by a mom.  

Personally, I think that you've taken on the role of mother which is admirable but at the same time, can cause conflict.  She knows you are not her mother hon.  I would have a family meeting where dad does the talking and lets her know she is to be respectful and listen to you as she would  ANY adult.  Period.  and then you should possibly, if you can, back off and allow him to take over some of the parenting chores until she becomes less stressed over her mom.  

good luck

[Sandman2]

    Do I read you correctly in that until today - she had no problems in school?
Just being curious because you also mentioned not doing homework.  Are her grades beginning to drop?   Has her teacher noticed any change in her the last couple of months.  How is her attention span in class?