Help! My 17 year old son refuses to wipe after using the toilet.

[Aghast17]

He is very comfortable walking around and sitting everywhere with feces covered underwear .
He wipes boogers on the walls of his room. He will not stop scratching his face and back (now full of acne), hair, picks at his feet. He likes keeping a messy room. No one in our family shares this behaviour.
We have had several discussions with him to try to understand the situation. Sometimes we think that we finally reached him because he says he will be clean. But, the following day he is back to not wiping.
A few days ago, he told me that  being clean is not important to him.
Help. We do not know what to do. Next year, he will be off to college and we feel very troubled sending him away with such behaviour.  Any help is appreciated. Thank you!

[AnnieBrooke]

Healthy animals like to keep themselves clean, when one does not, it is a sign of distress. I am thinking of a couple of possibilities -- One is this could be a way of resisting some message in the family in a passive-aggressive way.  If he looks and smells more or less normal at school but acts like this at home, it might be a pointed effort towards something at home, "getting his own back" in a way.  This is the kind of thing girls do when they get anorexia, they can't control something important in their life but they can control what they eat.  If it distresses someone who is giving them the cause for anxiety, so much the better.  I don't know what the family situation is like, but if he feels like this thing, he has control over, and otherwise he is made to behave certain ways, perhaps a therapist can help the family sort it all out.

Another is, sometimes people deliberately make themselves unattractive because they are being sexually abused and feel they cannot say anything about it.  This happens when the abuser is someone with survival power over the person (such as, the kid feels he would ruin the entire family's support or well-being if he spoke up).  If the therapist comes to you and says such a thing is happening, don't be in denial.  Your son is giving you a big signal that something isn't right, be ready to find out what it is, and to believe him if he unburdens himself to his therapist in a way that is not what you want to hear.  

[Aghast17]

Thank you, Annie. We really appreciate the detailed insight you provided and your help.  

[carlie7]

I agree a 100% with you..I think something else has definitely been going on in his life your not aware of and what he is doing is a symptom of that..something being done to him that he has no control over and unable to stop so the one thing he can control is his bathroom habits. You need to take a good look at the people that have been around him growing up and who would have the opportunity to mess with him. Someone did or maybe still is.  

[FrmrChristian]

I think you should allow him to go on to college. I feel confident that his peers will probably humiliate him to the point of making him want to do something about it! God forbid he would ever want a girl/boy friend (whatever his preference). Assuming he is not autistic, or schizophrenic, or has some type of mental deficiency, in which case that should be addressed immediately with professionals, just throw him to the wolves (college peers),and if that does not make him desire to wash his back side and take a freaking shower, then I have absolutely no solution that would be of help to you. The very best of luck to you, my friend!

[tmk333]

I wholeheartedly agree with almost all of the responses.  The only thing I have to offer is that in this case it could be just very poor hygiene. If so when he goes on to college his peers will definitely let him know what they think regarding the feces and all the other behaviors.  Best to you

[PeggySue2u2]

Hypersensitivity may contribute to his aversion to touching paper.

I've heard many people complain about the sounds of paper against paper so, it seems like it is a common annoyance too.

There is a possibility; and only a possibility... that he may not be wanting to deal with an issue in which; me (again...) "may" be unknowingly using an OCD outlet to move his feelings to the side or for a distraction. Kind of like living outside of your skin. At first, I thought Asperger's but I truly doubt it after more thought. He may only have a problem he needs to work through and may not want to meet it head-on. Maybe a change of atmosphere or a flicker of hope may be the key to unlocking the secret to help him overcome a possible issue.

Good luck and may you find the root of the issue soon.

Note, that I am not a Doctor and it is only a guess as a parent and grandparent but it is something to keep in the back of your mind while trying to diagnose or pinpoint the issue to address recovery....and his battle is half fought with you on his side.  It is healthy for him to be his own person while leading with his own two feet at 17. :)

Allow him to make some mistakes without worrying about the untidiness of his room. He may have too many pressures from family, peers and trying to make a decision for college and his life from here on out.

Let him know that a slump can be a means to a new beginning and to not sweat the small stuff. Robert Frost sums it up well in "The Road not Taken".

God Bless

[angryjedi75]

When my son was younger, he had an issue with smearing feces...he would smear it under the desk in his room, and would not wipe after using the toilet. This was at about 11 years old. When he was 12, he was diagnosed with early onset bipolar disorder with schizoaffective tendencies. Our psychiatrist believes that the unhygenic issues were due to the bipolar. My son is also very intelligent and has many friends...it might be worth looking into.

[Sandman2]

Good question by Annie.  There are several ways to make the whole thing more comfortable.  Charmin moist wipes is a good example.
   Does he have any other problems like Sensory Processing Disorder or AD/HD?

[Aghast17]

Thank you.
He does not have any other problems. In fact, he is rather brilliant, strong academically(takes all AP classes, perfect ACTs), and at the top of his senior class. He is a kind and good boy. He has several friends and tutors other kids. But at home, he simply does not care about his hygiene.

[AnnieBrooke]

I assume you have provided wipes and other helpful tools, it sounds like this has gone well beyond the norm.  Talk to a therapist or counselor.

[Aghast17]

Thank you, Annie.