Out of Control 6 year old

[Brooke202]

I have a six year old son who is totally out of control.  This is to the point that it is putting a major strain on our day to day functioning as a family.  Honestly I think it began as a very spoiled child and now we don't know how to reverse it.  He wants to be in control of every situation and throws all out temper tantrums when he knows he is losing.  My husband and I try to stand firm but we are emotionally exhausted and usually resort to yelling.  My son refuses to get up in the mornings for school (my husband carries him from the bed to the couch), will not eat breakfast or dress.  We have to fight him every morning (and have two other children - he is the middle).  Sometimes the battles begin over something as simple as which cereal to choose, whether or not there is chocolate milk or who brushes his teeth.  At night, he lays in bed screaming for an hour plus (keeping other school age children awake) just because things did not go his way.  We are trying to remain strong and I am trying to implement some techniques from the social work background I have but any assistance would be greatly appreciated.  

[swimamy]

I recently made a checklist that my 6 year old son fills in during mornings and evenings.  Some of the boxes include getting out milk and juice for breakfast; setting out his choice of clothes the night before; going pee before bed; brushing teeth.  He can do the tasks in any order he wants and if all of them are done without me having to ask him he gets a sticker.  After a certain number of stickers he gets a trip to chuck e cheese (I made other options for rewards, he picked Chuck e cheese)
He is in control of when he does things, and all of his responsibilites are done without me asking.  He also likes to be the one to check off the boxes and looks forward to the stickers.  It has worked really well and reduced arguments

[jdtm]

Please reread my post on 11/07/07 - I really think "anxiety" is the issue here.  "Wanting control 24/7 is always more than control or being spoiled or being manipulative.  And yes, mom2002 - it will get worse because anxiety does not go away nor will your child outgrow it.  But, with proper treatment, he/she can learn to "manage his fears" and lead a "normal" life.  Please contact your child's pediatrician for advice.

[mom2002]

Reading your concerns seemed as though you took the words from my mouth. I have a 5 yr old son who has similar behaviors. It has been going on now for almost 3 years, and getting worse. It was good to hear that I am not alone. Have you found anything to help? I would love to talk about this more. As I to feel helpless

[ally'smommy]

Maybe try and give him a little control?  You mentioned fighting over what kind of cereal, let him choose a kind.  I recently started a reward system with my 5 year old, we call it happy money.  She would fight me every morning about getting dressed.  I started setting an oven timer and told her if she could "  beat the timer"  she would earn a reward coin and it really motivates her.  We have much more pleasent mornings now:)

[TLOW1212]

p.s. Let him know how proud you are of him when he does as you ask.  Make sure you let him know his behavior is bad, not him, and it is not acceptable.

[TLOW1212]

Once a child is spoiled for something, it is very hard to correct it.  It however, is not impossibe.  It will take some time but try a  daily routine and stick with it.  He may need structure.  When a child knows what to expect from an action it could ease some tension.  Make sure you are consistant, and I mean consistant.  He must know his actions have consiquinces.  Those consiquinces must be set by you.  Always stay calm and it will eventually rub off on him.  By now he knows what to do to push your buttons and get his way.  Being good parents is the hardest job in the world.  It wares you down.  But in the end it is all worth it.  Dont give up.  

[jdtm]

Children who try to "control" their environments often suffer from anxiety disorders.   They cannot control their feelings and thoughts in response to their environment (as most of us can - called self-regulation), and so to alleviate their intense distress, try to control their environments.  This is a survival technique.  The behaviours that you have described - tantrums, inflexibility, school refusal, not able to eat or dress in the morning, sleeping issues - all are indicative of an anxiety disorder.  I might suggest you google "childhood anxiety disorders" on the internet and see if any of these symptoms 'describe" your child.   Please let us know if you think this might be the issue so we can be of further help.