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Dealing with other people's children when sharing living space
If you were annoyed or upset with some of the behaviors/actions of a roommates child, would you feel comfortable speaking up & telling the roommate or not say anything because it's really not your place & you're trying to keep the peace? The child doesn't live with our roommate but visits quite often.
Best Answer
Hi and welcome. Its your house to and i certainly would speak up. My experience with trying to keep peace as it often leads to full scale war as other things will pop up later. If its not one thing its another
Oh our bedroom door is always kept close even when we're not in there so the times she has come in, the door has been closed. A few times when she's here if I'm upstairs I've started locking the door just in case. The front living room is ours however she hasn't really come in here. Her main interest appears to be our bedroom & the nursery. About the fire place: the original home owner kept it sealed (he had small children as well) so we just never messed with it. My son will often go into the other "living room" with toys but he mainly stays in his playroom where most of his toys are.
Well, then, the arrangement sounds easy - the downstairs/basement area is for the girl and her dad, the middle floor is public, and the upstairs is your family's area. And you and your son don't go downstairs (sounds like you don't anyway) and they don't come upstairs.
I guess I'm still trying to get the feel of the whole dynamic, because my family isn't like that. When my husband and I were dressing or doing something we wanted to do in private, the bedroom door was closed (in your case, locked would be good). Otherwise, anyone could go anywhere. Knock on closed doors, but you will be allowed in except in cases where the person needs privacy to sleep, or change clothing. I did have friends growing up who didn't allow the children to come into the bedroom, and in some homes kids weren't allowed in the formal front living room, but I wasn't raised like that nor were my kids.
I wonder if it might be time to go get some cheapo kids furniture (bean bag chairs, kiddie table, etc.) and make the unused living area a craft reading room for the kids and let them decorate it cheaply. I have a fireplace in my main living room and I raised 3 very curious kids and I don't think any of them ever opened the fire place - but again, I don't think I'd care if they did. Is there something about your fire place that's different that you wouldn't want them to be around it?
I guess I'm still trying to get the feel of the whole dynamic, because my family isn't like that. When my husband and I were dressing or doing something we wanted to do in private, the bedroom door was closed (in your case, locked would be good). Otherwise, anyone could go anywhere. Knock on closed doors, but you will be allowed in except in cases where the person needs privacy to sleep, or change clothing. I did have friends growing up who didn't allow the children to come into the bedroom, and in some homes kids weren't allowed in the formal front living room, but I wasn't raised like that nor were my kids.
I wonder if it might be time to go get some cheapo kids furniture (bean bag chairs, kiddie table, etc.) and make the unused living area a craft reading room for the kids and let them decorate it cheaply. I have a fireplace in my main living room and I raised 3 very curious kids and I don't think any of them ever opened the fire place - but again, I don't think I'd care if they did. Is there something about your fire place that's different that you wouldn't want them to be around it?
Sorry I forgot to mention there's also another "living room" type area that is connected to the kitchen but it's not used as much. We mainly use that to put items that really have no place to go; other than that it's almost bare. I was going to make that another playroom but there's a fire place there. Even though it's covered there were a few times when they did play together that they tried opening it up. I left it as is figuring her dad would prolly put something there but he said he would have his space downstairs.
Well before we moved in our roommate stated he wanted to take the downstairs because he would have his own personal space & we could take the upstairs. The downstairs area/basement area (bottom floor) is his space where he has his own room, living room, play area. The second floor is the living room, kitchen (which we all share), my son's playroom & a half bathroom (which we share on occasion). The first floor is my son's bedroom, our bedroom, the nursery, & another bathroom (which is mainly his). She has her own area downstairs with toys, movies, etc. I have no issue with her being anywhere on the second floor. There's truly no reason for her to be in our bedroom for any reason. Before she decided she didn't wanna play with my son & I stopped their play I told her she was more than welcome to play in his playroom as long as she cleaned up after herself. (I always have my son clean up too after he's done playing). However, she told him she no longer wanted to play with him so she stays in her playroom downstairs.
It's hard to tell exactly what you're saying. There must be something upstairs that she CAN do - or going upstairs would be completely barred. As it is, there's a small area of upstairs that's appropriate for her as long as she's quiet? Sorry, I'm really just asking for clarification on the layout of the house.
So I would suggest you have two private areas of the house - their bedrooms downstairs are their area, the entire upstairs is your area for your family of soon to be 4, and the kitchen, and downstairs living are public and fair game for everyone?
The problem is you're living in a home designed for a family, and it's being treated as two different homes, both with small children.
So I would suggest you have two private areas of the house - their bedrooms downstairs are their area, the entire upstairs is your area for your family of soon to be 4, and the kitchen, and downstairs living are public and fair game for everyone?
The problem is you're living in a home designed for a family, and it's being treated as two different homes, both with small children.
Thank you I was thinking of having a "house meeting" & addressing it in a formal manner. I appreciate the advice :)
Okay, well then if that's all there is, simply speak up and make it clear what rooms are off limits. Then, all should be solved. Hope it works out!
My husband & our roommate talk all the time & they're both honest men & none of them have expressed issues. Everyone else appears to be happy but my unhappiness is stemming from the discomfort of my personal space repeatedly being walked in on. Other than that I have no issues
Well according to her dad she gets whatever she wants at her mom's house & is completely spoiled. He even said he's guilty of spoiling her too so I don't think attention is lacking. I told my son to ignore her because I felt like she was trying to get him in trouble. To avoid there being an issue I stopped their play awhile back because she wasn't nice to him. (I posted about that in another forum saying how she continuously made fun of his speech delay). I don't pay her mind because she doesn't really listen to me which I would expect from a child her age. Plus I don't feel comfortable disciplining a child that's not mine. My husband is asleep when she's here & they leave shortly after he wakes up. He doesn't have an issue with her, however he wasn't happy to see her in our room one day when he was coming out of the bathroom. From what I see she has no issue being here as she always begs to stay & or cries when she has to leave. In the past her & my son played together just fine but awhile back she started being really mean to him & told him not to bother her anymore. Since then he hasn't really paid her much mind when she comes & I can understand why. I don't think her dad expects me to watch her or anything & as I said in an earlier post when she is up here it's usually not for long. I don't think attention is an issue as they spend the majority of their time in their own space watching movies & he's been taking her out lately. I don't think telling her dad to keep her out of the rooms is a bad thing because that's our personal space. Just walking into someone else's room or being in someone else's room whether they're in there or not to me is a bit rude. I've never once gone into his bedroom when they're asleep so I would expect the same from them. Thank you
As soon as her dad comes back upstairs she runs to him practically in tears saying how my son was bothering her, he wouldn't leave her alone, she doesn't want him near her, & was going on about how he is always messing with her (not true because he doesn't really pay her much mind)
When she is up here I don't even say anything to her I just let her do her. She does whatever she wants & I don't pay her much mind unless it is necessary
Herein lies the problem people are reading in your posts, I think. Basically, this is a young child who no one is paying attention to. Her dad is asleep, your husband is asleep, you don't "pay her much mind unless you have to", and your son does the same (AND you encourage him to ignore her when you're not happy with the way she plays with him). I think the behavior you described with her and your son is 100% attention seeking, because she isn't getting enough. THAT would have been a good time to talk to the little girl right there with dad present. You could have explained to her that the two kids were having fun and playing nice together, and asked her what changed? Instead you told your son to basically ignore her. That's not going to go anywhere productive. The two kids are almost the same age, which should make them great playmates...but it doesn't sound as though the girl is getting ANY kind of attention from anyone, then add to that the adults trying to maintain quiet during waking hours, and certain areas of the house being off limits, not a very welcoming "homey" environment is it? There's not a THING wrong with certain rooms being off limits, but what the posters above were trying to tell you is that there seems to be more going on in this arrangement that are the bigger issues.
Personally, if it were me, I'd be annoyed too. You're basically left to be the babysitter, AND the quiet keeper, while pregnant and functioning on very little sleep yourself. The part you don't want to hear is that this little girl is kind of being ignored, what do you expect her to do? Like sm said, that's not HER problem, but rather a problem with the adults in the home not making it a kid-friendly environment for her. Do YOU have some role to play in that? Unfortunately, yes you do...even if you didn't agree to being the daytime caretaker, you are, and you've not said you won't be...so it's partly YOUR job at this point to make sure she's having her needs met. Just try to imagine for a second your son in that environment...with you not there. Be honest with yourself...it would probably really upset you to think that people were only tending to him on a bare minimal level.
It's really nothing to get offended about that the advice was that this is not a good living arrangement. I agree. NO ONE in the home is really benefitting from the situation, with the exception of having a roof over their heads. The little girl can't be happy, you're not real happy, the men probably aren't happy...it's just probably very uncomfortable, and a home shouldn't be uncomfy. For a week? Sure. For months? Not really.
I just can't see how limiting the little girl's access to those rooms is going to solve these problems, because it's not. You're still going to have the other bigger issues that you seem to be having a hard time acknowledging...the noise issue, and you're still going to be responsible for tending to her while the men sleep. And ...just paying her mind only when it's necessary isn't really fair to her. If you can try to leave your emotions out of your reaction to this advice, I think you'd agree. This little girl needs interaction, playtime, etc. I don't think you signed on for all of that, and I think you're resentful that it's falling in your lap. I don't blame you a bit, because I would be too....but then you need to get a little honest with yourself that keeping her out of certain rooms in the house isn't going to solve the issue.
Good luck to you.
When she is up here I don't even say anything to her I just let her do her. She does whatever she wants & I don't pay her much mind unless it is necessary
Herein lies the problem people are reading in your posts, I think. Basically, this is a young child who no one is paying attention to. Her dad is asleep, your husband is asleep, you don't "pay her much mind unless you have to", and your son does the same (AND you encourage him to ignore her when you're not happy with the way she plays with him). I think the behavior you described with her and your son is 100% attention seeking, because she isn't getting enough. THAT would have been a good time to talk to the little girl right there with dad present. You could have explained to her that the two kids were having fun and playing nice together, and asked her what changed? Instead you told your son to basically ignore her. That's not going to go anywhere productive. The two kids are almost the same age, which should make them great playmates...but it doesn't sound as though the girl is getting ANY kind of attention from anyone, then add to that the adults trying to maintain quiet during waking hours, and certain areas of the house being off limits, not a very welcoming "homey" environment is it? There's not a THING wrong with certain rooms being off limits, but what the posters above were trying to tell you is that there seems to be more going on in this arrangement that are the bigger issues.
Personally, if it were me, I'd be annoyed too. You're basically left to be the babysitter, AND the quiet keeper, while pregnant and functioning on very little sleep yourself. The part you don't want to hear is that this little girl is kind of being ignored, what do you expect her to do? Like sm said, that's not HER problem, but rather a problem with the adults in the home not making it a kid-friendly environment for her. Do YOU have some role to play in that? Unfortunately, yes you do...even if you didn't agree to being the daytime caretaker, you are, and you've not said you won't be...so it's partly YOUR job at this point to make sure she's having her needs met. Just try to imagine for a second your son in that environment...with you not there. Be honest with yourself...it would probably really upset you to think that people were only tending to him on a bare minimal level.
It's really nothing to get offended about that the advice was that this is not a good living arrangement. I agree. NO ONE in the home is really benefitting from the situation, with the exception of having a roof over their heads. The little girl can't be happy, you're not real happy, the men probably aren't happy...it's just probably very uncomfortable, and a home shouldn't be uncomfy. For a week? Sure. For months? Not really.
I just can't see how limiting the little girl's access to those rooms is going to solve these problems, because it's not. You're still going to have the other bigger issues that you seem to be having a hard time acknowledging...the noise issue, and you're still going to be responsible for tending to her while the men sleep. And ...just paying her mind only when it's necessary isn't really fair to her. If you can try to leave your emotions out of your reaction to this advice, I think you'd agree. This little girl needs interaction, playtime, etc. I don't think you signed on for all of that, and I think you're resentful that it's falling in your lap. I don't blame you a bit, because I would be too....but then you need to get a little honest with yourself that keeping her out of certain rooms in the house isn't going to solve the issue.
Good luck to you.
Anyways I do apologize for getting angry earlier as I said my hormones have been all over the place lately.
The situation is temporary as my husband told him before we moved in he could stay but that it wouldn't be a permanent situation. I know how it is to be living with other people as my son & I once lived with my mother for a few months 2 years ago. However, we had an agreement prior to us moving in & the only conflicts we had were during our menstruals lol. I guess I'm not used to being somewhere & having someone just come into my room. My son does it on occassion but he's learning the "knock first rule". When I was growing up we always had that rule where we wouldn't go into each other's rooms or that we would knock first before entering. I guess a combination of hormones, being close to my due date, & not being used to certain things is what has me on edge. Thanx
Thank you that's the advice I was looking for. I don't wanna say that he doesn't interact with her because they do spend most of their time down in their space. The last few times she's been here they do go out places but they're here the majority of the time. She's here a few days out of the week & stays on certain weekends. In the beginning when she came up here her & my son often played. I assume he prolly thinks she's either up here playing, in the kitchen, or maybe using the half bathroom which is on the other side of our living room. The good thing is when she goes upstairs she's usually not up there long as I will see her or hear her up there.
Anyway, as I became an adult, I learned what works for me and what doesn't. I stopped having roommates about two years out of college as I liked things my way. I didn't live with anyone until I got married and then accimated to my husband. We now have a household that works for the both of us and our styles. If we were to move in with another family that was different--- it would be uncomfortable. Who needs that aggrevation? We aren't peppy morning people here. If they were early risers and the kids got up and were doing what kids do (make noise) and I wanted to sleep and my kids were sleeping in . . . yes. I'd hate that they were making the noise. But, they live there too and they aren't doing anything wrong. So the best answer is to just live somewhere where I don't have to deal with other styles.
It's clear that isn't an option for you and you don't want to do that. Hopefully this is a temporary situation so that you can have your own place where it is just your family.
But I see this as a problem with the dad moreso than the child. Just my opinion and the last one I'll give (I'm sure you are thankful for that).
It's clear that isn't an option for you and you don't want to do that. Hopefully this is a temporary situation so that you can have your own place where it is just your family.
But I see this as a problem with the dad moreso than the child. Just my opinion and the last one I'll give (I'm sure you are thankful for that).
Okay, so gave you advice to make a rule with the dad that he and his daughter can't go in your room. If you repeatedly ask her and she still does it . . . common sense says NO one is hanging out with her or watching her. She's got a parent in the house. Don't blame her . . . blame a dad who doesn't sound like he interacts much with his kid so she wanders around looking for people to talk to and things to do. She'd probably love to go outside and play or go to the park or something . . .
Those are the only issues that I have because besides that the three of us (hubby, roommate & myself) get along great. I can understand her fascination with wanting to go into the nursery (even though it's not completely done), but being in our bedroom is still a mystery to me.
They have their space to live as they like I just didn't want her being upstairs because 9/10 when she is up there she's in our room. I have no issues with her being here or playing or anything pertaining to that. She is free to roam wherever she wants to but the bedrooms are off limits. Trust me I know I can't have the house quiet all day, I try to keep the noise level down a bit when both men are asleep but it doesn't mean it is possible. That morning I was woken up was especially upsetting because I was running on limited sleep. He's only here for a little while longer so I'm trying to keep the peace. However, I don't wanna feel like I have to lock my bedroom door when she's here or have to repeatedly ask her to please stay out of my room..that's all.
I wouldn't get angry but I don't feel as though your advice was helpful or what I needed. I'm not gonna ask someone to move out because of a discomfort I was having. If the problem could be solved by discussion I was all for taking that step<---that's the advice I was asking for. However, the comments you made did make me angry. I described a problem & what I should do & was basically told my house is oppressive, I don't like her or want her around, I don't allow her to do certain things, & that our roommate should move for his child's emotional well-being. I don't see anywhere in my posts that I was doing anything wrong or harmful to the child. You & I obviously have a difference in opinion & that's fine but your advice felt more like a put down. My emotions have been all over the place & things that never bothered me before have started to. That's why I came on here...to get help. I was already feeling bad for being upset & then it was just made worse. The fact that you believe asking someone to move instead of asking him to please keep his daughter out of our room is a better solution is odd to me. Trust me if I could delete this post I would because venting & asking for advice really got me nowhere.
Okay, I'll give you what you want. Tell her dad that you'd like her to not enter your room. THAT is a reasonable request. Other than that, I don't think you can have the house quiet all day with kids in the house. So, on the note of making a house rule that HE (the dad) and his daughter aren't to enter your private space--- that is a reasonable thing to say to them.
The reason why I don't think it is worse to ask them to leave is that it just isn't working. It's not working for THEM either. His child isn't doing bad things but they irritate you. That doesn't make you a bad person but it causes you aggrevation and them the feeling that maybe she IS doing something bad which is unfortunate (as she is not from what you describe here. She sounds pretty tame.). They need their space to live as they would like and you need yours. In the long run, everyone will be much more happy if you aren't living together.
The reason why I don't think it is worse to ask them to leave is that it just isn't working. It's not working for THEM either. His child isn't doing bad things but they irritate you. That doesn't make you a bad person but it causes you aggrevation and them the feeling that maybe she IS doing something bad which is unfortunate (as she is not from what you describe here. She sounds pretty tame.). They need their space to live as they would like and you need yours. In the long run, everyone will be much more happy if you aren't living together.
It all just sounds odd to me. Good luck (afraid to say much more for fear you will get angry.)
I feel like asking the dad to move out would be worse than asking him to ask his daughter not to go into our room. I was venting but I was also asking for help because I was uncomfortable with a few things. However, the way you responded made me feel like I was the bad guy for being upset about being woken up & her coming into our room. My reason for being upset with how she acted towards my son was because I felt like she was trying to get him trouble. She started playing with him first & when he reciprocated she told her dad on him. Like I said in my earlier posts I haven't said anything because it didn't bother me right away. I don't expect her to change her ways or to act a certain way, but I rightfully feel uncomfortable with anyone (child or not) just coming into my room. It's not like she is around all the time or lives here so besides the above mentioned her presence doesn't bother me. The only advice I wanted was whether I should voice my concerns or keep the peace.
You're making me feel like a bad person by implying that I'm trying to force the child to live or act a certain way. I did say in an earlier post that they were both yelling & didn't realize I left it out the first time so for that I apologize. Both children are allowed to play as they want & I have no issue with how either of them plays. It's when she's coming upstairs to my room when I'm there or not is what I have an issue with. I had no intentions on asking her to live the way I want to live. What I was asking advice for was should I speak to him about her being upstairs in my room or the nursery. The reason I asked her not to go upstairs is because my husband is asleep & when she does go upstairs she usually heads into our room. When my son wandered down into his bedroom awhile back & was in his stuff, he came to me & asked that it not happen again. I had no issue with that because that was his space. My husband or roommate never once said they wanted it to be quiet but just not to be woken up or bothered while they sleep. My husband works 3rd shift because it pays more & with one child here & another coming it's been very helpful. His schedule will be changing next week so he will be up more during the day & so will our roommate. I don't think it's wrong of me to be upset about someone coming into my room at various points. What if myself or my husband were getting dressed or being intimate?
I get hormones. I really do and yes, that could be part of this reaction you are having to the child. You take some things personally and are reacting with emotion that I don't quite understand. It's just not a match and i was trying to encourage you to look at it a different way to see why that is. If you just wanted to vent, fine. But I can think of no other solution that is fair to the child or you other than for the dad to move his daughter and himself out. good luck
The situation isn't working. I never said you were a bad person but I feel sorry for this little girl. You did not say it was early in the morning and you blamed the child only without including that dad was part of the yelling.
I wouldn't function well in your house because it is also respectful for people to be allowed to awake during the day and for kids to be kids. Maybe third shift isn't family friendly and that is something for you and your husband to discuss. I have insomnia myself and understand being tired.
There is no other solution but to ask the dad to move out. I don't think it is fair to ask the child to live just as you want things to be. It is her dad's house too. This isn't a dorm but a home. If the two families have different needs, it's not a match for all to live together. It's really that simple. You two aren't a match to share living quarters. good luck
I wouldn't function well in your house because it is also respectful for people to be allowed to awake during the day and for kids to be kids. Maybe third shift isn't family friendly and that is something for you and your husband to discuss. I have insomnia myself and understand being tired.
There is no other solution but to ask the dad to move out. I don't think it is fair to ask the child to live just as you want things to be. It is her dad's house too. This isn't a dorm but a home. If the two families have different needs, it's not a match for all to live together. It's really that simple. You two aren't a match to share living quarters. good luck
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