How Do I Handle My Daughter's Overwhelming Attachment to Me?

[kara2b]

I am a single mother of an  8-year-old daughter.  From day one, she was extremely attached to me.  I co-slept with her because I was breastfeeding and I remember, even being a newborn, she was able to scoot herself to my side every night.  We have been through some traumatic things together.  My mother, who was her best friend, died when she was only 4-years-old and this was very hard on her for several years.  If I was even 5 minutes late in picking her up from daycare, she'd have a panic attack of sorts, thinking I had died.  During the time she was dealing with this, I was in a short-lived abusive marriage. My daughter was in the room when my ex-husband came in and attacked me in front of her.  She was 5.  We come from a very small family--I only have 2 living sisters. Her Dad has nothing to do with her and has only seen her a handful of times in her life. I have a small circle of friends, all of whom are single parents as well and we don't see one another often, so most of the time, all she has is me to talk to, play with, depend on .  My daughter has no problem making friends, although she is very shy.  For the past week, she has been staying with a friend of mine and her husband a few hours away .  She calls me several times a day bawling her eyes out because she says all she can think of is me, she misses me so much.  She is having panic attacks and has to use an inhaler, she has refused to eat and  has withdrawn from the friends she is staying with, but I can't pick up and leave due to my work schedule..  Is this normal behavior, or is she overly attached to me?  How do I correct this situation?  My income is very low and limited, so I cannot get her into a lot of activities but she is socialized with the kids in the neighborhood.  Should I seek counseling for her?  Please help!

[imanaddict]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother passing away. That must have been really tough! IMO, I believe this is what has caused your daughter to act this way, not to mention the abuse she witnessed. She's afraid of losing the only person left in her life that she truly loves. I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with her, she just needs a hobby. Maybe check out your local YMCA, or put her in Brownies. Anything that doesn't cost a lot of money. I can certainly understand about living paycheck to paycheck! Try your best to make sure she knows she isn't "annoying" you and let her give you all the love she wants. In a few years when she's a teen,  you'll be begging for her to pay attention to you again =)

If it starts to look as if there is something else going on with her, taking her to a Dr. never hurts! I wish you both the best!

[kara2b]

Thank you so much for your input.  I will try to seek professional help for her when she gets back, although I don't believe in putting children on mind-altering medications.  I know I had a very deep bond with my mother as well and it is natural for mothers/daughters to have that attachment.  I just know this kind of attachment is not healthy and want what is best for her.  Thank you again for your advice!

[Encephalomalcia]

Some children are like this especially daughters with moms.  My daughters are also very attached and we have a strong bond.  I have noticed that once my daughters turned age 12, that they are more interested in their friends and wanting me around less.  It was a change that happened naturally.  

[jdtm]

I suspect your daughter suffers from anxiety - perhaps separation and/or generalized anxiety.  Anxiety is an inherited trait and it appears that you have been aware of her issues since birth (although you might not have known the actual name).  Life experiences can exacerbate this disorder; but the cause is usually genetic.

The first step is always to contact your family doctor.  If he/she is unable to help you, then ask for a referral to a medical specialist with experience in anxiety disorders.  If anxiety is the issue, you will require a medical professional; not a counsellor.  I  might suggest you google the phrase "anxiety and children" or "separation anxiety" or similar words/phrases to become educated on this matter.  There are many downloads and articles on the internet as well as book titles which can help you.

If anxiety is the issue, I assure you that your daughter will not outgrow it nor will it go away.  Anxiety is a very common mental health issue and highly treatable.  I wish you the best ....