My step-daughter lies about everything and even the small stuff.

[Camboat16]

Her dad and I are up in arms because any kind of punishment she does not care about anything so we don't know a consequence. I work in day care and I have never met a child like this who has no remorse. Just yesterday her dad turned around and saw her hit her brother. She said I didn't hit him. He said I saw you with my own eyes hit him. She just said no I didn't. This is an on going thing. Even if we see her do something she says she didn't do it. We don't know what to do.

[specialmom]

I agree what the other posts.  I do wonder about her age.  Most kids that are young lie so they don't get in trouble.  They aren't devious, manipulating the situation and other more mature things that evil adults do.  They are simply acting on an impulse and then not wanting to be in trouble----  AGAIN for it (as she sounds in trouble a lot at home.).

I really like the idea of finding other ways of motivating her that are not punitive.  Look for every little thing you can to praise her.  And lavish it.  She needs to feel like she is adored and liked in her own home rather than a 'problem'.  You'll get far better behavior and then she will trust you enough to be honest with you when she messes up as all kids do.  I don't condone hitting but she's not the first sister to whop her annoying little sibling.  Impulse control to use better ways of communicating would be the goal and that can often be helped with role modeling.  If parents yell, spank, etc.--  you do often have kids that mimic that as their go to way of dealing with a situation.  So, role model what she CAN do when upset.  Sometimes looking at things from a kid's point of view can be insightful.

It's hard to blend families.  I hope this all works out and everyone can be happy.  good luck

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie's questions,  and have some other thoughts.

Since you work in a daycare,  I'm sure you have a variety of "tools" to aid with behavior besides punishment.  I never like to read a post where a caregiver is asking for more and more creative ways to make a child suffer because all the ones previously employed haven't changed her behavior.

So this question is key.  When you are concerned about a behavior,  ask yourself,  "do I want revenge,  or do I want to change her behavior?"  (The answer,  truthfully is usually, "I want revenge and I want that to change the behavior").  

So.  With a behavior like hitting a brother,  ask yourself (yourself,  not her) why she did that.  And you can't say "there is no reason" because there is a reason whether it's a rational one or not.  The reason could be that he splattered food on her,  he grabbed the crayon she intended to use,  he gets to live there full time with her dad and she is shuttled between two houses and she's hurt about that.  You have to be honest when you look at a reason for behavior - maybe your husband would be the best one to ask because of your relationship with her.

Secondly,  don't get into an argument with her over something you saw her do. "Why did you hit your brother" "I didn't" "Yes you did" "I didn't" "I just saw you hit him with my own eyes!!!!" is not coming from a position of power.  The position of power would be to immediately rectify the situation,  without asking that she agree she did the hitting.  Because she did.  So the consequence - maybe she has to leave the room for 5 minutes after hitting him,  depending on the severity,  etc.  But don't get into an argument where she is allowed to say she didn't do something you saw her do.

I'm curious - do others feel the same way about her,  or does her paternal family believe her behavior is normal,  and they enjoy her?

[AnnieBrooke]

How old is the child?  How disrupted has her life been?  Have you seen a family counselor with your husband to talk about the child and the dynamics in the house?