Aa
I have a 7 year that is just getting worst..please help
Well its nice to see that I'm not the only that is going through tough times with my little one, and I sympathize with everyone on this post that goes through this. I have a 7 year old that has been giving me dicipline problems in school since 1st grade, he is now starting the second grade and the problems have just escalated. I am sooooo frusterated school started 4 weeks ago and he has been suspended twice for a total of 6 days, because he gets angry and throws things, tells the teacher no, is mean to the other kids. I sat in a meeting yesterday with the teachers and staff members of the school that are helping me in trying to find a solution. He is gonna be getting tested, he is very smart the teachers say but his anger interferes with his learning. I just really want some words of encouragement all I hear is negative things about him all the time, im just so overwhelmed, he is my heart i love him so much and it hurts me to see him having such a hard time and i dont know what is the problem. I am now expecting another child his first sibling and I am trying to not get stressed for the baby sake but its so hard to have a child suffering and u cant do anything I feel so helpless...
Your plan sounds like a good one--more time with him will help.
The bio dad sounds like he "might" be someone who yells, has a temper and acts impulsively. If that too is what is modeled for him at bio dad's place or even when he talks to bio dad, he will begin to act the same way because he wants to desperately to keep a link between him and his bio dad and this is one way of doing it.
It does sound like too that your son is having a very difficult time with figuring out how he "fits" into the new picture with your finance. He might even resent the fact that you are getting married and he is probably not old enough to recognize that your new guy is stable or good. Your son is probably struggling with his feelings of love for his bio dad and he may be rying to protect him and remain loyal to him. It is hard for kids to realize that they can love more than one parent or other adults who are in the picture now.
He is mimicking the behavior of his bio dad too because deep down he might want to "scare" off the new guy and then he can have to all to himself. And, if he gets angry enough that he has to be sent home from school--then he gets what he is craving--attention. Even if it is negative attention, he has that attention. Reward him with praise every small step he makes with his behavior--show him that positive attention is what he really wants.
I would let your son know that it is ok that he loves his bio dad, even if you feel differently, let him be able to express his love and validate his feelings. Never talk bad about bio dad in front of him or strangely enough, he'll wind up resenting you.
Also, it is hard for a little guy to be loyal to him when deep down if the bio dad is angry, he is confused as to how to love someone who hurts him with their words.
Let him know that you completely understand how hard it is for him to be seeing you get remarried, that he still will be number one in your life and that he can count on you. He also wants to please you but he also does not want to attach himself to new guy in case he turns out like his bio dad or in case the new guy disappears. He is shielding himself from getting hurt all over again. And he is probably worried he doesn't have a place in the family because you are having a baby that is yours and your finance's child...this is very threatening to a child who is probably used to having you all to himself... He is worried about being replaced.
in some ways they also try to protect mom from any future hurt and they carry the weight around with them--let him know that no matter what he truly is your priority and give him permission to cry, to be a kid (he doesn't have to be the man of the household) and to express his disappointment about you and the bio dad not being together or his fears that the new guy will become as the old guy was and he will get yelled at by the new man. Validate every emotion he is having.
He probably does not even want to be a big brother right now because he just wants to spend the time with you....
Also, don't parent out of guilt--you might have been 19 when you had him, but you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Don't stress yourself out over it either. The fact you are trying to figure it out shows that you are a caring and concerned parent.
Don't let your finance do too much disciplining--you must be the parent who does hand that out until your son is really adjusted to his new father.
You are on the right track and it honestly is never too late to turn this around. I have seen this same scenario A LOT with the kids I teach and they are just burdened with things that they don't understand that they should not be burdened with. This is actually very normal behavior and a normal reaction because he is too young to really voice what he is thinking because he might not even know himself what is going on inside his heart and mind. On a good note, it shows he is sensitive, recognizes that there will be changes in his life and he is trying the best he can to tell you his hurting--he just has chosen the wrong method of doing it.
Going out with him and spending as much alone time with him as possible will make a world of difference....all the best with this, I will pray it all works out for you and that you will get answers and a solution to all of this.
The bio dad sounds like he "might" be someone who yells, has a temper and acts impulsively. If that too is what is modeled for him at bio dad's place or even when he talks to bio dad, he will begin to act the same way because he wants to desperately to keep a link between him and his bio dad and this is one way of doing it.
It does sound like too that your son is having a very difficult time with figuring out how he "fits" into the new picture with your finance. He might even resent the fact that you are getting married and he is probably not old enough to recognize that your new guy is stable or good. Your son is probably struggling with his feelings of love for his bio dad and he may be rying to protect him and remain loyal to him. It is hard for kids to realize that they can love more than one parent or other adults who are in the picture now.
He is mimicking the behavior of his bio dad too because deep down he might want to "scare" off the new guy and then he can have to all to himself. And, if he gets angry enough that he has to be sent home from school--then he gets what he is craving--attention. Even if it is negative attention, he has that attention. Reward him with praise every small step he makes with his behavior--show him that positive attention is what he really wants.
I would let your son know that it is ok that he loves his bio dad, even if you feel differently, let him be able to express his love and validate his feelings. Never talk bad about bio dad in front of him or strangely enough, he'll wind up resenting you.
Also, it is hard for a little guy to be loyal to him when deep down if the bio dad is angry, he is confused as to how to love someone who hurts him with their words.
Let him know that you completely understand how hard it is for him to be seeing you get remarried, that he still will be number one in your life and that he can count on you. He also wants to please you but he also does not want to attach himself to new guy in case he turns out like his bio dad or in case the new guy disappears. He is shielding himself from getting hurt all over again. And he is probably worried he doesn't have a place in the family because you are having a baby that is yours and your finance's child...this is very threatening to a child who is probably used to having you all to himself... He is worried about being replaced.
in some ways they also try to protect mom from any future hurt and they carry the weight around with them--let him know that no matter what he truly is your priority and give him permission to cry, to be a kid (he doesn't have to be the man of the household) and to express his disappointment about you and the bio dad not being together or his fears that the new guy will become as the old guy was and he will get yelled at by the new man. Validate every emotion he is having.
He probably does not even want to be a big brother right now because he just wants to spend the time with you....
Also, don't parent out of guilt--you might have been 19 when you had him, but you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Don't stress yourself out over it either. The fact you are trying to figure it out shows that you are a caring and concerned parent.
Don't let your finance do too much disciplining--you must be the parent who does hand that out until your son is really adjusted to his new father.
You are on the right track and it honestly is never too late to turn this around. I have seen this same scenario A LOT with the kids I teach and they are just burdened with things that they don't understand that they should not be burdened with. This is actually very normal behavior and a normal reaction because he is too young to really voice what he is thinking because he might not even know himself what is going on inside his heart and mind. On a good note, it shows he is sensitive, recognizes that there will be changes in his life and he is trying the best he can to tell you his hurting--he just has chosen the wrong method of doing it.
Going out with him and spending as much alone time with him as possible will make a world of difference....all the best with this, I will pray it all works out for you and that you will get answers and a solution to all of this.
your words bring tears, I need to hear encouringing words. I am not married to his father we actually never been together after he was born so he never saw us as a couple. He is in touch with him a lot which might be some of the problem because his father has anger problems himself that he is working with, at times my son has stated that he is just like his father and this is why he is this way. Im just gonna keep working with him and be patient I have faith that things will turn around and hopefully his therapist can get to the root of why he is so angry because he doesnt really express to me what is going on, maybe she has better techniques to get him to open up. I have thought of abuse and its scares me I really hope that is not the case becasue I dont know what I would do. I just hope that i can learn some better techniques from the therapist also because I know I havent been the perfect parent for him either, I had him when I was 19 and we pretty much learned together how to parent. I am now engaged not married and my fiancee tries to talk with him and he does listen and has respect for him but its when he is in school that things turn into chaos, I want him and his new little brother to be close I try and talk to him how important he going to be in the baby's life because he is going to be a big brother and thats a big resposibility he is going to have someone looking up to him. I also have put him in an sfter school karate program which his counselor suggested might be good for him to be in a positive enviroment after school instead of coming home and just playing with the neighborhood kids. Im ttying everything in my power but Im not giving up on him.... Thank you guys again for your response and I will definelty take some of the suggetions that you have mentioned into consideration. One thing that I am gonna start doing with him is going on dates just me and him, we use to do that and we stopped because of all the problems but maybe he is missing that one on one time with just him and I.
Are you married to his father, and the father of this baby you are carrying? If so, what does your husband say?
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your statement, "he is my heart" is striking.
God bless you in your quest to find him help. Being a parent means you agree to let your heart walk around outside your body.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your statement, "he is my heart" is striking.
God bless you in your quest to find him help. Being a parent means you agree to let your heart walk around outside your body.
The good thing is that he is getting tested right now--you never know, there may be something there, learning wise, that is frustrating him and maybe the tests will reveal some answers.
That said, here are a few other things you can try:
Does he have a father in his life and what is his father's role in his life? The reason I ask this is because boys have a really tough time if their father is not a good role model or really involved. It can make for an angry little boy. Not all kids react the same way or are as sensitive, so perhaps his acting out is a way to express his feelings. If he does not have a good father figure, I would suggest you look into getting another close relative who would be a good role model to get involved in his life.
Next..
Have you moved recently? Has he had a loss in his life? Any of these things or even a change in routine or a change from seeing someone he loves (i.e. grandma no longer visits) can really wreck havoc. One other thing to consider (and hopefully this is not the case) but..is there any chance that he has been abused? Any sort of abuse can have dire consequences. It could be something you have no idea about.
Next, I would also look into simple things that can cause behavior changes such as food and sleep patterns. Even a half our of sleep difference can be huge in a kid's life and it will show at school.
Lastly....
Be REALLY consistent and follow through with your rules and consequences for his behavior. Kids try and find where you are weakest and if they can break you or if they can bend the rules, it makes it worse--he probably needs the security and stability of knowing that the consequences are the same each and every time. Make a list of things he loves to do and then get him to work towards these things using it as a reward system. On the flip side, let him know that privileges are something to be earned and they are just that--privileges. Consequences for poor choices can be a loss of privileges or time out or both. With a child who is easily frustrated, make sure the rules ahead of time are very, very clear. Never respond with a harsh word, but be very firm. Repeat yourself if you need to in a calm voice--the whole broken record technique.
I also would get the school and you to put together a behavior plan in which the rewards are across the board--in other words, he can earn points at school or tokens at school that can be exchanged for something he would like to do at home.
As well, make sure you spend a ton of time with him--he may just be wanting your time and affection and he has no way of asking for it. Kids are smart enough too to sense another baby is on the way and he knows already that that might mean his time with you will have to be shared.
And, every time he does something good, praise him for it. Give him as much encouragement as possible.
Kids are never angry without a reason. He either has something learning wise that has gone undetected until now or else he is hurting deep down. Anger is a response to fear or hurt or both. I would be betting that deep down he is a kind, sensitive boy who is just misguided and hurt right now. He can't learn or be the smart boy he is if he is so angry all the time. I am a teacher and I have seen a lot of kids who have been really angry and each time there has been a reason for it. Kids are just not that way without a cause so don't think it is your son. Try and separate your son from his behavior. Let him know that while his behavior is not acceptable, he himself is wonderful. And, give him tools for when he gets angry--he needs to have a safe outlet. Talk to the school about a stress ball or a special weighted jacket (which also works for children with Autism) and about some sort of behavior tracking and rewards system. As well, get him to draw pictures or write what words he can as much as possible. You might see interesting things in those pictures that will give you some clues to what is happening in his mind and heart.
It can be solved and he won't always be like this if you can find the root of his troubles. He is just a hurting and scared little boy.
I hope this helps.
That said, here are a few other things you can try:
Does he have a father in his life and what is his father's role in his life? The reason I ask this is because boys have a really tough time if their father is not a good role model or really involved. It can make for an angry little boy. Not all kids react the same way or are as sensitive, so perhaps his acting out is a way to express his feelings. If he does not have a good father figure, I would suggest you look into getting another close relative who would be a good role model to get involved in his life.
Next..
Have you moved recently? Has he had a loss in his life? Any of these things or even a change in routine or a change from seeing someone he loves (i.e. grandma no longer visits) can really wreck havoc. One other thing to consider (and hopefully this is not the case) but..is there any chance that he has been abused? Any sort of abuse can have dire consequences. It could be something you have no idea about.
Next, I would also look into simple things that can cause behavior changes such as food and sleep patterns. Even a half our of sleep difference can be huge in a kid's life and it will show at school.
Lastly....
Be REALLY consistent and follow through with your rules and consequences for his behavior. Kids try and find where you are weakest and if they can break you or if they can bend the rules, it makes it worse--he probably needs the security and stability of knowing that the consequences are the same each and every time. Make a list of things he loves to do and then get him to work towards these things using it as a reward system. On the flip side, let him know that privileges are something to be earned and they are just that--privileges. Consequences for poor choices can be a loss of privileges or time out or both. With a child who is easily frustrated, make sure the rules ahead of time are very, very clear. Never respond with a harsh word, but be very firm. Repeat yourself if you need to in a calm voice--the whole broken record technique.
I also would get the school and you to put together a behavior plan in which the rewards are across the board--in other words, he can earn points at school or tokens at school that can be exchanged for something he would like to do at home.
As well, make sure you spend a ton of time with him--he may just be wanting your time and affection and he has no way of asking for it. Kids are smart enough too to sense another baby is on the way and he knows already that that might mean his time with you will have to be shared.
And, every time he does something good, praise him for it. Give him as much encouragement as possible.
Kids are never angry without a reason. He either has something learning wise that has gone undetected until now or else he is hurting deep down. Anger is a response to fear or hurt or both. I would be betting that deep down he is a kind, sensitive boy who is just misguided and hurt right now. He can't learn or be the smart boy he is if he is so angry all the time. I am a teacher and I have seen a lot of kids who have been really angry and each time there has been a reason for it. Kids are just not that way without a cause so don't think it is your son. Try and separate your son from his behavior. Let him know that while his behavior is not acceptable, he himself is wonderful. And, give him tools for when he gets angry--he needs to have a safe outlet. Talk to the school about a stress ball or a special weighted jacket (which also works for children with Autism) and about some sort of behavior tracking and rewards system. As well, get him to draw pictures or write what words he can as much as possible. You might see interesting things in those pictures that will give you some clues to what is happening in his mind and heart.
It can be solved and he won't always be like this if you can find the root of his troubles. He is just a hurting and scared little boy.
I hope this helps.
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