Aa
help with my 14 year old
We have 4 boys and our youngest is 14.He gets good grades,his teachers consider him a smart kid. He plays baseball and is a good player but the past few years he went from being a kid that had friends with a little of an attitude and now he is nothing but attitude. He wont listen at all,even on the field( i am 1 of his coaches) He wont listen and if i say anything to him( i treat him just like the other 12 kids) He yells at me. His hair is long and he has bad hygiene habits. We have to remind him to take a shower and use soap and brush his teeth and he yells that he "knows he has to do it) On the weekends we have to force him to stay clean and change his clothes..He has no problem wearing the same socks and underwear for days. We never had this kind of trouble with our other boys.
It was a big fight tonight to get him off the computer and wash his greasy smelly hair so he could get a haircut. if we take him to a salon its nothing but problems...he says he does not need a haircut and causes problems. A few weeks ago he came after me in anger and i had to push him back and then the screaming started as he said i was abusing him. his life is nothing but playing games on the computer. He has to share time with 2 of his brothers and will just watch tv. He never goes out to play. This has really started over the winter but this lack of outside time was not a concern as we live in the northeast. I
I have coached him for 5 years and for the most part it has been a joy but now i cant stand to go to a game or even practice. He is a starting pitcher and when he does not do well i talk to him calmly but he still gets angry. Tonight is the last straw for me.I am calling our family Dr. in the morning but he already said he will cause a big problem if he has to see a Dr. I know he needs help but its getting very difficult to want to help him. I love my boys and our youngest has made us proud on many levels. He gets honor roll at school, He is a great baseball player and i enjoy( except for this year) coaching him. If i say its blue...he says its green. I understand that kids have phases but he is pushing all the wrong buttons with us. i went from having a great relationship with my son and now its hard to be around him. I feel like somehow i did a good job with 3 of my kids but with our youngest its just the opposite. we love our son with all our heart just like every parent does but he is just a problem child now
It was a big fight tonight to get him off the computer and wash his greasy smelly hair so he could get a haircut. if we take him to a salon its nothing but problems...he says he does not need a haircut and causes problems. A few weeks ago he came after me in anger and i had to push him back and then the screaming started as he said i was abusing him. his life is nothing but playing games on the computer. He has to share time with 2 of his brothers and will just watch tv. He never goes out to play. This has really started over the winter but this lack of outside time was not a concern as we live in the northeast. I
I have coached him for 5 years and for the most part it has been a joy but now i cant stand to go to a game or even practice. He is a starting pitcher and when he does not do well i talk to him calmly but he still gets angry. Tonight is the last straw for me.I am calling our family Dr. in the morning but he already said he will cause a big problem if he has to see a Dr. I know he needs help but its getting very difficult to want to help him. I love my boys and our youngest has made us proud on many levels. He gets honor roll at school, He is a great baseball player and i enjoy( except for this year) coaching him. If i say its blue...he says its green. I understand that kids have phases but he is pushing all the wrong buttons with us. i went from having a great relationship with my son and now its hard to be around him. I feel like somehow i did a good job with 3 of my kids but with our youngest its just the opposite. we love our son with all our heart just like every parent does but he is just a problem child now
I agree with jdtm your response was inappropriate ,the advice is the opinions of parents and others with connections to children ,I suggest you look within the dynamics in your home for answers you seek .
Your comments to anniebrooke were inappropriate. When you post on this site, you pay nothing for the advice (and most of it is given in goodwill as a "service" to others). Often our advice is wrong (but this can be due to the limited information the poster shares); in which case, you simply ignore it. Being rude helps no one.
you have credit for 138 best answers. how many hours a day do you spend on line on here. If you have 138 best answers i am sure you have a few hundred or so answers that were not best..GO GET A LIFE you friggin loser
There is not even a chance that he is doing drugs and about the coaching thing. This is his 5th year playing. I coach 1 of his teams,Last year he played on 5 teams during the year,(he plays from March to October). We never ask him to play,He really loves the game and he is good at it. Baseball is always his choice, He comes to us with paperwork.
I am not the head coach for any of his teams and as of 3 years ago i am not the head coach.I have no say in when or where he plays. I made sure that the other coaches know that i am not going to have any say about his playing ball. Its always been up to him if he wants to play.
There is no other team he could play on. Its a 5 town league and you have to live in that town to play. All i do now is help with practice and i coach first base. I don't yell at him on the field...That's the job for the head coach. My son is having a unbelievable season. In 12 games he popped up 1 time and his batting average is over 700. as a starting pitcher he is 3 wins 0 losses. This is not the first teenager we raised. I do not think that baseball is the only "wholesome thing he is doing" If he said he did not want to play baseball ever again...thats ok with me. Over the years i had kids on the team that did not want to play, could not play but felt forced to play because it was what their wanted them to do. I enjoy coaching and love watching my son play but its just a game and its just 5 hours a week.
Reading the replies here it seems there are people here that have every answer to every question. I raised 4 boys and all 4 have been honor roll students. 2 have graduated,one is in 11th grade and the 3 oldest were all in Jrotc. Last year my 17 year old was the only recruit to receive 5 awards. The 2 older boys have good jobs, drive new cars and they both have their own homes. I will talk to our family Dr. but i think it was a mistake to come here. Rockrose did not write a book telling me where i went wrong. It was a small paragraph and i read so much into her reply. annie, i bet that you come to this web page daily and send out a lot of replies. you remind me of my grandmother. I remember as a child before i knew how to swim my Nana would go into great detail about how you just had to move your arms and kick your feet...It was so simple for Nana to explain the concept to me....Nana never learned to swim. annie,do not reply. it will be a waste of time as i will will not come back to this web page. You go tell someone else how to swim.
You know what..REPLY. Spend the whole day telling me how wrong i am and how smart you are. I bet you have 1 kid,your divorced 1 or 2 times and if your kid is over 18...i bet he/she does not even call you. take your time and make your 2nd reply REAL LOOOONG.
Rockrose... Thank you very much for your reply. the computer is a sore spot and he does spend a good amount of time playing games. I am outta here
We have 4 children and we have never compared 1 to the other. I have always enjoyed the fact that each of them is their own person
I am not the head coach for any of his teams and as of 3 years ago i am not the head coach.I have no say in when or where he plays. I made sure that the other coaches know that i am not going to have any say about his playing ball. Its always been up to him if he wants to play.
There is no other team he could play on. Its a 5 town league and you have to live in that town to play. All i do now is help with practice and i coach first base. I don't yell at him on the field...That's the job for the head coach. My son is having a unbelievable season. In 12 games he popped up 1 time and his batting average is over 700. as a starting pitcher he is 3 wins 0 losses. This is not the first teenager we raised. I do not think that baseball is the only "wholesome thing he is doing" If he said he did not want to play baseball ever again...thats ok with me. Over the years i had kids on the team that did not want to play, could not play but felt forced to play because it was what their wanted them to do. I enjoy coaching and love watching my son play but its just a game and its just 5 hours a week.
Reading the replies here it seems there are people here that have every answer to every question. I raised 4 boys and all 4 have been honor roll students. 2 have graduated,one is in 11th grade and the 3 oldest were all in Jrotc. Last year my 17 year old was the only recruit to receive 5 awards. The 2 older boys have good jobs, drive new cars and they both have their own homes. I will talk to our family Dr. but i think it was a mistake to come here. Rockrose did not write a book telling me where i went wrong. It was a small paragraph and i read so much into her reply. annie, i bet that you come to this web page daily and send out a lot of replies. you remind me of my grandmother. I remember as a child before i knew how to swim my Nana would go into great detail about how you just had to move your arms and kick your feet...It was so simple for Nana to explain the concept to me....Nana never learned to swim. annie,do not reply. it will be a waste of time as i will will not come back to this web page. You go tell someone else how to swim.
You know what..REPLY. Spend the whole day telling me how wrong i am and how smart you are. I bet you have 1 kid,your divorced 1 or 2 times and if your kid is over 18...i bet he/she does not even call you. take your time and make your 2nd reply REAL LOOOONG.
Rockrose... Thank you very much for your reply. the computer is a sore spot and he does spend a good amount of time playing games. I am outta here
We have 4 children and we have never compared 1 to the other. I have always enjoyed the fact that each of them is their own person
Oops, I don't know what I did with that sentence! "watching other teens through their addictions". I've actually personally known 3 other boys who completely shut down - one for a couple years which has pretty much ruined his potential in life since he sat in an apartment and played that stupid game for 2 years after graduating with a GED, and did zero else during that time.
You say he is the youngest how does he get on with the older boys sometimes in a family there is a lot of rivalry and competition,I do get the feeling reading your post that he is picked on somewhat ..?
Parent-and-child is a two-way street, a partnership dance. It's not all about the child being "bad" or "good." Some thoughts, not in order of importance:
It sounds more like teenage separation and rebellion, but there is a chance it could be drugs. Do you have a reliable way to know it's not?
If drugs are not the issue (and frankly, I assume not), please be aware evolutionary biologists have figured out that between the ages of 12 and 20 or so, kids in families are biologically programmed to separate from the original nuclear family, and this genetically programmed command hits some kids a lot harder than others. (Along with everything else, it makes teens very crabby. And blamey -- after all, if one's parents have always been responsible for things, emotionally it might just seem that they are also to be blamed for this irritating mood.)
If he feels like he "has to do everything you tell him to do," baseball with you as the coach sounds like a straw that breaks the camel's back. I know you'll probably think that it is the only wholesome thing he is doing, but he's trying to put some limits out there where you can't tell him what to do. I would offer him the chance to play for a different team, graciously (not "I can't stand you and am kicking you off the team," but "I think you would get a lot out of being coached by x, and am wondering if you would like to shift to their team.")
Don't compare him to his siblings, even positively. Every child is different and has the right to grow at his own pace without being judged against rivals.
If you're tired of his greasy hair, set up some social events in which there are lovely girls around his age. Do any of your friends have pretty daughters or cousins visiting for the summer? The hair would get washed by the second time they were over for a barbeque
He was probably mad at the suggestion about the doctor because he felt you were telling him that there is something terribly wrong with him, (and in fact he might be pretty normal for this age, at least for some teenagers.) Nobody likes to be called abnormal, and it really smarts when the label comes from one's parent, who is supposed to be on his side after all. He shrieked and screamed about it because in a lot of ways someone his age is still just a child emotionally, but the fact is, he was probably insulted, and maybe even kind of scared too.
Go see a therapist who deals with teenagers (without your child), explain what's happening and ask for advice. (My therapist told me once that in the teen years, it's ALL about boundaries.) Also, talk to the therapist about how to keep from getting your buttons pushed by his behavior.
There are also some really excellent books on raising teenagers, and on raising boys. Look them up on Amazon and read the reviews, and pick the best sounding couple of books, and read them. You'll be amazed at some of the good information.
Talk to friends who have teenage boys. Don't be proud, if you think a kid seems like he's sailing through this stage when your son is not, ask the parents what they do and think and how they treat their son about choices like hair and attitude and sports and all. You might learn a different approach that helps.
Try to interest him (without seeming too invested in the outcome) in things that are bigger than a teenager, like volunteering for social causes (counseling at Outdoor School, building houses at Habitat for Humanity, political campaigns, whatever is nearby that he qualifies for and can do without you and might ring his bell).
In other words, using all resources at your command, work out ways to treat your kid, even in his sulky, greasy, rebellious state, as an autonomous person. Command-and-control isn't working, so try something else. If an approach is not working, change it. If it isn't working, for you or for him, change it.
A teenager is both sensitive about his autonomy and still needing the guardrails on the highway that you provide. This is a transitional stage and varies almost from month to month. It will pass, even if it drives you crazy in the meantime.
It sounds more like teenage separation and rebellion, but there is a chance it could be drugs. Do you have a reliable way to know it's not?
If drugs are not the issue (and frankly, I assume not), please be aware evolutionary biologists have figured out that between the ages of 12 and 20 or so, kids in families are biologically programmed to separate from the original nuclear family, and this genetically programmed command hits some kids a lot harder than others. (Along with everything else, it makes teens very crabby. And blamey -- after all, if one's parents have always been responsible for things, emotionally it might just seem that they are also to be blamed for this irritating mood.)
If he feels like he "has to do everything you tell him to do," baseball with you as the coach sounds like a straw that breaks the camel's back. I know you'll probably think that it is the only wholesome thing he is doing, but he's trying to put some limits out there where you can't tell him what to do. I would offer him the chance to play for a different team, graciously (not "I can't stand you and am kicking you off the team," but "I think you would get a lot out of being coached by x, and am wondering if you would like to shift to their team.")
Don't compare him to his siblings, even positively. Every child is different and has the right to grow at his own pace without being judged against rivals.
If you're tired of his greasy hair, set up some social events in which there are lovely girls around his age. Do any of your friends have pretty daughters or cousins visiting for the summer? The hair would get washed by the second time they were over for a barbeque
He was probably mad at the suggestion about the doctor because he felt you were telling him that there is something terribly wrong with him, (and in fact he might be pretty normal for this age, at least for some teenagers.) Nobody likes to be called abnormal, and it really smarts when the label comes from one's parent, who is supposed to be on his side after all. He shrieked and screamed about it because in a lot of ways someone his age is still just a child emotionally, but the fact is, he was probably insulted, and maybe even kind of scared too.
Go see a therapist who deals with teenagers (without your child), explain what's happening and ask for advice. (My therapist told me once that in the teen years, it's ALL about boundaries.) Also, talk to the therapist about how to keep from getting your buttons pushed by his behavior.
There are also some really excellent books on raising teenagers, and on raising boys. Look them up on Amazon and read the reviews, and pick the best sounding couple of books, and read them. You'll be amazed at some of the good information.
Talk to friends who have teenage boys. Don't be proud, if you think a kid seems like he's sailing through this stage when your son is not, ask the parents what they do and think and how they treat their son about choices like hair and attitude and sports and all. You might learn a different approach that helps.
Try to interest him (without seeming too invested in the outcome) in things that are bigger than a teenager, like volunteering for social causes (counseling at Outdoor School, building houses at Habitat for Humanity, political campaigns, whatever is nearby that he qualifies for and can do without you and might ring his bell).
In other words, using all resources at your command, work out ways to treat your kid, even in his sulky, greasy, rebellious state, as an autonomous person. Command-and-control isn't working, so try something else. If an approach is not working, change it. If it isn't working, for you or for him, change it.
A teenager is both sensitive about his autonomy and still needing the guardrails on the highway that you provide. This is a transitional stage and varies almost from month to month. It will pass, even if it drives you crazy in the meantime.
COMMUNITY LEADER
"IF" he still is getting top grades in school. And still has friends. And the teachers say that he doesn't talk back to them ( well, after they have established the rules, whose boss, etc.), then this is more a problem of him being the youngest kid. Being intelligent, testing his bounds. Ya, its a home thing. If he is having any of the problems I mentioned above, then its possibly a lot more.
I would take him to the family doctor. Heck, I would make him go to a psychologist. You need someone to mediate. He also needs to know that you are concerned and you mean business. If he is not having problems in school, it is because they are very consistent, and very immediate, very structured (well, the good ones are). The essentially is what you are going to have to do.
I had the joy of coaching my kids in soccer for many years (my son through U-16 club), and really understand the pain you are going through.
I will add, that if his teachers are seeing any of the problems that you are seeing, I wouldn't hesitate to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Sometimes, things can go horribly wrong at this age. Hopefully, he is just stretching his boundaries which maybe you allowed to go a bit lax cause he was the young, smart kid.
I would take him to the family doctor. Heck, I would make him go to a psychologist. You need someone to mediate. He also needs to know that you are concerned and you mean business. If he is not having problems in school, it is because they are very consistent, and very immediate, very structured (well, the good ones are). The essentially is what you are going to have to do.
I had the joy of coaching my kids in soccer for many years (my son through U-16 club), and really understand the pain you are going through.
I will add, that if his teachers are seeing any of the problems that you are seeing, I wouldn't hesitate to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Sometimes, things can go horribly wrong at this age. Hopefully, he is just stretching his boundaries which maybe you allowed to go a bit lax cause he was the young, smart kid.
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Those games rearrange the boy's thought patterns. I know that sounds WEIRD to say, but the power those games have over adolescent minds is like meth.
Best wishes. If those are what he's playing (as opposed to the Sims or something similar, which is pretty benign) I think you need to close out his account and not allow him to play. Ever. And after a month or so you'll see him become interested in what normal boys are interested in.