strange behavior with father and 8 yr daughter

[divorcedmom481]

My ex-husband has been massaging our daughters butt every time he sees her.  It lasts for about 5 seconds and its with both hands.  It makes me feel uncomfortable but I thought well maybe he is just messing around.  He always tells her that her butt is so little and cute.  It happened again today when he came by and my Mom was babysitting.  My Mom then asked her nicely "do you like when your Dad touches your butt like that?"  She said "no" but It is normal I guess.  She also asked my Mom to NOT tell me.  I have no idea how to handle this.  Now to give a little extra info, my daughter asked me last year why her step-sister (my ex is remarried) showers with her underwear on.  I asked if daddy comes into the bathroom during showers and she said yes.  Her step sister was 10 at the time.  My daughter said he would just sprinkle cold water on them or play jokes on them when one or both were showering.
While I was married to him, he used to watch alot of teen porn, goto strip clubs during lunch (alone), and some other things that lead us to divorce.  
He is also a policeman and is pretty controlling.  Can you please direct me on how to handle this?
Thank you for your time.

[allmymarbles]

Tell him to cut it out. That fathers are not allowed to fondle their daughters in that manner.

In other words, bring this out in the open. He may not know that people are taking note. Of course, that does not mean that his instincts will change. Instruct your daughter as to her privacy rights, no matter who is concerned.

[specialmom]

Good.  Hopefully that will solve the problem!  We have to be protective of our kids but also help them along the way to do what they need to do for their comfort level with all people (including Dad sometimes).  

good luck and have a good day!

[divorcedmom481]

Thank you for your input.  I see my kids naked and don't think anything sexual either.  I am sure you are right about him also but I just get nervous because of his behaviors when we were married.  I just become so protective you know?  He grabs her butt when he sees her and or when she is walking by.  I have seen him in the past so it helped me open the conversation today.
I asked her if he still does it and she said yes and I asked if she doesn't like it so much and she shook her head yes.  Sooo I told her that sometimes people need to learn what makes the other person feel comfortable and uncomfortable and in this case she has to tell him she doesn't like it.  She said ok.  Sooo I do feel better about that and again thank you.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, I'm in the bathroom all the time with my two sons age almost 8 and 9.  That is not odd to me.  When you don't see your children as 'sexual'--- their being naked in front of you is no big deal.  

I don't know if his grabbing her butt and telling her it is cute is playful and silly or something else.  I'm guessing playful and silly as again, are you trying to say he is sexually attracted to your daughter's behind at 8?  What I would do is help your daughter deal with setting boundaries by saying 'daddy, quit grabbing my butt.  I don't like it."  But honestly, as i said, I have a 9 year old and almost 8 year old sons and do all kinds of goofy things with them including tickling them or playing around with them.  I wouldn't jump to the conclusion right away that he is sexual with her.  

I'd actually maybe have your mom help her with setting up this boundary since she says she doesn't like it as she needs to feel like she can tell a safe adult things without it turning into a war between her parents.  You want her to keep telling!!  

Now, I don't know about the strip club or teen porn.  Hopefully that is totallly seperate from his own children.

so, keep your eyes open, encourage your daughter that YOU and your mom are safe people to talk to about things with her dad, see if she can set a boundary (including shutting the door and locking it when she showers (although again, I'm in the bathroom with my sons and it is no big deal) with her dad-----  and hopefully that will solve the problem.  Next step is your just simply telling him that he is making her a little uncomfortable with the butt touching, comments are embarressing her and she'd like some privacy in the bathroom.  But not in a way that will make him defensive but rather a way of advocating for your daughter.  good luck