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15 YO Boy Driving Mom Crazy
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, as there is much to tell. I am a mentor for a 16 year-old boy. I first met him through Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Chicago in 2003 when he was 9 years old. He has been the ideal "little brother" even to this day. I've never had a significant problem with him, ever.
About the boy-- Big Brothers and Big Sisters classified him as a "special needs" child mainly because he was diagnosed with ADHD and has a leaning disability. He is very shy and has never really had any friends to speak of. He's surely never had anyone he could call his best friend. It's not like he doesn't want any friends, he seems to lack the social skills necessary to start and maintain a friendship. I recall his mother mentioning to me earlier in our relationship that one day when the boy was about 5 or 6 years old, he asked her; "How do I make friends? I don't find it all that unusual that a kid that age would ask that kind of question, but seeing how things have progressed in his life since then makes me sad.
From what I have observed, the boy has a gentle, peaceful soul. He's had his challenges, socially, and academically. He has a great deal of trouble with math. All that being said, he's worked hard enough to earn a C+ to B average. The kids in school have also teased him about being "slow". He's had a couple of short stints in a psych ward of an area hospital due to the pressures he's experienced, and sees a counselor on a regular basis. He is also on medication, although I don't know exactly what it is. The last time he was in the psych ward was the fall of 2007.
About the mother-- The boy's mother grew up in a very tough neighborhood. She is basically a wonderful woman who has been raising her son alone since he was about 2 or 3 years old when she called it quits with the boy's father. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She has been a respiratory therapist for 20+ years, but was injured on the job 2 years ago and hasn't worked since. She is under a great deal of pressure due to her finances. From what I have observed, her relationship with her son swings from one extreme to the other. She can be tender and loving with the best of them, but when she gets upset with her son, she really lets him have it. Some of her profanity-laced tirades are legendary. She calls her son all kinds of terrible things and demeans him mercilessly. When the boy was younger, it would sometimes bring him to tears. I know this may sound contradictory, but I am convinced that she loves her son with all her heart. She is just a very passionate person. One may argue, over passionate to a fault.
About the father-- The father is quite simply a friggin' nut job. He has had, and continues to have severe psychological issues for most of his life. I don't mean to be so insensitive as to characterize someone with these issues as a "friggin' nut job"; only if they refuse to take their meds, which is the case for the father. He is insecure, paranoid, has anger management issues, and is one of the finest liars the world has ever known. The number of jobs he's been fired from is well into the double digits. He's been in and out of the psych ward too many times to count. According to the mother; after they split up, the father would hardly ever come to visit his son. Sometimes he would call to say he was coming, only to never show up. The mother told me that the boy would be looking out the window all day waiting for his father to come, but of course he never did. The only thing that made him see his son more is when I came on the scene. I developed a very good relationship with his son in just a very short period of time, and I guess his father may have thought I was trying to take him away from him. You can add jealous to the list. At one point, he even accused me of molesting his son, which is of course nonsense, and not based in fact. He just needs a reason to be angry. It seems to be his normal state.
About me-- I am the polar opposite of the mother and father. I've never really experienced that kind of drama in my personal life. I'm the laid-back, mellow type. When I'm with the boy on an outing, helping him with his homework, watching TV, or just talking, I can't remember ever raising my voice in anger, and I've never cursed in his presence. I'm not saying he's perfect. He's had his moments, but they've been minor issues, the kind you'd expect to have with any kid. I've always tried to be a positive influence in his life, and tried to provide him with a calm, carefree environment. When I've sensed he was down, I would do my best to pump him up with encouragement. We've become very close in the last 7 years. I love him like the son I never had.
At last, the problem at hand-- I was speaking to the boys mother yesterday. She told me the boy's behavior has deteriorated. I believe it started with an incident I was already aware of that occurred a few months ago in school. The boy was sitting in class when one of his classmates started verbally harassing him; cracking jokes about how slow he was, and so on, and so forth. I guess the boy finally had enough. He walked back to the kid's desk and slugged him one. As a result, he was suspended. That was the first time the boy was involved in an incident like that.
His mother went on to reveal other things the boy has done recently that shocked me. He was being defiant more and more. He would even get mad enough to curse at his mother when she would confront him about a chore that wasn't done that she expected him to do, and the like. When he does do his chores, they're not done well. He has done better in the past. His mother also says he's is getting to be as big a liar as his father, and that there have been times when she thought the boy would attack her physically.
I really think the pressure the boy has experienced through his entire life may be catching up to him. He's bent in the past, but I believe if something is not done soon, he may break. As I mentioned earlier, the boy's mother has a tendency to really go off when she's upset, and I think the boy may be losing his grip. I probably would too if my mother went into a profanity-laced tirade when I did something wrong. It's true the boy could be accurately characterized as lazy, but at the same time I've seen him perform tasks that would not give you that impression at all. I am convinced there is a reason for his behavior. Quite frankly, I think it's obvious. She tells me that "He'll just have to suck it up. That's how I was raised." That approach is not effective for all. She also tells me that she's sick of him and could care less about his self esteem. I really don't think she meant that, as she said it during one of her tirades.
What I'd like to know is what can I do? I feel helpless since I'm not the boy's father, although both mother and son consider me a part of their family. As I mentioned, he's getting counseling, but I don't know if it's the right kind or not. It seems his condition is getting worse, not better. I intend to have a talk with him about these issues his mother brought to my attention within the next few days. If anyone out there has had a similar experience, I would appreciate some advice. The mother, being as she is, will probably not agree to family counseling. She can be very stubborn and has a tendency to dismiss ideas like that out of hand. She has had it with the boy. She talks like she's on the brink of just giving him away, or having him arrested the next time she feels physically threatened.
This is a very sad situation. Please help me to help them. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Both mother and son are under tremendous pressure, each for different reasons, and they're taking out their frustrations on each other.
Thank you.
About the boy-- Big Brothers and Big Sisters classified him as a "special needs" child mainly because he was diagnosed with ADHD and has a leaning disability. He is very shy and has never really had any friends to speak of. He's surely never had anyone he could call his best friend. It's not like he doesn't want any friends, he seems to lack the social skills necessary to start and maintain a friendship. I recall his mother mentioning to me earlier in our relationship that one day when the boy was about 5 or 6 years old, he asked her; "How do I make friends? I don't find it all that unusual that a kid that age would ask that kind of question, but seeing how things have progressed in his life since then makes me sad.
From what I have observed, the boy has a gentle, peaceful soul. He's had his challenges, socially, and academically. He has a great deal of trouble with math. All that being said, he's worked hard enough to earn a C+ to B average. The kids in school have also teased him about being "slow". He's had a couple of short stints in a psych ward of an area hospital due to the pressures he's experienced, and sees a counselor on a regular basis. He is also on medication, although I don't know exactly what it is. The last time he was in the psych ward was the fall of 2007.
About the mother-- The boy's mother grew up in a very tough neighborhood. She is basically a wonderful woman who has been raising her son alone since he was about 2 or 3 years old when she called it quits with the boy's father. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. She has been a respiratory therapist for 20+ years, but was injured on the job 2 years ago and hasn't worked since. She is under a great deal of pressure due to her finances. From what I have observed, her relationship with her son swings from one extreme to the other. She can be tender and loving with the best of them, but when she gets upset with her son, she really lets him have it. Some of her profanity-laced tirades are legendary. She calls her son all kinds of terrible things and demeans him mercilessly. When the boy was younger, it would sometimes bring him to tears. I know this may sound contradictory, but I am convinced that she loves her son with all her heart. She is just a very passionate person. One may argue, over passionate to a fault.
About the father-- The father is quite simply a friggin' nut job. He has had, and continues to have severe psychological issues for most of his life. I don't mean to be so insensitive as to characterize someone with these issues as a "friggin' nut job"; only if they refuse to take their meds, which is the case for the father. He is insecure, paranoid, has anger management issues, and is one of the finest liars the world has ever known. The number of jobs he's been fired from is well into the double digits. He's been in and out of the psych ward too many times to count. According to the mother; after they split up, the father would hardly ever come to visit his son. Sometimes he would call to say he was coming, only to never show up. The mother told me that the boy would be looking out the window all day waiting for his father to come, but of course he never did. The only thing that made him see his son more is when I came on the scene. I developed a very good relationship with his son in just a very short period of time, and I guess his father may have thought I was trying to take him away from him. You can add jealous to the list. At one point, he even accused me of molesting his son, which is of course nonsense, and not based in fact. He just needs a reason to be angry. It seems to be his normal state.
About me-- I am the polar opposite of the mother and father. I've never really experienced that kind of drama in my personal life. I'm the laid-back, mellow type. When I'm with the boy on an outing, helping him with his homework, watching TV, or just talking, I can't remember ever raising my voice in anger, and I've never cursed in his presence. I'm not saying he's perfect. He's had his moments, but they've been minor issues, the kind you'd expect to have with any kid. I've always tried to be a positive influence in his life, and tried to provide him with a calm, carefree environment. When I've sensed he was down, I would do my best to pump him up with encouragement. We've become very close in the last 7 years. I love him like the son I never had.
At last, the problem at hand-- I was speaking to the boys mother yesterday. She told me the boy's behavior has deteriorated. I believe it started with an incident I was already aware of that occurred a few months ago in school. The boy was sitting in class when one of his classmates started verbally harassing him; cracking jokes about how slow he was, and so on, and so forth. I guess the boy finally had enough. He walked back to the kid's desk and slugged him one. As a result, he was suspended. That was the first time the boy was involved in an incident like that.
His mother went on to reveal other things the boy has done recently that shocked me. He was being defiant more and more. He would even get mad enough to curse at his mother when she would confront him about a chore that wasn't done that she expected him to do, and the like. When he does do his chores, they're not done well. He has done better in the past. His mother also says he's is getting to be as big a liar as his father, and that there have been times when she thought the boy would attack her physically.
I really think the pressure the boy has experienced through his entire life may be catching up to him. He's bent in the past, but I believe if something is not done soon, he may break. As I mentioned earlier, the boy's mother has a tendency to really go off when she's upset, and I think the boy may be losing his grip. I probably would too if my mother went into a profanity-laced tirade when I did something wrong. It's true the boy could be accurately characterized as lazy, but at the same time I've seen him perform tasks that would not give you that impression at all. I am convinced there is a reason for his behavior. Quite frankly, I think it's obvious. She tells me that "He'll just have to suck it up. That's how I was raised." That approach is not effective for all. She also tells me that she's sick of him and could care less about his self esteem. I really don't think she meant that, as she said it during one of her tirades.
What I'd like to know is what can I do? I feel helpless since I'm not the boy's father, although both mother and son consider me a part of their family. As I mentioned, he's getting counseling, but I don't know if it's the right kind or not. It seems his condition is getting worse, not better. I intend to have a talk with him about these issues his mother brought to my attention within the next few days. If anyone out there has had a similar experience, I would appreciate some advice. The mother, being as she is, will probably not agree to family counseling. She can be very stubborn and has a tendency to dismiss ideas like that out of hand. She has had it with the boy. She talks like she's on the brink of just giving him away, or having him arrested the next time she feels physically threatened.
This is a very sad situation. Please help me to help them. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Both mother and son are under tremendous pressure, each for different reasons, and they're taking out their frustrations on each other.
Thank you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, when you truly have ADHD, you have it for life. Either the first doctor was wrong (which can happen), or the second doctor is wrong. Of course, the specialty and experience of the doctor can play a huge role in the correct diagnosis.
Either way, the young man is lucky to have you for an advocate. And yes, I would still recommend reading the books. Good luck to you and him !!!!
Either way, the young man is lucky to have you for an advocate. And yes, I would still recommend reading the books. Good luck to you and him !!!!
Thank you for your response. I spoke to the boy's mother about special ed classes early on in our relationship. I also mentioned the different ways he could be classified, as you've mentioned in your response, but she doesn't seem to be interested in those things.
When Big Brothers and Big Sisters matched me with the boy, I started reading about ADHD even before I met him. I believe at this point I have a decent understanding. I will take your advice and read the book you suggested in you response. I can always add to the knowledge I already have.
There is one thing I left out of my original message. About 2 or 3 years ago, the boy was re-evaluated for ADHD. The doctor found that he no longer has it. I'm no doctor, but I have my doubts about his findings, as to me he seems to show the same characteristics of a person with the disorder.
I agree with you that I should approach the situation by working with the boy. That was my plan, but I guess I needed re-affirmation from someone else. Other than to continue to try to work on the boy's mother, it would appear that's the only thing left to do.
Again, I thank you very much for your response.
When Big Brothers and Big Sisters matched me with the boy, I started reading about ADHD even before I met him. I believe at this point I have a decent understanding. I will take your advice and read the book you suggested in you response. I can always add to the knowledge I already have.
There is one thing I left out of my original message. About 2 or 3 years ago, the boy was re-evaluated for ADHD. The doctor found that he no longer has it. I'm no doctor, but I have my doubts about his findings, as to me he seems to show the same characteristics of a person with the disorder.
I agree with you that I should approach the situation by working with the boy. That was my plan, but I guess I needed re-affirmation from someone else. Other than to continue to try to work on the boy's mother, it would appear that's the only thing left to do.
Again, I thank you very much for your response.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, geez. No easy answers here.
What the boy is experiencing is to me pretty classic ADHD behaviors when you have not had the preparations/counseling, etc. to deal with the problems that ADHD can bring. Tie that into a fairly dysfunctional family and the end result is not that unexpected. Essentially, I would say he is highly frustrated and is now mature enough or physically big enough to take out his frustration.
A few ideas. I would assume the boy is in special ed and/or has an IEP or 504. If not he needs it to protect him. You cannot suspend a child for a disability. Of course, that is not the answer to his problems, but school will keep getting harder and harder and the IEP/504 will help. So it is very important.
If you can work with him on ways to handle his frustrations that would be great. The tough thing is that in elementary school children will tell the teacher is they are being hassled. That is a lot harder for a high school kid to do. Of course, it is possible that kids will lay off him because of his reaction in the classroom - so that might be a positive.
I think the most important thing you can do is to educate yourself on ADHD and the ways to deal with it. And then start teaching him. One reason you get frustrated is because you don't understand what is happening to you. With knowledge comes power. Fortunately, he is at an age that this can happen.
A few recommendations for you. Best, fastest, very complete read is "The ADD/ ADhD Answer book." , by Susan Ashley. It will give you a ton of info to help him. It also has a great section on IEPs and 504's, One I have not read, but might be good for both of you is a new book by a UC Berkley honors student with severe ADHD about growing up with ADHD. The book is called - "ADHD and Me, What I learned from lighting fires at the dinner table," by Blake Taylor.
Finally, the laziness, the lying, the physical attacks, are all ADHD trademarks. I don't know if you can get the mom to recognize that these are things that are not aimed at her, its what kids do with ADHD when they are brought up with virtually no support system. I don't know if she will come around. Your best bet to change things is to try and work through him. By the way, nothing will change overnight. But if he can recognize why he is acting the way he does, than he has a shot at dealing with it. Really educate yourself about ADHD,and what I am saying will began to make sense. Good Luck !!!!!
What the boy is experiencing is to me pretty classic ADHD behaviors when you have not had the preparations/counseling, etc. to deal with the problems that ADHD can bring. Tie that into a fairly dysfunctional family and the end result is not that unexpected. Essentially, I would say he is highly frustrated and is now mature enough or physically big enough to take out his frustration.
A few ideas. I would assume the boy is in special ed and/or has an IEP or 504. If not he needs it to protect him. You cannot suspend a child for a disability. Of course, that is not the answer to his problems, but school will keep getting harder and harder and the IEP/504 will help. So it is very important.
If you can work with him on ways to handle his frustrations that would be great. The tough thing is that in elementary school children will tell the teacher is they are being hassled. That is a lot harder for a high school kid to do. Of course, it is possible that kids will lay off him because of his reaction in the classroom - so that might be a positive.
I think the most important thing you can do is to educate yourself on ADHD and the ways to deal with it. And then start teaching him. One reason you get frustrated is because you don't understand what is happening to you. With knowledge comes power. Fortunately, he is at an age that this can happen.
A few recommendations for you. Best, fastest, very complete read is "The ADD/ ADhD Answer book." , by Susan Ashley. It will give you a ton of info to help him. It also has a great section on IEPs and 504's, One I have not read, but might be good for both of you is a new book by a UC Berkley honors student with severe ADHD about growing up with ADHD. The book is called - "ADHD and Me, What I learned from lighting fires at the dinner table," by Blake Taylor.
Finally, the laziness, the lying, the physical attacks, are all ADHD trademarks. I don't know if you can get the mom to recognize that these are things that are not aimed at her, its what kids do with ADHD when they are brought up with virtually no support system. I don't know if she will come around. Your best bet to change things is to try and work through him. By the way, nothing will change overnight. But if he can recognize why he is acting the way he does, than he has a shot at dealing with it. Really educate yourself about ADHD,and what I am saying will began to make sense. Good Luck !!!!!
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