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Molested from age 3-14, Who's fault?
I have an older brother who is 3 years older than me, and a sister 3 years younger than me. Now we're all young adults.
I can remember my brother making me go under beds and under blankets when I wasn't even old enough to be in kindergarten, and he would make me kiss him or make her turn around and he would put his penis against my bottom and get on top of me and kiss my lips and make me open my mouth for his tongue and do all of these things over a period of time. Then he would get my younger nephew who is 2 years younger than me, my younger sister and I (I was about 7 at this time) and stand in our outside shed and show him our privates and look at each other's. He was always the one to initiate it. Other things went on, like I would be asleep and he would sneak into my shared room with my younger and older sister and he would put his hands under the covers and touch me while I was asleep. Sometimes I stayed pretending to be asleep because I just felt awkward and scared to be awake, other times I would be awake and pretend I was just waking up and move my legs to scare him away, other times I would wake up and say what are you doing and he would say oh there was a spider on you and leave. This all happens over a period of 11ish years till I threatened to tell. One specific time we all spent the night at my grandmothers house, while she was asleep we all stayed in one room and I don't remember how any of this started but I believe he said he was turned on and pretty much he started masturbating and all I remember was I he was spitting on my hands and making me rub myself and my sister was laying next to me and doing the same thing and we were all in a room masturbating and he ejaculated and obviously we didn't.
I guess I have a few questions:
Why did he do this to us, it was not wanted by me?
Is this normal to start at a young age and go until he was almost an adult (6-17)
Why didn't I say something or make him stop? I felt I didn't because I was young and now that this situation has been exposed and child protection services was involved my mom blames it on me for exposing him and me for not saying anything. I know she's insane for not putting any blame on him. But I just want to know who's fault is it? I know it can be both. I just want to know why he did what he did and why I didn't do what I should've and regret not doing.
Now I have a very hard time getting intimate with people.
I can remember my brother making me go under beds and under blankets when I wasn't even old enough to be in kindergarten, and he would make me kiss him or make her turn around and he would put his penis against my bottom and get on top of me and kiss my lips and make me open my mouth for his tongue and do all of these things over a period of time. Then he would get my younger nephew who is 2 years younger than me, my younger sister and I (I was about 7 at this time) and stand in our outside shed and show him our privates and look at each other's. He was always the one to initiate it. Other things went on, like I would be asleep and he would sneak into my shared room with my younger and older sister and he would put his hands under the covers and touch me while I was asleep. Sometimes I stayed pretending to be asleep because I just felt awkward and scared to be awake, other times I would be awake and pretend I was just waking up and move my legs to scare him away, other times I would wake up and say what are you doing and he would say oh there was a spider on you and leave. This all happens over a period of 11ish years till I threatened to tell. One specific time we all spent the night at my grandmothers house, while she was asleep we all stayed in one room and I don't remember how any of this started but I believe he said he was turned on and pretty much he started masturbating and all I remember was I he was spitting on my hands and making me rub myself and my sister was laying next to me and doing the same thing and we were all in a room masturbating and he ejaculated and obviously we didn't.
I guess I have a few questions:
Why did he do this to us, it was not wanted by me?
Is this normal to start at a young age and go until he was almost an adult (6-17)
Why didn't I say something or make him stop? I felt I didn't because I was young and now that this situation has been exposed and child protection services was involved my mom blames it on me for exposing him and me for not saying anything. I know she's insane for not putting any blame on him. But I just want to know who's fault is it? I know it can be both. I just want to know why he did what he did and why I didn't do what I should've and regret not doing.
Now I have a very hard time getting intimate with people.
If I am reading this right your brother was a child? Could there be a possibility that he was being sexually abused by someone but never said to anyone? His type of behaviour is seen in children who have been sexually abused or watched porn! You and your siblings did nothing wrong - innocent children woth no understanding of what was happening! This has had an awful impact in you and I would strongly recommend counselling! Hope you can come to a place of peace and are able to move on with a healthier, positive view of yourself. Take care.
It's not normal and it's not your fault. My guess is that someone also sexually abused him. And your mom is blaming you because she's the parent and is the one responsible for you all. Perhaps she had a BF or friend or family member who abused your brother and he then turned it in you and your sister. People aren't dumb but they live in denial and they blame other people rather than take responsibility. Your mother and your brother need to take responsibility but may never do so. I highly recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families as a resource and tool for you to recover from what was clearly a very ****** up, abusive, and dysfunctional childhood. I'm so sorry you went through that. Know you are not alone and that it is NOT NORMAL or OK!!!!!
www.adultchildren.org
www.adultchildren.org
I am SO SORRY this happend to you! This is not your fault at all. Sounds like your mother is just embarrassed because she feels like the blame is on her for not watching you guys right. But you should really get some help.
Your mother is shifting her own blame onto you, her blame for what happened to you and whatever happened to cause your brother to act that way, plain and simple. You have nothing to be at fault for. There is probably a lot more to the story than you know. I'd ask your brother if he remembers ever being molested or sexually abused, or maybe just ask him why he did it. Maybe he'll have an explanation, maybe he won't. I'm so sorry you went through that! So confusing for children!
I'm not sure why one of the other commenters suggested that you could share blame in this. Given how you felt/feel about this situation, it's clear you were unwilling. There are a lot of confusing and upsetting things at play here. It would take me much more space than I have here to get all of my thoughts out. As for your mother, she's shifting her part of the blame which was her responsibility (and in turn was her ignorance) on to you, and that's all that is, plain and simply. I urge you, please talk to someone. This is too much to keep bottled inside. I know you're seeking help here, but this is not where you will find true healing. None of this was your fault, do NOT believe it for a second. Oh, and you are not alone.
Not your fault at all. You were young and afraid..thats such a crazy story. But i experienced something similar, just not as extreme. You should in no way feel guilty. It needs to be made that he is never around children because he seems to be a very sick individual. Im so sorry that happened to you! I really hope u can let go of this soon and have a normal happy love and sex life.
It is not your fault, you were all children. Although sexual exploration is normal when young, what your brother did was not normal. I have to wonder where he learned this behavior and who might have abused him. Your mother is actually the parent/person responsible if this happened in her home, under her watch, and while she was the caregiver. There is a reason why you and your sister never felt comfortable talking to your mom about what was happening. For that very reason, your brother had the courage to continue such frightening behavior night after night. It is therapeutic to talk about these horrible instances but make sure you speak with a professional, all parties involved. I'm sure your brother is riddled with guilt and feels disgusted with himself. Remember that hurt people, hurt people; so he also has a story to tell. Don't let these moments in time define who you are. Let this tribulation make you stronger, smarter, and secure in who you are. There are so many ways to begin therapy: through writing, reading, art, and talking to him. You are in charge now and no longer the little girl without a voice. So, instead of blaming; try to understand the reason why it happened. However, you still have the right to be angry and let those who harmed you and/or didn't protect you, know how this impacts your life. I'm curious as to what your mother has to say about what happened? Does she think it's a lie? Usually parents have some clue or inside knowledge such as a behavior she may have caught your brother doing. Life is hard but we must keep on strong, steady and full of grace.
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you. But I just wanted to say I am sorry you went through all that, and it's not your fault. You won't have said anything because you were a child and you were put in a very awkward position. Over the years it'll have probably been a mixture of things, not knowing what was happening/why it was happening, feeling awkward and self conscious to tell your family because it was your brother, guilt (even though it wasn't your fault, you probably felt guilty for not saying anything before), not knowing what to say or how to say it. It wasn't your fault.
You are most certainly not in the wrong with this. its good to be able to speak up for yourself or refuse, but as a child, or anyone in a situation like this you should not have to refuse or speak out to someone when they're already doing something like dat in the first place.
"Why did he do this to us, it was not wanted by me? " could be that hes just a messed up person and he didn't care if you liked it as long as he got what he wanted out of. could be hes a really messed up person and prefers that you dont like it, or perhaps he knew it felt good for him, and thought he was showing you guys something fun.
As for why he did what he did there are a few reasons i can think of.
* people are naturally driven to do things like that to reproduce, so since its strongly programmed in all of us, sometimes children don"t really get what it means or why people do it especially when someone or nearly everyone you know doesn't want to talk to you about it; just that it feels like something they want. the more people want to do it, the more likely they are to reproduce thus making it more common for the next generation to want to as well
*People naturally want to explore things that they dont know about (with boys lady parts fall under this category) especially when someone or nearly everyone you know doesn't want to talk to you about it
*possibly sexual abuse from someone else at one point and wanting to try to replicate it as others mentioned if it started at 6
as for why you didnt tell anyone for so long.
*people get flustered and uncomfortable on this subject more than almost anything else making them feel uncomfortable to talk to people about it. same reason why you might pretend to be asleep. its awkward
*doubts of people listening
*%26 of cases like deez dont get reported to people. people dont wanna talk about it
*people get scared of what would happen if they told people
*it can be really hard for vulnerable children to speak up in any uncomfortable setting
as for whos fault it is id say
60% moms fault for raising and making excuses for him when he does something wrong
35 % his fault for manipulating you and taking advantage of you, whether he was young or not
4% your sister for joining
1% you because you may have been able to do more sooner, but still. shouldn't have to
"Why did he do this to us, it was not wanted by me? " could be that hes just a messed up person and he didn't care if you liked it as long as he got what he wanted out of. could be hes a really messed up person and prefers that you dont like it, or perhaps he knew it felt good for him, and thought he was showing you guys something fun.
As for why he did what he did there are a few reasons i can think of.
* people are naturally driven to do things like that to reproduce, so since its strongly programmed in all of us, sometimes children don"t really get what it means or why people do it especially when someone or nearly everyone you know doesn't want to talk to you about it; just that it feels like something they want. the more people want to do it, the more likely they are to reproduce thus making it more common for the next generation to want to as well
*People naturally want to explore things that they dont know about (with boys lady parts fall under this category) especially when someone or nearly everyone you know doesn't want to talk to you about it
*possibly sexual abuse from someone else at one point and wanting to try to replicate it as others mentioned if it started at 6
as for why you didnt tell anyone for so long.
*people get flustered and uncomfortable on this subject more than almost anything else making them feel uncomfortable to talk to people about it. same reason why you might pretend to be asleep. its awkward
*doubts of people listening
*%26 of cases like deez dont get reported to people. people dont wanna talk about it
*people get scared of what would happen if they told people
*it can be really hard for vulnerable children to speak up in any uncomfortable setting
as for whos fault it is id say
60% moms fault for raising and making excuses for him when he does something wrong
35 % his fault for manipulating you and taking advantage of you, whether he was young or not
4% your sister for joining
1% you because you may have been able to do more sooner, but still. shouldn't have to
If this happened when you both were children, it's no one's fault. Kids often do weird things sexually however, the more extreme it is, the more likely he was watching porn or being abused. Now, when you were teenagers this behavior is totally abnormal.
2 Comments
He did it till he was 17 when she finally said something. If she wouldn't have he would still probably be molesting her and if not worse if she would have never said anything
Yes she is very brave for finally standing up to her brother. It is in no way her fault.
So this started when you were about 6, and he was 9, and continued until you were 17 and he was about 20.
I really don't see how you can put all the blame on him. 3 years really isn't much of an age difference, considering this went on until you were virtually an adult.
Usually this kind of sibling incest happens in cases where the children are traumatized and turn to each other for comfort. Did you have family trauma - difficult divorce, abusive parenting, etc?
I really don't see how you can put all the blame on him. 3 years really isn't much of an age difference, considering this went on until you were virtually an adult.
Usually this kind of sibling incest happens in cases where the children are traumatized and turn to each other for comfort. Did you have family trauma - difficult divorce, abusive parenting, etc?
4 Comments
He says he didn't want it but it happened anyway. That's abuse. There's no consent there.
It's absolutely 100 percent NOT HER FAULT! She said he was 17 and she was 14 but it Doesn't matter whAt age she was!it was unwanted!its abuse!that's what child molesters try to do to little kids.they try to make them feel guilty and confused and make it seem like it was their fault and it wasnt so then they keep doing what they want and they dont end up telling.
Absolutely not her fault at all. It is scary to be in those types of situations particularly when others around you don't believe you or are in denial. Plus think of the size difference between a 17 year old male and 14 year old female. I am appalled someone would even say this.
Seriously how can you even remotely blame her!? This obviously wasn't her fault and she made clear she didn't want and/or liked it. 3 years may not seem like a lot of difference now, but when you are a child it matters a lot. I have a 2.5 year older sibling and it was like she was miles away from me. She could've done anything to me really. You are just a kid, you don't know that is wrong, you're to scared to refuse. And ones its happening its hard to break out of. You don't just one day wake up and suddenly put a stop to it. You just get stuck. That's why it went on for so long. It is absolutely in now way her fault!
PS: THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ/ANSWER.
2 Comments
I have a brother who is 6 years older than me and ever since I can remember he has always made me feel "uncomfortable" like when I'm laying down he likes to put his face on my butt or when I'm standing up he likes to start twerking on me. Whenever I tell him to stop he hits me and when I tell my parents they think I'm lying or they ignore me. All I can ever wonder is how could a human being do this to anyone let alone his own siste"r. Sometimes I ask myself "why me?" What did I do wrong?" The only thing that helps me throughout it all is hoping that in the future he will never be a problem and just being surrounded by people who I love and who understands my pain. My brother has never raped me but who's to say he won't in the future all I can say is be careful and most importantly remember you only live once so make this life count!♡
Ashleyrose, I don't know how old you are, but it seems like you're still living with your brother. You should never have been put into this situation, and your parents are absolutely wrong not to protect you, and not to believe you. They probably do so because it seems like a too horrible a thing to think their son could do, and because they would feel guilty inside if that was true. They're in denial.
However, what you are going through is eating away your self-worth. Every day that you are subject to this behavior, you get more used to it, and start to consider it as normal - you probably already do, as you have had no other option but to tolerate it.
Do you have any trusted adults you could talk to, like a teacher, or a school counselor? Or a good friend, or a parent of a good friend? I know the topic might seem like something embarrassing to bring up, but any balanced grown-up should know you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about - this is absolutely not your fault. You did not seek this out, and you have asked your parents for help - you have done all an underage person can do.
It's hard to give you detailed advice as I don't know your age, but you should find a way to get outside help, and preferably professional help, meaning someone who has been educated about sexual abuse - sometimes adults who have no education on the matter don't react appropriately when told about it, because they are so ignorant about the topic. So know that you are not to blame for your situation, and that you should not EVER have been put into this situation. Never let anybody blame you for it. No human being should live in a reality where they think that a family member might actually rape them one day. That is completely unacceptable, and not normal at all.
Here are a few places you could call to ask for advice:
RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
https://centers.rainn.org/
has a helpline you can call:
Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) Rape, Abuse & Incest Nat'l Network: 1-800-656-4673
Also an organization called
Darkness to Light
https://www.d2l.org/get-help/
has some helplines you can call:
Darkness to Light’s Helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT
ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD
I am sorry you are in this situation, and I hope you will find the help you deserve!
However, what you are going through is eating away your self-worth. Every day that you are subject to this behavior, you get more used to it, and start to consider it as normal - you probably already do, as you have had no other option but to tolerate it.
Do you have any trusted adults you could talk to, like a teacher, or a school counselor? Or a good friend, or a parent of a good friend? I know the topic might seem like something embarrassing to bring up, but any balanced grown-up should know you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about - this is absolutely not your fault. You did not seek this out, and you have asked your parents for help - you have done all an underage person can do.
It's hard to give you detailed advice as I don't know your age, but you should find a way to get outside help, and preferably professional help, meaning someone who has been educated about sexual abuse - sometimes adults who have no education on the matter don't react appropriately when told about it, because they are so ignorant about the topic. So know that you are not to blame for your situation, and that you should not EVER have been put into this situation. Never let anybody blame you for it. No human being should live in a reality where they think that a family member might actually rape them one day. That is completely unacceptable, and not normal at all.
Here are a few places you could call to ask for advice:
RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
https://centers.rainn.org/
has a helpline you can call:
Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) Rape, Abuse & Incest Nat'l Network: 1-800-656-4673
Also an organization called
Darkness to Light
https://www.d2l.org/get-help/
has some helplines you can call:
Darkness to Light’s Helpline, 1-866-FOR-LIGHT
ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD
I am sorry you are in this situation, and I hope you will find the help you deserve!
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