My 3 year old and his parent's divorce

[worriedmama2B]

My ex husband wrote me a lengthy email tonight accusing me of "brainwashing" our child to dislike him.  Our child has (apparently) made comments about not loving his father, but loving me instead to his father. And has told my ex and his wife that I told him that he can't call her Mimi (her name is Mindy).

His father left me when my son was 8 months old. He had been seeing his current wife since I was about 7 months pregnant with our son.  They got married about a year and a half ago, and neither of them like me very much - the feeling is mutual.  

The problem is, I haven't told my son that he can't like or love either of them.  Now my ex is threatening to take me to court to get an order to have my son evaluated by a child psychologist.  I don't think this is a good idea, I don't really want some stranger grilling my son to determine if I've said anything to him - especially since I haven't.  I'm really worried that it could cause more damage to him than it would help the situation. I have offered to go with my ex for counseling on how to better co parent and to work through our issues together - but I haven't heard back from him (and frankly, I'm pretty sure he is going to say no).

The bottom line is that my son is supposedly saying that I have told him things that I simply have not told him.  He does the same thing about his father, but I don't react the same way - and I have not accused his father of doing anything wrong because I'm fairly certain he hasn't done the things that my child has said he has done.

I don't know exactly where this behavior is coming from, and I'm not even sure that a psychologist is appropriate for a child so young.  Can you help me figure out whether these types of comments are normal for a child of his age who has been dealing with a messy divorce his whole life? Would a child of his age even be a candidate for this type of evaluation?

[SL345]

This is a tough situation. At his age, I'd encourage you to carefully consider whether it's manipulation or an expression of conflict. Keep talking to him. Good luck.

[worriedmama2B]

Thanks for the advice.  He was really upset about having to go to his dad's house at all before the visit he made these comments during.  I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, my son doesn't want to go, but he has to, and when he says things my ex doesn't like, I get blamed.  

The other part of all of this is that my son is manipulating both of us, he tells me the very similar things - and tells me he doesn't like them.  I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.  

[SL345]

Given your son's young age, a psychologist doing a forensic evaluation would spend much of their time interviewing the parents, and possibly observing them interacting with their child. I like your suggestion about counseling on co-parenting. Get your attorney to write his attorney a formal letter - possibly including the name of three competent professionals or centers - requesting to see a counselor together. If nothing else, it would look good for you too have offered and he will have to explain himself as to why he refused to go if this does go forward. Try talking to your son a little about how he feels about going to see his dad and stepmother and then having to come home. He may be expressing some conflict about being torn inside about loyalties. Good luck