My 4 year old has anger issues and says he hates me, he wants nothing to do with me - HELP!

[DiscouragedMommy]

I have 2 sons, my oldest is 4.  We've always been close.  He has recently started with some behavior that is both troubling and saddening to me.  He doesn't want anything to do with me, because he says he hates girls.  He tells me he hates me, and yells at me.  He tells me he loves his Daddy more than me.  Half the time he won't even let me hug or hold him or sit on my lap.  I've tried EVERYTHING, responding, not responding and nothing seems to work.  Quite often I find myself having to leave the room to go into the bathroom to cry over the very hurtful things he says to me.  He will get upset over something and say he hates everything and everyone or he'll say that everyone hates him and similar things.  He will get mad over something or when he gets in trouble he will hit himself in the face.  He will lash out and hit his 17 month old brother or me or his Daddy or his Papaw or throw something at us.  When I try to get him to sit with me or something he'll say HULK SMASH and try to fight me so I just say forget it and leave him alone since he doesn't want me to love on him.  He used to tell me he loved me all the time, he would tell me I was his best friend and we spent a lot of time playing together now he doesn't want me to play with him, because I'm a girl and he hates me.  What do I do?  I'm so lost and confused and upset.  Should I take him to see a doctor?  He's very smart this is his first year of preschool and he's been moved up to Kindergarten work and I work with him at home, one of the few things he still enjoys doing with me is doing workbooks and writing his name.  He has no problems at school, no bad behavior or anything.  I just want my little guy back, I miss our quality time together!

[Sandman2]

   The above comments are good ideas.  I also think that because he is a smart little boy, he has already found a way to ring your bell.  He has figured out how to get you to leave him alone.  Its time to end that nonsense.  Make sure that you and your husband agree on what you will allow him to do, then start having consequences for his behavior.
   I suggest you get the book,  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  It will show you how to use timeouts very effectively to start changing this learned behavior.  
  Also I suggest you get the book, Hands are not for hitting by Agassi and maybe words are not for hurting.  These books are aimed at the 4 to 7 year old child and meant to be read to them by there parents.  
   The fact that none of these behaviors go on at school would indicate that this is a learned behavior and it can be changed.  Just be aware that it takes up to 3 weeks of immediate, constant reinforcement to change a behavior.  One reason I recommended Clarks book is that her system provides this is a very loving manner.  Best wishes.

[margypops]

Could be some jealousy over his younger brother and I agree if he is allowed to watch rough stuff on TV or PC he will act out ,.so check out where /what he is looking at , does his Dad allow him to watch it? Pay him a lot of positive attention and  get Dad outside playing ball games with him .exercise and fun .

[AnnieBrooke]

Some of this is just typical, but the HULK SMASH stuff suggests he's been watching some imagery that he really shouldn't get yet, on TV or dvd's.  I found my son did a lot better in preschool if I only let him watch the gentlest, mildest cartoons, despite his love for The Last Airbender and other kung-fu-fighters-against-the-world kinds of cartoons.  Kids just pick this stuff right up and don't process how violent it is, they just channel it.