How to slap the lining snot out of a teenager without being arrested

[dave771]

A little tounge in cheek there. I recently married a woman with a seventeen year "young" daughter who appears to me that going to school and respecting her Mother is not on her agenda. Prior to me relocating to my now wifes home I was told the "daughter" had "less than desireables" comming and going at all hours of the day and night. At first I was not concerned...until I made my visit. I found hooligans laying about the place and destroying my now wifes property. Needless to say I "showed them the door". Subsequentually (after asking my now wife wife to marry me) I left my job and closed up my house to move in with my now wife. Ever watch the movie "Mr. Mom?" That's been me for the past five months. Got all these "hooligans" out of the house and have put back in order (as I see it being X-military) LAW AND ORDER. Oh I have found dope stuff and alcohol bottles, cigarettes (mind you these are minors). Just recently My wife and her daughter got into a "scuffle" which ended up in the arrest of the minor child. I tried to warn her ( the daughter) and show her that "this" is not socially acceptable. A brief bio: Elizabeth, my wife, is a very good woman who has been taken advantage of for so many years. She is a "giver". How sad is it that ones own blood takes advantage of that? Now enter David (that would be me). I put my foot down and suggested to Elizabeth (my now wife) that her daughter needs to finish her school works instead of laying about with undesireables. We made numerous attempts with the school administration to remedy what in my words seems to be a disater. And now the daughter is taking her GED on~line (right). I have vision and was never disrepectful to ANYONE growing up as a child and through my adult years. It is my belief that in todays society "we" have become too complaciant when all that is necessary is a good firm boot on the arse and a slap across the face. I am not advocating violence I am however suggesting "we" need to change the rules as to how "we" raise children. My wife is a  spirtually driven individual (one of the key factors I admire her for) I however am more "grounded"  As her daughter was arrested in this home crying like a baby "oh I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian" Bullsmit" The "child went to stay with her biological father for the duration prior to the court appearance. Time waits for no man. She returned and matters only got worse. Not my problem?, it is this childs problem. At seventeen I was enlisted in the US NAVY. My graduation gift was a U-Haul. Spare me all the oh how art thou woes and hold my hand bullsmidt. Growup!. At the "ripe" age of fourteen I sassed off to my mother in the kitchen whilst she was preparing our meal.....she spun around on her heels and slapped the living snot out of me and then said "now clean it up". From that day forward I learned the meaning of "respect". . So lift up you head, stand firmly on your ground and if your kid is acting un~rulely....slap the livin' snot out of them. I will not "direct" you I will command you to read your bible. In there you will find that "MANS" government is from satan. Pay close attention here, it was not "my" word but the word of GOD. and I quote "spare the rod....spoil the child". This is why we have so many problems in life today. Drugs, sex, bullsmit!  As I see it in todays society, a certain percentage of parents are more consumed with "what will I get" instead of what can I give. Read your "book" or in my case marry one who will read it for you. any who....I could go on and on....but I will tell tou all this...a firm smack on the arse and a gentle hug speaks volumes.
                                                      Thank you for allowing me to vent

                                                                     David


This discussion is related to How to deal with disrepect between a 13 year old � Dad.

[rustywhite]

Well Dave great I've been saying this for 3yrs soild but you think people will listen to it the law has changed and so has they way people bring there kids which is why they are runing around with knifes and guns and killing people for no reason.

I was brought up the good old way and thats the way I'm bringing my kids up if people don;t like it its though my kids will not turn out like all the other kids in this world tody.

[mrwjd]

Oh, wait.  Here's what I actually wanted to say:

She's 17.  In five minutes, she'll be 18, and after another five minutes, she'll be gone.  You'll never be her parent, you'll always be "that guy who moved in with my mom and tried to tell me what to do but I didn't do it because he wasn't my dad" (this will be the same, even if her dad is a lifer at the state prison).  Does it matter?

Won't you feel stupid if you let her, for five minutes of aggravation, screw up something that could be really important to you and her mother for the next 17 or 27 years?

[mrwjd]

I admit in advance, this may not work for everyone.  It may not work at all, but I liked it.

My husband's 16-y-o spent a summer with us early in our relationship, before we had babies of our marriage.  She had been a behavioral problem in a bunch of ways, and in fact showed up at our door after running away from home and hitchhiking across the country, with the idea that she either was or was not going to stay permanently, depending I suppose on her mood.  

In some moment of genius completely out of character (usually I'm an interfering old bat--young bat, then), I saw almost immediately that trying to parent this young adult I was meeting for the first time was a loser's game, I would be the loser, and what I would lose might be her dad.  Taking a step back not only took me somewhat out of the line of fire, but also made it easier to sort out what was going on.  

I was in graduate school, and home a good deal right then.  When she asked me if she could go, have, call, eat, do anything, I said, I don't know; ask your dad (she could have called him at work, but I recall mostly she didn't; she was just trying to get one of us to agree to something the other would later oppose).  When that didn't work, she tried to turn us against each other another way, by working historical information about her parents' marriage and the like--how wonderful it was (probably why they were divorced--too wonderful to endure).  I tried to show no reaction other than, "That's interesting" or "That's nice."  When she agreed to go to family counseling, I sent the two of them and spoke with the counselor only once, briefly, when asked by him.  

Of course, we saw the things she was doing, and discussed them privately.  I was not so much interested in her behavior as in making sure we were on the same page, and I tried never to criticize her, only make sure we saw what she was doing so as not to be manipulated by it.   At least she didn't disobey me, because I carefully didn't tell her what to do or not to do--ask your dad.  [I think this won't work unless the two of you are communicating well, because then the decisions that have to be made are made by both of you, only she doesn't know it, and she can't play you against each other.  And I think you have to trust each other a lot.]  

Eventually, she said she wanted to go home, he bought her an airline ticket, and she cashed it in and flew to Boston instead to look up a kid she had met by the Lincoln Monument in Washington on a previous runaway episode.  (His mom was thrilled!  We referred her to the girl's mother.)

It wasn't easy.  She stole things from the house; she burned a hole in the new countertop with a cigarette she wasn't supposed to have, especially in the house.  But in the end, I had the only thing I really wanted, my relationship with her dad undamaged.

I've never kept my mouth shut and stayed in the background of a situation like that, before or since, but I've never wanted anything else that much.  In the end, I lost him anyway, to a careless driver.  By that time we had two beautiful babies, who also grew to be teenagers, survived it, and are now married with children of their own.  I've seen a lot of marriages founder on baggage from an earlier marrige, and I have occasionally wondered if any of this would have happened if I had done as I would normally do--tried to "fix" the situation, save the house, and "rescue" the 16-year-old--and jeopardized what really mattered in the process.

  




    

[April2]

Amen. I agree with you. Our society is raising a bunch of spoiled, selfish, disrespectful kids because we're so afraid to discipline them and make them go to school and earn their money. (I'm talking teenagers here for the most part). I will not allow my kids to talk back to me. All kids will try to push the envelope and see how far they can go. I don't advocate physical punishments but we do need to teach our children to respect authority. Teachers are afraid of students now. Parents sue teachers. I tell my kids that they are to respect their teachers even if they think they are being unfair because they are their teachers.
Raising kids is the hardest job in the world. We have to have a balance of love and discipline. We can't be buddy/buddy with them. We have to be their parent. Sometimes our kids won't like us, or even hate us. They will be mad at us and think we're so unfair or uncool. Oh well. Someday they will appreciate what we did and why we did it but not until they're adults themselves.
I have a daughter right now who is challenging me every chance she gets. I have to stick to my guns though. Sometimes I lose a few battles but I don't give up. I can't. She may not appreciate all I try to do right now. She may appear to not listen to my teachings and warnings but I know that somedayshe will remember and apply these things to her life. It sure isn't easy raising teens, especially in this day and age where morality appears to be out the window. Just do the best you can, but remember she's already an older teen with bad habits ingrained in her. It may not be easy to turn things around at this age. I'm glad you don't allow the drinking, sex, drugs, and smoking around you or in your home. Good for you! It's much easier to cave in to them. You are choosing the high road and I give you credit for that. It's not an easy road. I hope someday your step-daughter really does appreciate all you did and tried to do with her. I wish you the best. God bless.
April

[margypops]

I am for once "Speechless"    Hummmmmm

[RockRose]

Do you and Elizabeth have anything at all in common?