My 8-year-old son is heading down a rough road and I don't know what to do.

[Worried249]

I am a single parent to an 8-year-old son. He is very bright - top of his class - and he loves social interaction. He's even well-mannered...when he's trying to get his way. He's been displaying very troubling behavior lately and I am lost. Over the summer, he made friends with the neighbor's children and told them his name was "Andrew" - his name is not Andrew. After speaking with the mother of the house, she informed me that each time he comes over he asks for food and tells her he is starving just to get snacks! He told her he has no toys (his room is filled with toys!) and has asked for her children's toys - and when she explains why that's not okay, he actually got upset and began to steal them! He was going as far as rolling up his shorts and hidding toys in their folds! He goes to school after eating a warm breakfast at home and tells his teacher he hasn't had any breakfast - just to eat cereal! He refuses to obey any rules. He finds reasons to stay behind in class when no one is there so that he can steal from his classmates or the teacher. He's stolen money out of my own purse! He lies so much I don't know when I can actually believe him! I'm so scared for him. Recently, I discovered he's been sneaking out of the house when he's being babysat - running all over the neighborhood! His safety is a huge concern of mine, and I don't know what to do anymore. I've grounded him, taken toys away, taken TV time, no friend time, made him kneel and am not the parent who shys away from a good pop on the bottom...but nothing works. I've even brought him to counseling - her sessions and activies did not work! Every time he acts up, I always make sure I discipline him accordingly - whether it's a public appology to his class or to the neighbors for stealing. But in the end, he refuses to listen to me.

I've sat him down and tried to talk with him and tell him that his behavior is dangerous and that he's heading down the wrong road in life, but nothing gets through to him. When I speak with him and ask him why he's behaving the way he is he just frowns and says he doesn't know. It breaks my heart because I know he knows right from wrong! When I look at everything, I notice that he's always trying to get his way by trying to get sympathy from perfect strangers! He's so incredibly manipulative! I'm so scared. Some of the things he's doing can really get himself hurt! Besides that I am worried about someone calling child services because of the lies he weaves!!

I'm so worried and overwhelmed with stress..I'm so lost. I feel as if I've tried everything...please, someone help me.

[Sally44]

I think you might get some better answers from a psychologist or a psychiatrist.  This may be the symptoms of a personality disorder.  Not everyone with this type of disorder goes on to be involved in criminal activities, but I think you can see how his behaviour is leading him in that direction, or at least leading in a direction where he will have a very unstable future because of difficulties he would have with both work, relationships and staying within the law.  He just wants self gratification and is using whatever means at his disposal to get what he wants.
Does he seem to show any remorse for his behaviour when he is found out, or understand that everyone and everything is not there for his benefit?  Is he very impulsive without thinking about covering his tracks.  I presume he has the social skills to manipulate and charm, but is easily found out.

[Worried249]

thanks so much for your advise and genuine concern! I greatly appreciate it and I am going to take all of it to heart and see what happens!!! Thanks!

[Sally44]

As his behaviour is affecting family and school life to such an extent, I would advise you to get professional opinion from a psychologist or psychiatrist who specialises in anti-social personality disorders.  It maybe, as Sandman says, that he grows out of it.  But from your post I think you need outside professionals advising you on how to go about things.  He maybe very smart, and has learnt how to work people to get what he wants.  However he isn't smart enough to know how easily he can be found out.  Now he is pre-teen.  When he becomes a teenager things could get worse and he could begin to defy you even more, and before you know it he will be considered old enough to be independent, but will have none of the life skills needed to do well at school or in work or in relationships.  
I think he needs to be channeled into things he is good at and interested in.  He needs a very clear reward system where he earns pocket money/treats by gaining points for good behaviour (you can google 1-2-3 magic, as that is a system I have heard works well with children with ADHD, and those children tend to be impulsive).
You want professionals involved because you don't know whether his behaviour of 'using and manipulating people to get what he wants' is something he is going to grow out of.  There are adults with antisocial or sociopathic personalities out there.  Not all of them become criminals, but it is a disorder that exists and is lifelong.  If professionals can advise you on ways of teaching him good social behaviour and re-directing him from bad social behaviour that can only be good.  If they see him and assess him and tell you he doesn't have this type of disorder that would be brilliant.  But if he does, as Sandman says, then all adults working with him need to know this because unfortunately it is not just a case of 'being naughty' it is a personality disorder where he will see people as objects that he can use and whether or not he is able to cover his tracks is only going to affect how long he can keep the pretence up with any one person before he moves onto the next one.

[Sandman2]

      Hi Worried,  If you want help from a professional, I think you need to find someone who has worked with very bright children. Probably a psychologist with experience with these kids.
    A sharp child is a whole different ball game than your normal kid.  At this age, think intelligence with out morals.  Its not your fault or his.  He is just too young to have picked up why its bad to do what he is doing.  Essentially, he is gaming.  He has learned (in my opinion) that he can fool just about anybody.  The problem with catching him, is that he may get more sneaky to avoid being caught.  Conversely if he recognizes that people are on to him, he may just say "ah its not worth it" and quit.
   So what are some things you can try.
First and foremost - don't give up!!
Second - communicate with everyone.  Especially his teacher!  All of you need to be on the same page..If he comes in and tells her something, have her whip out her cell phone and call you and match stories.  He may be smarter than one adult, but he isn't smarter than two or three working together.  Also talk with your principal.  If you have a choice of teachers for the next year,  see if there is an experienced one (or really smart one).  The right teacher can make a world of difference.  But let me stress again - communicate, communicate, communicate.  I really believe he will stop a lot of this if he realizes (and he will) that he can't get away with it.
Third - punishment.  ok this one is tricky.  one, because he will probably not admit to it affecting him.  That's kinda typical for sharp kids.  They learn that if they say "oh that doesn't bother me", then many times the adult will stop it and try something else.   He does need to learn that their will be consequences for his actions and he has the choice of changing his actions to avoid the consequences. Essentially, you need to be fair, make it fit the crime, and most importantly - be consistent.  Physical punishment is out!  If he were a little older, I would go with labor because it lasts longer and can be a real drag. If he has taken things, try to figure out a way to make him work to pay it back.  And then let him work to get an allowance to buy his own things.  However, I really don't have any good work ideas for an 8 year old - maybe other forum members can help here.
Chances are that if he is banished to his room, he will just pull out a book and be a happy camper.  To deny him social interaction may work.  But as with any punishment start low and slowly build.  Remember that even though he is very bright, long term consequences don't work with kids of his age.  Its got to be short and immediate.  Do let him know that his actions "hurt mommy".
  If you can get him involved in any after school activity or sports, that would be very good.  He needs something to direct his interests in other directions.  
  Finally,  hang in there,  as he matures, a lot of this should change.  You will have a unique child that will bring you a lot of joy.  

[MOMalwayslearning]

Maybe get him involved in a program with boys his age at the YMCA or a boys and girls club.  Try several things, lots can be found on the internet. Let him search topics with you.  We tend to use large words toward our kids sometimes and we seem to talk and talk and talk. I am trying to learn to curb that a little and I also try to explain words to him to make sure he gets the connection.

Maybe he needs something to be responsble for. Perhaps a fish or something. Something easy. He might just need to find friends that have more interests like him, something he can look forward to.  

Even a boys video club would be a good start. Something short time-wise so he yurns for it. Respects it. Will not be allowed to go if he can not be a big boy about things.  Stick with it and know that even though things can seem to slip away, you CAN get them back.  Even if something works for a few weeks then stops...find something else, but keep the communication with him open. Let him know you are there to help him with whatever he needs, talk or whatever. Tell him he can come to you and just ask for more time with you, if that is what he really is wanting.

I have a six year old and am seeing small very small indications that if some of his little quirks do not get handled, I will be feeling how you sound you are.  Hang in there, try not to show stress, I KNOW that is hard. I am not a single mom, but seems like at timessss I am. :}

PS...I do not know how you feel about it, but I am thinking of finding a christian church in my area and at least importing that event into our family structure.  It is just us three. I think the community folks and events that go with church and the childrens class will be a good social place for kids.

[Worried249]

You got him right on the nail. He has amazing social skills, but he uses them only to benefit himself. I sit down with him and talk to him about his behavior and he always tells me that acts this way because he wants this or that. He is honest enough to tell me that he doesn't think I will find out - he doesn't think I will find out because he's usually lying about his family life to get sympathy. I believe that he believes people will not approach me if they think he's got an "unfair" life. Luckily, most the adults he speaks to know me and know the issues I've been having with him.

He is incredibly impulsive, but after the fact, he's sneaky enough to try and conceal what he's done. Today, I brought him down to the police station to speak with an officer. He tried to lie to him (in front of me) about stealing at school, but eventually the officer got the truth out of him and he just sobbed. He said he steals money from me and from his classmates to buy ice cream or treats. The police officer told him the same thing that i've been telling him - about heading down the wrong road and not making smart decisions. I'm hoping it will help that he heard it from someone else. I just don't know what else to do...what can a psychiatrist do for him?

[Worried249]

No, he's not taking any meds. I've brough him to a therapist before and all she did was give me activities to do with him - activities where we both spend more time with each other. We did them every night and they did work - for about three days. Then he slipped back into this behavior.

[margypops]

First ly something  is upsetting your son, I think you need to take him to see your Doctor his behavior does sound like a cry for help, perhaps ask the Doctor for a referral to a therapist, is he taking any meds for anything?