Thanks, I will try to find one. But, I must say, getting this out in this discussion board made me feel a little better. He has been very attentive and very clingy with me today as he was trying to say in his own way that he feels bad about yesterday. God be with him and our family.
See a family counselor (not you and him, just you) and lay it all out, including how hurt you are, and see what the counselor suggests to do about his general anxiety.
I have to correct myself because I really want people's opinions about this. The reason why I told you about the 100's is because I just wanted you to know that he has no problem in school on his behavior or in grades. I want him to only do the best he can do. I don't care if he gets a 50 or an 100...as long as he tries. I e think I did not mention or maybe I didnt is that he panics alot with changes. His father has OCD. Him saying this to me...does it have anything to do with hiM being nervous about things...etc. I've told him so many times to relax about what he worries about and that everything always turns out for the best. He worries about little things...like a friend not being at a class anymore...or what he is going to do on his day off...etc...This is very strange that he woke up with this thought. I just don't get it and I don't want to bring more light on it with him. I want him to forget he had that thought...but I can't forget and it hurts
I agree with RockRose's comments. It might be helpful for you to talk this over with a family counselor (you, yourself, not with your son present) and to go over how he seems to feel in general about the pressures of life and how you are raising him. There is such a thing as a parent being too relaxed or lasseiz-faire, but it sounds like you might be on the opposite end of that spectrum in some way that is making your son anxious. Possibly a good counselor could help you figure this out so you have some clues when addressing your son. It is not necessary for an 8-year-old to get all 100s, it is better for him to have a happy life without a lot of worry. He will have plenty of time later to be anxious about performance, why not give him a childhood free of care?
An 8 year old should have a little better filter on his thoughts than that. It sounds like although he loves you very much, he has real resentment. And he's very conflicted and feels bad about that. The fact that he had those thoughts is one thing - but the fact that he purposely told you he'd be happy if you died is very telling - he's trying to tell you loud and clear that he resents you.
He wouldn't, literally, be happy if you died. I know you know that - if you died, he'd be lost an grieving for a very long time. God help the motherless child.
But there is something in his life that he feels would be better if he could get some relief from you, and maybe it's him, not you. Does he make all these 100's, and behave really well because he's afraid of losing your approval? If you were out of the picture maybe he feels like he could relax and not try to be perfect?
So I think you need to ask him that. Tell him you know he loves you, and he wouldn't really be happy if you died, but if you were to leave for a month on a vacation how would he think his life would be better? Hard question to ask but I think you need to hear it, and I bet it's so he can misbehave a little and not be ashamed.
Best wishes. I can sense you're a really good mom.