My 9 year old

[rhunter3sc]

My child is 9 years old and is so defiant about picking up her room or doing any chores around the house.  Even defiant when it comes to getting a bath or brushing her teeth.  She will throw a tantrum when asked to do anything.  She is a very active child and a spoiled child.  She gets me so mad that I have to walk away.  You ask her to pick up her dirty clothes she will cry and ask why and screech and holler and stomp her feet.  This is all the time it is not just a once a week thing.  If I ask her to brush her hair she will say that she did and when I look, her hair is full of knots.  Is this normal 9 year old behavior?  Her friends don't seem to be like this.  They all have clean and neat rooms, and take care of themselves.  I guess what I am asking is this a phase or am I doing something wrong?

[Cleveland Mom]

I agree with the previous posters.  You need to draw the line and set up some new house rules.  Kids need and want parents to be in charge.  Kids need rules and boundries to learn how to behave properly.  The need rules to develop morally, to develop character.  They need rules a to function well at school in the short term and well in life in the long term.  They need to learn that there are consequences in life for behavior.  Positive consequences for appropriate behavior and negative ones for inappropriate behavior.

Its unhealthy and unsettling for you mom, to feel like you have no control over your child.  You and your family need and deserve peace in your home.

Time outs are excellent negative consequences for inappropriate behaviors.  Make time out a boring place i.e. bathroom, utility room.  Time out should be for 1 minute for every year old your child is, in your case 7 minutes.  You must be CONSISTENT with consequences, that means every time your dtr. breaks a rule she must recieve a consequence.  You should warn her once then give the consequence.  If you are consistent, you will see the bad behavior decrease.  I can assure of that.  She will fight you at first, but when she sees that you are going to stay strong and be firm, she will change her bad behaviors.

Praise is a very powerful way to shape behavior as well.  When she follows the rules, let her know how much you appreciate her, how well she is doing and that you are pleased with here.  Hugs, kisses and pats are great to.

Best wishes...

[RockRose]

I don't have daughters,  but I wouldn't put up with that from my sons!!

Especially the screaming and tantrumming part - the messiness I have a lot more patience with.

What I've found works is if I have a positive attitude,  and talk to them in a positive way during a calm time.  

Make a short list of things you want;

1.  bathe everyday
2.  keep room fairly clean (doesn't have to be spotless)
3.  don't scream at me,  ever


And get her to give you ideas of  what she needs - cool new shampoo,  a new trash can for her room,  maybe a quick reminder in the morning,  whatever.    "What would you need to make this easier?"

The other thing that works really well for me is to not demand that they do something right this second.  If I say "ooh it's a mess up here,  sometime this morning - doesn't have to be this instant - I want you to bring all those empty soda cans downstairs and make your bed,  okay?"  

Best wishes.  I think if you just make it clear to her,  in a pleasant way,  that she can't scream anymore at you and you enlist her suggestions for the other stuff,  things will get better soon.,

[babyprayers]

I have a nine year old daughter, and the only difference between mine and yours is I DO NOT TOLERATE HER BEHAVIOR. she argues everything with me, from, cleaning her room, her idea of clean is shoving everything in her dresser drawers. It took a lot of patience and follow thru, but she has improved some what. She argues about brushing her teeth taking a shower, getting dressed/undressed.. you name it. she doesnt throw tantrums anymore, now she tries to play politician and reason with me, I will clean my room in a little while ... if you do this.. I THINK NOT!!!! just set strict boundaries and let her know what your expectations are. you are the adult... you rule her life, and lead her, not the other way around. good luck, our fun with our darling daughters has only just begun!!

[AHP84]

You mention these problems you have with her, but the only thing you mention about how you handle it is by having to walk away sometimes.
What discipline methods have you tried?
Also, maybe she's just acting out because she doesn't get enough postive reinforcement for things she does well or obediently. I'm not trying to judge your situation or anything, it's just that there's not much detail in your post about her personality or what you do to try to discipline her.