What to do with my disrespectful 7-yr old daughter

[andrewh81]

My 7-yr old daughter is extremely disrespectful, and sometimes physically violent with my wife and our other children.  I have a 9-yr old daugther, and an 18-month old daughter, and a baby on the way.  The only ones that my daughter seems to target is the 9-yr old, and when she does she often is verbally abusive and physically violent...sometimes for no reason.  She also gets extremely disobedient and disrespectful with my wife, and will often times whack at her or try to slam the door on her.  I just got a call from my wife saying that she laid out some clothes for her to wear, and my daughter responded by saying, "I'm not wearing that and you can't make me.." and then in a very sing-song voice she continued to say, "You can't make me, you can't make me....".  What makes all this hard for me is that this pretty much only happens when I am not home, and when I am home she does act mean to her sister once in awhile, but never to my wife, but for the most part she is very loving and caring.  So it is like two different people.  She is a very loving and sweet girl, probably more than her sisters, but her behavior is getting worse towards my wife and her sister and needs to stop.  CAN YOU HELP????


This discussion is related to My 5 year old is disrespectful and stubborn.

[margypops]

She is asking for as much attention as the 9yr old gets and the Baby, When she wont wear the clothes dont make an issue of it, back off ,if she gets a response that is what she wants, you are rewarding her behavior, ignore it and does it really matter what she wears.Yup I have heard the sing song thing its infuriating, ignore it,In fact the more you ignore her bad bahavior the more it will lessen, Good Luck.

[RockRose]

I'm trying to picture this whole scenario.  A  couple thoughts come to mind:

1.  There is a theory that siblings are like plants that are growing out of the same hole in the ground,  growing toward the sun.  If one plant grows extremely straight and tall,  the next plant has to grow way to the side to receive the sunlight.  In other words,  the straighter the first child grows,  the more crooked the second one will grow to get her parents attention as an individual.  Is that what's happening here?  Is your first daughter truly a golden child?  If so,  your wife needs to pick some characterstic about your 2nd daughter and really emphasize it.  Is she a good runner?  Does she draw well?  Something that will stand out and be her characteristic,  not just the sideways one.

2.  I heard an interesting parenting tip about a younger child antagonizing an older child,  and the solution was great.  Tell your older daughter IN PRIVATE,  THIS MUST BE A SECRET,  that for every time her sister antagonizes her and the older sister doesn't respond,  she gets $1.  Or some amount.  She just has to not react,  and keep going on about her business without reacting at all.  The antagonizing will get worse at first but should die out pretty quickly.  She's doing it for the reaction obviously.  

3.  I'm curious that your wife called you about that singsong thing.  I'm trying to picture it,  and picture the power dynamic in your home - and I really can't imagine calling my husband if I had an ongoing disrespect/physical attack problem and this little thing happened.  It sounds like you are perceived as the powerful one,  and your wife is kind of just a conduit.  

4.  Prayers your baby that is on the way is a boy!  You may have enough girl crazies in your house.  ;D

Best wishes.