My sons behavior has gotten horrible since my boyfriend started disiplining him.

[Princess Heather]

my Boyfriend moved in when my son was 2 1/2 years old. I rarely had to disipline him because at that stage I would just explain why we don't do certain things and he was pretty good about following the rules. My new Boyfriend moved in and started always complaining that I didn't disipline him enough. So he started intercepting my explaining things to my son with yelling and forceful timeouts. Which would cause me to want to defend my son by yelling back at my boyfriend. A lot of the times my son would get yelled at for things that he wasnt doing but things that he could be doing wrong. I don't even think my son even thought about doing certain things but when he got yelled at for doing them I think it would put the idea into his head and sure enough right after he got yelled at he would do what ever it was. Now my son is turning 4 years old this month and his behavior has turned violent when he is told by me or another family member he cannot do certain things. I have also noticed nightmares, tantrums, afraid of the dark, and I cannot even leave the room with out him getting scared to death and crying, he follows me every where. My boyfriend says he does these things to get his way. I don't think so. Do you think his behavior can be corrected and his pain healed? I have been trying to get the boyfriend to leave. once he is gone should my son see a sychiatrist?

[mommamoore]

Okay, so one last thing...  I have met many people in my life, I am a retired Marine, so have many, many encounters with decent, wonderful people worldwide.  The truth is, of all those that I have met, this particular son is probably the most wonderful human being that I have ever know.  I have other sons and see many of their wonderful qualities, and of course, their flaws, too.  This particular son, is amazing, giving, forgiving, thoughtful, kind, articulate in speech about this feelings, unselfish...  I've never seen a man of any age give so much in so many areas...  he always has.  I am a single parent, and have raised these boys on my own for 19  years...  this particular son is 21.  I want him to make the decision for himself, but it is getting increasingly hard to watch this...  He says that he wants to show her a better life, I think that is so admirable, but what about his?  He shows her so much patience, love, and kindness, and she continues to take, and demand from him.  He meets her demands every time.  I know how life is, and right now, he may be able to handle her...  but as life continues, it will become more and more complex.  She calls him names, puts him down, etc., it just breaks my heart as I watch her continue to "take" from him.  She is an only child, raised by her single parent father, who apparantly gave her everything.  She talks consistently about how her father didn't do for her...  what I've seen, he (her father) gives and gives, and it is just never enough...  and now this is tranferred over to my son...  okay, I won't write any more, but if you can offer some kind of suggestion, some thought as to what I can do, please write back...  I love him so much, and want him to be happy, have a family, etc.  I just see trouble ahead for him, and as much as I know I need to leave it in God's hands, I feel compelled to do something, anything...  please respond, thank you!

[mommamoore]

I don't know if all of the above made sense, but the first girl and him were very much in love.  They rarely argued, they both had stars in their eyes, and they were both so happy.  That is what I want to see for my son...  Now, this new girl, who my son once had to almost put a restraining order on for stalking, has her claws in him.  I think that he feels bad for breaking her heart at one point for doing what was best for the both of him, which was breaking up for her.  Since letting her back into his life, he promised her that he would never hurt her heart again (as I said, because she was there to help him when he was severely burned)...  Where was I during this?  I didn't know how bad this chemical burn was, if I had known, I would have been there in a minute.  He lived in Idaho, I in San Diego...  He called and told me of the accident, and that he was okay...  never did I ever know just how bad it was...he didn't tell me the extent of it, because he didn't want me to worry.  I kick myself every day that I didn't fly out there immediately to take care of him.  I found out later just how bad this injury was, well after the fact.  Since that time, they have relocated down here to California, and now I see everything first hand once again.  They are staying with me now until they can get on their feet, but I just want her to go back to where she came from...  He is miserable with her, and possibly miserable without her, but could meet someone again that could make him happy.  Watching this is so painful.  I am a Christian, and try so hard to be kind and loving to this girl, but she is just nasty.  In fact, right now, he is running a 102.9 degree temperature, and has left to be with some friends because she was restless and bored.  I feel so bad, because I am here to nurse him back to health.  Please help me with somme suggestions as to how to help my son as he doesn't seem able to help himself...  thanks!

[mommamoore]

Okay, first of all, I am not usually a meddling mother.  I have three sons, two of which have wonderful girlfriends.  Girlfriends that I love, and believe are good for my sweet sons.  My middle son is involved with a very selfish angry girl>  He is the most wonderful person on the face of this earth>  Kind handsome< selfless>>  he was a victim of a chemical fire< and this girl who is very disfunctional  This girl came into his life after a crushing heartbreak for my son,  His girlfriend of 4 years became pregnant by another after a month when they decided to "take a break",  He moved to Idaho to be with her as he thought they were going to be married some day.  They both started working many hours, and didn't see each other much and decided since they weren't seeing each other that they should take a break.  She later, one month later, became pregnant by another and it totally crushed him.  I saw his soul just fade.  During this time, this very controlling, bi-polar, girl (totally wrong for him) inserted her life in his when I think he didn't have the strength to see know what was best for him.  Then, when he had this accident, yes, she did help him, but will not let him go.  They fight, argue, she is demanding, expects him to serve her, etc.  I see the dysfunction in their relationship, but I can not seem to make him see that this relationship is all wrong.  She knows what she has in him, and would do ANYTHING to keep him to include getting pregnant.  He, I think, just doesn't want to be alone, and feels that if anything, she would never cheat on him.  She is always angry, demanding, awful disposition, rude...  Unfortuntately, I am not the only one that sees this.  Even strangers mention how rude she is.  I am afraid that she will, out of desparation, get pregnant...  what should I do?

[rebbecca]

your son would be a lot better off if the boyfriend was gone, it is bf fault that your son is acting the way he is. a therpist would be good for both of you. good luck

[peskysmom]

These are all classic signs of abuse, mental or physical.  GET HIM OUT!!!!!!  My 2 boys have ended upi in therapy due to thier dads, now, ex-wife.  He can get better but only if you get this guy out.  It would also be benifical to you both to go talk to someone.  

[karinav3]

First of all if it's a serious relationship and he means well for your son, that's not the way he should handle it.. My live in boyfriend disciplines my son, but he will never yell at him or hurt him. My son cares deeply for him so that shows me he respects him.  No man should treat a child mean. I was engaged a long time ago and he treated my son really mean.. he would hit him and yell at him behind my back until I  left him my son told me he use to be really mean to him and he hated him. I should have realized it when my son use to scream because he didn't want to stay with him, but sometimes I think we ignore those signs thinking maybe something wrong with our kid... Honestly if you are still with this guy either you put a stop to it or leave, you don't want your child to be tramatised because this person does not know how to handle your son.  He comes first and remember he only as you to defend him and you don't want him to feel he as no one.

[countrymommy79]

im sorry but your boyfriend should not discipline your son! i went through that with my daughters father! he would have his girlfriend discipline my daughter and she would come home a wreck! i look at it this way, the boyfriend is not the father and has no place to tell your son what to do and what not to do! dump him! you dont need him running yours and your sons life!

[TTC obsession]

I say the sooner you get rid of the guy the better I would be concerned for his saftey around the boyfriend because he clearly dosn't love you son and probably see him as an obsticle between the two of you and I sure wouldn't use your son as the reason for wanting him to leave because he may use that against your son.  Who cares what reason you give him just tell him to get the hell out of your house and that you don't want to see him anymore.

[Liza55]

Good for you for putting your son first- he is counting on you! He looks for you for protection. Plus trust that YOU know best how to discipline your son. I think the nightmares, acting out is a reaction to being afraid of your bf and doing things wrong, as well as having his trust a little shaken. Take him to a counselor if only b/c he can help you handle the new behavior. You do need to FIRST get this guy out before your son can make progress- this is the guy scaring him afterall.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

No boyfriend should ever be disciplining your child.  That is your job as his mother.  Tell this guy to leave, call the cops if you have to.  Get your son into counselling as he has been wounded by this stranger barging into his life and abusing him.

[AHP84]

How long have you been trying to get the boyfriend to leave? Have you broken up with the guy, or are you just trying to get him to leave your home?
I think it's crucial that you break it off with this guy if you haven't already. He is certainly a control freak and emotionally abusive. He is not your son's father, or even his step-father, and he has no right to even try to discipline your son. If he had problems with your disciplinary actions toward your son, then he should have told you and worked something out with you and let you stay in charge of your own child. He had no right to "intercept" your discipline and take over.
At your son's age, I'd say yes, his behavior can be easily corrected and his emotional pain healed. But only if you get rid of this guy.
I don't know so much about a child psychiatrist for your son, but perhaps you could look into a counselor for yourself (no judgment intended). I have just gotten myself out of a relationship with my son's father, whom I was with for eight years, and he was emotionally/verbally abusive and a control freak. I finally kicked him out of my house and have been making the effort to start over with my life for myself and my son. I am going to couseling sessions to better my self confidence and work toward eliminating my risk of ever ending up with someone like my ex again. I know this is crucial for myself and my son's future.
So I recommend a counselor for your own benefit first, because in the long run, it can benefit your son as well.