New..my daughter & I are having a hard time

[Twelvesgirl]

My relationship is confusing. I am the only mommy my daughter knows as her mother left when she was 1, she is now almost 5. I came into the picture around age 2 1/2. I have a hard time w/ discipline, she doesn't take it well from me, not that she is defiant, she goes to timeout, and does what I say. But when I talk to her she hums, she won't look me in the eye. She is an anxious child, she has oral nervous behaviors, and only reacts to me when I'm super nice, if I even tell her to take her shoes off the couch she will then go hide in the corner and eat the skin off the bottom of her feet, or chew her hair etc. She says, I guess you just have to tell me how to do everything mommy. My husband blames me for her nervous behaviors, he tells me I'm too hard on her, as I have a biological son the same age, he says I'm not as hard on him. I discipline them the same way, and even though he sees that, he is just so blinded by the fact that we both see his exwife's face in his daughter. This has been talked about once before a long time ago, and he said it again last night, only this time he said it in an accusatory way. She manipulates, and we fight about her, usually he is defending her bad behavior and questioning my discipline in front of her. Then she'll cuddle w/ him. I told him to discipline when he's home, an example last night: she got a sharp knife she knows she is not to use, I feel dangerous things deserve at least a timeout, he said to her "do you use sharp knives?" she said no, he said "ok", and she walked away. I looked at him and he said, "well hopefully she won't do that again". I can't possibly just let her do these things and give her no direction, I feel kids need discipline. I can't say that I'm not immune from yelling at both of them in the past, but I have been working on it, and we are in family therapy to deal w/ this, and I have been learning ways to cope w/ myself, and this is under control. My husband is pretty un-available in many aspects of my life, so it is a difficult situation. Maybe it is my fault. Does anyone have any suggestions?

A little more info: my son is only months younger than her, and they have an older sister. This may be a consideration into behavior, and emotional issues of middle child or something, I don't know, I just love her and want her to love me too.

[Sandman2]

    You are expecting too much.  A four year old child will not look you in the eyes while being disciplined.  Heck, most kids of any age won't- unless you physically force them.  Makes me wonder how you were disciplined.  We do tend to do what our parents did to us.  Anyway, you said "she is an anxious child, she has oral nervous behaviors."  This type of a child will definitely not look you in the eyes.  This is not a sign of disrespect or anything else - but self preservation.  I really think you need to back off a bit.  She is still just a 4 year old.  It sounds like it is just you and her (and her brother) all day long.  That is tough on both of you.  What she is doing is fairly normal, and actually your response is also.
   What you need to do is to find a good book on what to expect from 4/5 year olds, and how to deal with kids of that age.   Lynn Clarks' book SOS: Help for Parents, is a great book, I think it would be worth checking out just to get ideas.  What it will do is to give you a kind of standard of discipline with ideas on whats appropriate or not.
    If I am correct that both kids are home with you (and they are 4 going on 5), that is hard on everybody.  Ya gotta get them into play groups for several reasons.  If not,  now that the weather is better - get outside.  Change things up.  All of you need a break.  Good Luck!

[Winkie260]

Hi!

I'm sorry for your problems with your daughter. I know how frustrating and heartbreaking it must be.

From reading your post (and I know there's much more behind it) it honestly seems that she is playing your husband against you. He doesn't seem to be standing behind you, and she is completely aware of that. You and your husband have to be a united front against her, and I really believe that once that happens it will start to turn her behaviour around! If she knows that your husband will take her side regularly against yours, then she knows that it doesn't matter what she does, or doesn't do.

And know this: she DOES love you, but your husband has to back you up in order for her to be aware of her boundaries. Children are much happier with boundaries and will settle and feel more secure - this could also be causing the anxiety she is having. Without set boundaries, she could be feeling insecure and unsure of her place in the family.

I hope it gets better soon!