I think RockRose's comments on the thanksgiving dinner are right on. I focused more on your statement that, "I have taken care of her alone, and I don't give in to her every whim, she is well behaved." There are definitely two sides to this child.
I think the thing to remember is that she is 7 going on 8. She's young. It also sounds like there is no one in the extended family even close to her age? I am willing to bet that if she had another child her age to play with, things would be very different. Ya, she is probably used to being the center of attention. But that's pretty normal given her situation. Bet your husband's mother rather enjoys talking to her then the other men in the house. Point being, instead of blaming her - work with her. She needs something to distract her. An 7 year old kid in the company of adults cannot be expected to behave like an adult. But, if she is well behaved in school and with you, it also means that if somebody takes the time to work with her - things can change. Christmas could be a challenge because thats a pretty hyper time for a kid. If there is any gift she can open early, that she would then play with for awhile - it would make life easier. And either she gets a decent snack before the adults (and snacks come out), or you except the fact that she will fill up on snacks and won't eat much at dinner and you let it go. But do but yourself in her place and try to look at it through the eyes of a 7 year old surrounded by adults.
Hmm, Dawn. Interesting. In my experience, it's just so hard to tell how kids will turn out. As I continued to think about your post, I realized I knew two girls - the niece I mentioned earlier, and a best friend's daughter. The second instance - the best friend's daughter - would sing at the top of her voice in the room so adults couldn't communicate. Or she would do cartwheels into furniture, require the adults to leap up and protect her.
Both girls - my niece and my friend's daughter - have turned into exceptionally talented and adorable college students.
It will be interesting to see how your niece turns out.
Best wishes - it sounds like you are looking out for her.
No, this isn't jealousy of how my children are treated - my children are much older so that isn't the issue. I realize using Thanksgiving as an example was a bit off - due to the way meal time was - more so the straw the broke the camels back, but her behavior of being the center of attention is is at any time there is any sort of family get together. We stopped over to visit my in-laws last Sunday and her behavior was the same - constant look/listen to me. And I know, she was probably happy to see us and wanted to show off a bit. I think I just don't understand why the lack of discipline and over-abundance of giving in to her every desire. There are plenty of children raised by one parent who do not behave like this. Besides, she actually spends most of her time with the grandparents so she actually has 3 adults looking after her. Your comments were eye-opening- and I see the points you made as valid based on the info I gave. We just did not find yesterday to be enjoyable and I don't think my MIL is doing her any favors in the long run treating her that way and a father who does absolutely nothing. And in answer to your first question about my husband, he is more adamant about not seeing his family than I am. I would never force her to choose, I'm not trying to win at anything. Again, thanks for your comments, it helps to hear from someone looking in on the situation. I'm sure Christmas will be a similar situation and will keep what you said in mind regarding meal-time.
I sat here for moment and realized I may have been too harsh. Your post REALLY brought out the rancor in me based on my husband's family.
Everyone in his extended family is married, intact families, with kids, except this one brother with two kids. The girl, the youngest, is especially bright and sensitive, and she acted much like your niece during her childhood. It was so sad to watch. She didn't have a mommy, and everyone else did. Everyone else had a mommy who would make sure they had something cute and special to wear for any occasion, make sure their lunch sandwich was just the way they liked it, would look out for them if they were struggling with something, would make sure they got lots of special attention. Not these other two kids. Dad would sit on the couch with the adults, watching football or drinking beer or whatever, with the adults, the mothers would be scurrying around in the kitchen helping prepare the meals and taking care of the kids, and there were always these two basically feral kids. At one point I thought in my head, that girl is SO NEEDY, but then I realized no she isn't, she just doesn't have anyone to attend her needs the way all the other kids have. She's forced to go from adult to adult trying to get attention and get her needs met. And she had a fair amount of screaming melt downs for attention, and also became an excessively picky eater for attention. It was just so sad to watch, I felt like knocking my brother in law off the couch all the time. He just would sit there, like a spectator, an outsider, while all this was happening.
Does that sound like what's going on here in your family?
Does your husband also not want to see his family because of this child?
I'm kind of finding your post a little unusual. This is a child being raised by a single dad. Right there, she's behind in the attention/parenting department. (And I don't mean she's behind in the department of people who will tell her no).
At Thanksgiving, she ate way too much snack that was offered before dinner (probably because she was hungry) and so of course she wasn't hungry at dinner. She was full. Then, she was hungry again later. At that point I think it would have been good to offer her dessert - she DID eat peperoni and whatever else was prepared and offered before dinner, and it's pretty typical on Thanksgiving that family goes back into the kitchen later to put out cookies or pie, something sweet.
Since she's well-behaved in school, I think she's probably a pretty average kid who when it comes to extended family is in an odd dynamic of having way too many people trying to supervise her and not enough welcoming love.
I also think if you force your MIL to choose between a daughter in law or her granddaughter who comes from a broken home, you probably won't win.
This also sounds like a bit of rivalry, to me - is there a jealousy thing going on in your family with how Grandma treats this girl vs. your children?