Help my 3 year old driving me to despair

[tiredmum1969]

Hi my 3 year old daughter is driving me to despair, her behaviour is totally out of control she will not do as she's told if you say no she will do all she can to defy you, earlier for example she took an icecream out of the freezer after being told she couldn't have one and hid in her room to eat it when asked if she had an icecream under her duvet she lied and said no, even though she knew she had been caught, if she doesn't want to go to bed or do something then she totally ignores you, she has a terrible temper and can have violent tantrums where she will smash and throw her toys, spit, smack, jump up and down as she knows we have neighbours below us and this disturbs them, and screams as loudly as she can. She has major prblems with her sleep and normally wakes after 4 hours and wants to play and refuses to go to sleep or lie down, even if the tv is turned on for her, i can't ignore this as i have a 12 yr old son just started senior school and she will scream until she wakes the whole household, if i do ignore her she runs riot for about 2 hours waking everybody by squeezing their nose or shoutng at them, i feel like i'm going mad as i end up sitting up making sure she behaves until eventually she wears herself out and goes back to sleep. Feeding is also a major problem and will not eat anything most of the time, she goes through phases of eating loads for a day or two and then everything you give her just gets a big yukkk and she blatantly refuses eventually either throwing her plate on the floor or to the dog. I've tried time out and it doesn't work, i've even tried to sit her at the bottom of the stairs and she stayed there qiute happily when i asked if she wanted to come back into the living room if she was ready to behave she just said no i'm ok i'll stay here thanks, she doesn't seem to have any fear of anything at all and doesn't seem bothered about any sort of punishment for instance i put all her toys into a binbag the other week as she decided she didn't want them and it would be ok to just hurl them at the dog and around her room. Please can somebody help am i going mad? Is she just naughty or could it be down to something else? if anone at all has any suggestions then please help!! Just to point out i had no problems with my son at this age he tries to get along with his sister but she is a constantly nasty and jealous of him getting any attention frm me or my partner, and i have noticed her lying to get him into trouble and lying to get the dog into trouble.

[blessedmomof3]

It sounds to me like she is looking for attention. Not to say you don't give it to her. But maybe if you ignore alot of what she does. Such as not eating and when she says she is happy in her time out, just look at her, smile say "ok hunny" and walk away. When she grabs your son's stuff from his room, maybe he can just let her have it for a bit. I know this sounds like you are giving in, but realy it's just picking your battles. As long as she is not endangering herself or harming anyone else, just let it go. This way you can save your energy for the big things. As for nights, I wish I knew what to tell you. You need your sleep, and if you have to keep putting her back in bed, over and over, maybe eventualy she will get the point. Or you can always call  Nanny 911...LOL. I bet this would be their match, huh?

[tiredmum1969]

Thanks for the comments, we do still use the time outs and have been for ages but to no avail, her brother does try his best with her but does sometimes lose patience and ends up going to his room for some peace, as unfortuneately she just seems to like kicking and hitting him when he tries to read to her or play games with her, she also does things which seem to be purposely to wind him up like run into his room and grab his things and run away with them. She gets plenty of stimulation and "playtime" with both me and her father, also lots of praise for her when she does positive things as she can be the sweetest little girl when she wants to be, but this seems to be rarer and rarer at the moment, believe me when i say we have tried it all, but she seems on a constant mission to defy everybody as this problem is also starting to present itself outside of the home eg playgroup, families homes and shopping with her is an absolute nightmare at the moment. i really do ope that one day i can too look back and wish i could have it all back but right now i just wish she wasn't so difficult as with the lack of sleep i get it really is making me feel so worn out.

[margypops]

Not easy is it we all have been through some variation on what you are going through, heres my input,she is only 3 ,I think you are right when you say she has a jealousy issue , how does she get on with her brother does he play games with her, and is he kind to her, could you focus on the positive side of her behavior,catch her doing something right and praise her, has she plenty of outside stimulation, activities and Games ,get Dad involved ,with Ball Games and going to the Parks and having fun.Set some bounderies for her behavior also, time outs work if you are consistant , what happens prior to the tantrums could you down play some of it,If she eats loads you are allowing her to do so, take charge and dont concern your self if she wont eat, put the food on the table and walk away, it could be she is reacting to your over reaction, as I say its not easy, I miss it and wish I could get it back again!!