Socail inability to interact with children her age

[Tanya3]

My daughter is 2 yrs and 9 months. Her language and speech is fully developed. She is well adjusted and normal in all of her behaviour. A good child ingeneral. Interacts well with all adults within and outside teh family. Interacts well with her nursery teaching staff. Her problem is that she is unable to engage with children her age. She cannot make friends or play with the children in school - she's been ther 9 months now. She engages well with the teachers and even the watchmen and cleaning staff at school but not the children.

In her head, she has friends, so if you ask her how was school, she says she loves it - cant wait to go back the next day. She'll give a long list of who her friends names are - she'll relay everything that happened in school - so she is interested in them, but is that able to participate or play or talk or have fun with them. Her teacher says its very hard to tempt her with anything in class. She prefers to sit by and watch. At the school picnic, she sat on a bench and watched only.

She still cries in school and tells me she misses me.

She also will occassionally make up stuff - so she'll tell me she played with so and so etc or she ate her food from the lunch box or she didn't cry when in fact she di cry, or had not eaten or had not played. I get the feeling she is keen to please me so tells me what i want to hear.

She loves her school and teachers and wakes up ewarly morning wanting to go to school, she feels attracted to the children there, but unfortunately is not able to engage with them. She is timid by nature. She tells me everyone grabs everything away from her - she's not able to stand up for self at aLL WHILE WITH THE CHILDREN.

In the home environment, none of these problems surface. She is an only child.

[Tanya3]

Do you know somebody with selective mutism ? hOW DID YOU HELP OR SORT THE SITUATION. Pls can you give me more symptoms or signs to identify if our daughter seems to have sm. Thanks

[Tanya3]

Thankyou for your comments they are certainly appreciated.

[suzi-q]

I was defensive because you seem to be "putting down" parents who need to have daycare for their children.  That we are finding excuses for having to use daycare. If my daughter was unhappy there, cried, and didn't want to go, I would definitely find an alternate route.  My daughter LOVES going to "school".  She plays with other children and also learns life's lessons that way.  

I am sorry for getting so defensive.  It is just that it is a sticky point with me. I love my daughter and will do anything for her....just as much as any stay home mom would do. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I am sorry for getting so harsh about it.

Best to you and your family also.

[Agiesmom]

You can call it what you want and you obviously do--whatever works for you.

I'm obviously just a little old-fashioned by today's progressive definitions.  I gave what I deemed "helpful advice".  Kids should be enjoying life at that age, not feeling stressed about being at "school", like they need to say the "right" things, or like they need to fit in--again, JMHO.

I obviously struck a nerve with you, but your defensiveness is a bit peculiar and also unnecessary.  I was giving my opinion and suggestion from my own perspective and beliefs.

All the best to you and your family.

[suzi-q]

I find your "2 cents" was very uncalled for.  If you do not have helpful advice then keep it to yourself.  Your harsh words were hurtful, not helpful.

Not everyone has the luxury of staying home with their children.  I haven't been able to "figure out" a way to stay home, unless YOU would like to pay my mortgage.I work full-time as a teacher in an elementary "school", and my daughter is in daycare, (which my husband and I do refer to as "school" with her).  There is nothing wrong with a good day care.  The children socialize with others their own age. They play "dress up" and "house"  they paint, color, draw and go in the playground if the weather permits.  

I also prefer it to a "babysitter".  I rather my child be in a place where their are many others around and not is a small group with a stranger.  

Mind you, my daughter DOES also play with chalk, bake cookies, and uses playdoh with me and her dad after "school" and weekends.

Also, since my daughter is an "only child", I find that the daycare "school" experience is very good for her.  Children need to learn that their are rules to follow, turns need to be taken and not everyone plays "fair".  

So this is my "2 cents"

[Agiesmom]

She's 2--she isn't in "school" (it always kills me when people say this), she's in daycare.  I'm thinking people get into calling it school for two reasons--so the daycare can justify its rates (love the term "Academy" in the daycare name) and also so the parents feel like they are doing something better for their child instead of just sending him/her to daycare.  Regardless, she should be having FUN, not stressing about telling her mother what she thinks her mother wants to hear.

I've said this before to others, but if you can't figure out a way to be home with her and take her to fun activities (Gymboree, MOPS, gymnastics, dance class, Reading Time at the library, the park, Chuck E Cheese's, etc.), then I would find a grandmotherly type home daycare provider (who has just a couple of other kids) who can do these things with her--she should be running through the sprinklers, eating popsicles, sled riding, riding her tricycle, drawing on the driveway with sidewalk chalk, helping to bake cookies, playing with Play-doh, etc., not trying to figure out how to "fit in" at a "school".  JMHO, mind you.

[jdtm]

I think it is possible your daughter is selectively mute.  Usually sm children (abbreviation for selective mutism) are mute with those they are uncomfortable; sometimes it can be only adults or only peers.  Our children really "feel" they are interacting  and so, in their minds the stories are not "made up".  Selective Mutism is a severe form of social anxiety.  The best site on the internet for information is "selectivemutism.org" where you can start by reading the FAQ's.  You will also find an on-line forum with lots of information as well as many books and articles.  The prognosis for sm is excellent if the child is diagnosed and treated early.  This anxiety will not go away nor will your daughter outgrow it; but early intervention is a must.  Please contact your family physician for help or a referral to a medical person with experience in anxiety disorders.  I wish you the best ...