Please help us stop his biting

[terra413]

My son is 3 years old. He just got kicked out of his 3rd daycare today. The biting has been happening since he was 1. Initially, we thought that our daycare choices were flawed. We contributed his biting to the enviornments that appeared to get him overly anxious/excited. Don't get me wrong, he would still get time outs whenever he misbehaved. After getting kicked out of the 2nd daycare, we decided to place him into a family daycare center where he was one of six instead of being one of 20. The biting continued for a little while, but eventually, it slowed down and for a few months it actually disappeared. We though he had grown out of the phase. Just recently, it started again. Today, he bit again and we were told that he could not return. My son's daycare provider says that she believes it has to do with his inability to share and his inability to control his anger. The daycare provider informed me that he will get angry when someone else is using something that he wants. he'll go up to that child and first try to move them away, but if that doesn't work, he'll bite them. After he has bitten and the child is crying, he tries to console the child by kissing them wherever he bit them. Then, he starts to cry too. In all other respects, my son appears to be progressing normally, but this pattern of behavior is really scaring me. How do I teach him to share with other children if I have to isolate him from other children so he doesn't bite them. Please help....I don't know what to do.

[RockRose]

I agree with LRM.  Daycare isn't for every kid - it must be very frustrating not to be able to get away from kids if you want some quiet time,  not to have access to the toys you want to play with,  etc., the way a child who is raised at home would.  I think kids who have less tolerance for noise/social stimulation/other children can develop these aggressions just to get what they need - peace and quiet,  and a predictable atmosphere with their possessions they can choose to play with when they want to.

Is there any way you can stay home with him until he's school age?  I would think that would do him a world of good,  and then at least he'd be more mature when he is forced to deal with being around lots of other children all day long.

[LRM1021]

Honestly, this is EXACTLY what happend to my son over the years. When he was 1 - he started biting. Got kicked out of a daycare. Then to another, kicked out. Then to another -- that one we pulled him out of, but he was biting there,too.

Put him in a private home, with ONE other person... no other children most of the day, and when the other child was there, he bit her occasionally.
When my child was frustrated or irritated, he went for the mouth and bit. I could not do ANYTHING to stop him at that age.

We kept him in a private home, with only one other child in the PM -- mostly at home with one adult -- until he went to kindergarten. He stopped biting when he was just over three-- and never did it again. He did have some aggressive tendencies when he started kindergarten, but those stopped too as he was older and I was able to reason with him.

When I look back and try to see why my son was a biter, this is what I think:

-- my son talks CONSTANTLY now-- he is extremely verbal, and expresses himself all the time
-- back then, he could talk, but not like he can now (he's 7 now) -- so when he had something negative to say, he bit (or hit, or something) -- because he could not talk
-- now, when my son is angry, he says what could be considered mean things sometimes (again, low frustration tolerance)- so he does not bite -- he communicates verbally ( to the extreme:))
-- his message to us back then -- when we kept putting him in different environments, trying desperately to get to the bottom of what would work for him, trying desperately to see what the triggers were for getting him to behave around other children-- was this "Mom, Dad -- I REALLY don't want to be around these other kids right now. They are getting on my nerves, and I'm not really having fun. I don't hate them-- please understand that -- but I am not enjoying this. Please put me somewhere where I don't have to be around other children -- I will be much happier. Later on, in life, I will become very social, and will LOVE to be around others, and will make friends, and things will be fine in that respect. But right now, its just not working for me. Can you help me?"

If there is any way to provide day care for him -- for right now-- that does NOT involve other children, I think you will find that this habit will be broken -- if you find some other advice that works I would love to hear it.

[margypops]

If the biting stopped for a while then started up is there something that triggered it off , what is he like at home behaviorwise is it only at daycare this happens, if he has a friend over is he the same with the biting.Maybe you could start off the sharing at home first with firends and Family .You probably need to speak to a councillor and find out why.

[jdtm]

Have you tried posting on the Ask a Doctor forum?  It appears as if your son is unable to control his aggressive/impulsive behaviours and thoughts.  Perhaps the doctor might have some thoughts on this issue - have you sought advice from your son's pediatrician?