Plez help am so worried.....

[panickypoo]

I think my teenage daughter has some serious emotional issues that are beginning to show in her daily routine.  She has had an enormous amount of rejection throughout her life, her dad has never really been in her life and when he has, he has made her feel so bad about herself, worthless.  Her step dad left and only really has time for his natural born daughter, the only love he show her is through b-day and xmas gifts.  She has very little contact with any of the families and is constantly picked on and builled at school, she is very lonely.  Over the last couple of months she has made a little group of friends but she seems no happier, infact things seem to of got far worse.  

The main reason as to why im so worried is due to the fact that she seems to be developing a form of OCD.  Today for example took her 5 hours to get ready, she woke at 9am and was only ready to leave the house a little after 2pm.  Every tiny aspect of her image needs to be exactly how she wants it or she wont leave the house for love or money.  She can spend upto 3 or 4 hours in the bathroom, just washing, shaving, pluking, bleaching, exfoliating...you name it she does it.  She is a very beautiful looking, extremely smart girl who is doing well in her grades but her self esteem is totally smashed to pieces and i dont know how to help her.

She is also extremely awkward around people.  She feels intimidated by people very easily and just sinks away in the background and she has a terrible phobia of answering the telephone.  She will actually run from the room if it rings and she is the only one in the room at the time through fea\r i will shout to her to answer it.  

Ive noticed that she has also over the last few months become distant and doesnt seem to care about society.  A convo i had with her last night asking about future careers fo her, she said she wants nothing to do with the public sector as she doesnt wana help no one, why should i, she said, when all everyone has done is **** all over me....

I feel so bad that she is growing up with such a weight and lonliness on her shoulders and im not sure what direction to take for the best.  does anyone have any advice please.  

[jdtm]

So saying that her father had nothing to do with her developing an anxiety disorder and its down to genetics is quite frankly wrong and a little insulting. --  your words

I'm sorry you misunderstood my posting.  I was only trying to educate you; not insult you.  But, I was glad to hear that you will be taking your daughter to see a medical doctor.  As I stated before, that is always the first place to start.  It is also good to talk to a school counseller but being a retired teacher, I know their knowledge and input can be very limited and constricting.  Again, the first place to start is your family doctor.  All the best ...

[panickypoo]

Yeah u are right, when she goes out of her way to dress up to the maximum she does look very intimidating but she does that exactly to say to the hoody, gang culture around here to leave her alone and to be honest they are far more scary than Goths can ever be.  You simply look in their direction and you are threatened... I have discussed moving with her and she isn't too sure but I think it will be the right thing the more I think about it.  Plus I am going to slowly rain in the goth look and introduce a softer look for her.  Tomorrow I'm gonna call the school councellor and ask for an appointment asap. Thank-u for ur support, it means a great deal.

[RockRose]

panicky,  that's a lot of information - you paint a pretty clear picture of what's going on with her.  

I think moving would be a very good idea,  but you'd have to make the decision together.  First,  before deciding to move,  she'd have to agree to give up the Goth.  She will never be accepted by anyone positive,  or will never be treated well,  while dressed that way.  That style is tantamount to going around with a permanent middle finger raised at the public, or wearing a shirt with the words F*** YOU in huge letters.  Goth clothing communicates a very aggressive rejection of people in general,  and you could move 100 times and she wouldn't be accepted anywhere if she still is dressed expressing that culture.

Best wishes.

[paperclip46]

This does need a concerted effort on several fronts.  1. The counsellor at the school - keep on keeping on there. 2) The doctor.- When you are depressed the brain chemistry changes and you do need the meds to be able to see clearer, 3) Once she starts on the meds then she needs to see a Cognitive behavioural therapist who will help her see her wrong thinking mode and change that.  Once she is seeing straight then she can come off the meds with of course Doctors orders  Do tell her life will get better as she matures and  the emotional teen turmoil does end. If it helps and with her and her therapists agreeing then move.   God does love her it is human beings who have been given a wonderful gift, the gift of choice who have chosen to be horrible to her and you. You are a great Mother. Try taking her away for a long weekend to somewhere way out in the country. She will say she will hate it but it does everyone of us the world of good.

[panickypoo]

And also about a year ago a boy in school took the bullying to a whole different level and sexually harrassed and abused her, the police was invloved and the boy was expelled and taken into a care home for being disturbed... So u can see she has had a very difficult time with loads more situations that have been painful.

Plus those Jews that came out of the concentration camp with a positive mind set must of had strong hope and faith to bring them through, hope of seeing their loved ones who they know loves them, faith in God to keep them safe... She has neither.. She is a very lonely girl who I am extremely worried about.

[panickypoo]

Ohh and yes she is 14, will be 15 in a couple of weeks time. Also a friend offered for us to come to church and I am deeply spiritual but she believes there is no God, she reckons that if there was one he wouldn't allow so much suffering in the world and that when she did pray he never ansered her.  She said that if God did exist then he is like everyone else, just doesn't give a dam about her, so why should she pray... She said, never put someone first who puts u second... And she is determined to live by that statement.

[panickypoo]

I do live in a very diverse area and she has never actually ev er been builled around here cause of her race, that's my racist familys attitude.  She started getting picked on when she confinded in who she thought was a very good friend about the fact she was unsure of her sexuailty.  She told her she thinks she also liked girls as well as boys.  Her friend freaked out and told everyone who mattered to her and then within a couple of days the whole school knew.  Then all the bullying started.  She then rebelled by totally changing her dress sense and became gothic, punk.  Black clothes, dark makeup, chockers, steel toe cap boots.  She is heavily into metal music, punk techno etc.  Which I allowed to an extent as this was a release of her emotions, which in the beginning I thgought was a healthy expression but as she became more involved with the gothic look the more she became builled both at school and in the street.  U see the majority of kids around here are into hip hop, rnb, soul etc.. And dress 'street', with their pants half way around their ankles and walk like they have a leg injury... So u can imagine what she goes through.

I have worked very closely with the school to help her and with the teachers help it has calmed down but they can't stop every action or comment thrown at her. Plus I've tried to get her involved in activites but the same type of kids seem to be parcipating to the ones who bully her and so she won't go.  She won't change her image, as she says its the only thing she has got that she can control and I'm now at the stage that I'm seriously thinking of moving to a completely different area, hundreds of miles away to get away from family who still play a n egative part in our lives and this closed minded teen communtity.

[Sandman2]

      Besides consulting with your doctor which is a good idea,  (i nothing else, they should be able to give you some idea of how serious this might be and ideas of where to get more help)  I would also talk with her school counselor.  Being bullied can do very serious things to one's self esteem.  I am sure you have seen news reports of kids who have even taken their own lives due to peer pressure/bullying.  While, I am not saying that this is something to worry about, it does show how serious this should be.  All states now have laws about bullying.  Schools must be proactive in dealing with it.  The school needs to deal with this.  
   Also she spends more time at school then anywhere else (except home).  What goes on at school can make a big difference.  From my own experience, I know that a counselor giving a teacher a "heads up" and the teacher showing a bit more attention can make a big difference sometimes.  The crummy thing is that the year is almost over.  What are the summer plans?  
   Also doing the math, sounds like she is about 14 or so.  Is she in her last year of middle school or her first year of high school?  If she continues like this, it would be a good idea to talk to counselors early next year.  
   Rockrose's comments are very good.  Especially the connected part.  You might want to see if there is any volunteer activity that she could try during the summer.  It can be a wonderful experience!  
    

[RockRose]

panicky,  I don't think jdtm meant any insult by saying that some brains are wired to be more anxious than others.  It's the truth of the matter.   There are some people who don't suffer anxiety almost no matter HOW much difficulty they go through.  There were people in the Jewish Concentration camps who came out with optimistic outlooks and happy personalities.  Some people can suffer really quite a minor upset (a minor traffic wreck,  or a home burglary while they were away) and their lives plummet into darkness over the much lesser event.  

It's because of biological predisposition to anxiety.  

I am interested in your statement that your daughter is mixed race.  Do you live in an area with a lot of mixed race kids - a place with a very a accepting attitude toward diversity?  (and I mean truly accepting,  not just people who are socially savvy enough not to express their prejudice).

It's likely she doesn't have a place to fit in,  that once she turned into a teenager with the much more difficult peer interactions,  she has no real group where she feels connected.

[panickypoo]

As a baby and young child, right through to the time she was about 12yrs old she was a happy girl.  I would say that things started to get noticably bad about 2yrs ago. Things took a turn for the worse on xmas day 09 when her father came over and started a massive argument and threatened to punch me out in front of her, then turned and started on her.  It was then, along with other issues that followed that drew her into her obbession about her weight and image.  She thinks that if she looks perfect, well what she perceives to be be perfect, then she will be accepted and loved by others.  So saying that her father had nothing to do with her developing an anxiety disorder and its down to genetics is quite frankly wrong and a little insulting.  The way in which she has been treated by my own family for being mixed race is shocking and due to that i keep her well away now.  She has suffered alot from the hands of people who are meant to be her rock, her place of refuge, her family!  The only one who she has contact with now is me, her mum, family wise and yes i feel so guilty that i brought her into such a mess of a family and situation.

I will consult with my doctor, but there is no way i will allow drugs, therpay yes but drugs no!  Anyway thank-you for replying.  Hope others can give some more advice.

[jdtm]

It is possible that what you are seeing is anxiety, often co-morbid with depression.  Whether your daughter suffers from OCD or social phobia, I'm not sure, but both are anxiety disorders and both highly treatable.  Both disorders are very common and both issues tend to be genetic traits.  Your daughter's past does not help her (in fact, it might have exacerbated the anxiety and depression) but her absent father did not cause her anxiety (it was inherited at conception) and is part of her confused "brain wire network".

The first thing to do is always visit your family doctor.  If he/she is unable to help you, then ask for a referral to a medical mental health specialist with experience in anxiety disorders.  If anxiety is the issue, I assure you that your daughter will not outgrow this nor will it go away.  Anxiety is a physical, mental and emotional disorder and, as such, requires proper treatment (usually a multi-modal approach).  But, the prognosis is excellent for anxiety sufferers.  Please seek help as soon as possible.  The summer is coming - good time to begin.  All the best ....